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My brother and just life and stuff

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Hopalong:
PS -- Your Nmama likes drama. And death is a drama.

It doesn't mean she didn't love him at all.
But if she's an N, her love when she can tune into it, is a blunted thing.

Remember that she has a mental illness that means where you might
expect softness, realizations, piercing loss, sorrow...you may see a
lot of weird off-tone, chaotic or confusing reactions instead.

Remember that this is her mental illness and personality disorder.

It is very sad but has nothing to do with your own grief, which
you are entitled to feel in your own way.

I am so sorry you lost your brother, and so tragically.
I would be very glad to hear a story about him -- good things
you remember or feel, as well as the bad.

I won't be able to feel grief when my brother dies, I believe.
Your brother is lucky that you are remembering him with some love.

hugs
Hops

Meh:
Yesterday evening I talked to my brother's friend over the phone. I hope I am not making it worse for him. It was good for me in a way though. I did need to speak with somebody outside of the family about my brother. He told me that he was best friends with my brother since Freshman year in highschool. That my brother was there for him when he needed it the most, that they had good times together when they were younger but that my brother also put him though hell.

In a weird way it was re-assuring to know that even his best friend had a very difficult relationship with him there near the end.

He said that his divorce really tore him apart.

He also said that he thought my brother just really needed somebody to love him unconditionally.

I had given Rob's (brother's friend) family, the phone number to reach my mother at since she had been the person speaking directly with the coroner etc.

He told me over the phone that my mother seemed emotionless.

It's a bit hard for me, I Don't take much comfort in speaking to my relatives.

Rob my brother's friend had said that he really felt it was time for my brother to die. I know what he means, and he didn't mean it in a bad way. My brother was tormented. It's just hard for me though.

I don't believe my brother wanted to die, I think my brother wanted to live but didn't know how/wasn't able to live life well.

In my mind if only I can understand things enough then I feel like maybe there could have been a solution.

I Know I will have to make peace with it somehow.

ITs' really hard for me to understand what would have helped my brother.

I think my brother wanted my mother to understand how much pain he was in.

Hopalong:
Wow.
What a meaningful validation to talk to this man, who saw your brother so clearly.
I'm so glad you reached out to him.

I hope you can sit and talk with him more.

That was very powerful to read.

It's validating too, to hear someone else feeling genuine grief.
(You can grieve hard even for people who caused chaos, from their own suffering.)

I understand why he said your brother is okay now.

love
Hops

Meh:
The other after-math is now my father thinks he is re-connecting with me. And that it's-self is a whole can of worms. My father said in an email the other day that he was thinking about moving to my area and he is asking for my address and all sorts of things. I told him no.

He needs to be in like a retirement community or something where there are other people around. I can't be his only social connection in life.

It's sad we are all kind of loners, myself, my brother and father don't have large social networks.

Meh:
My mother seems kind of hyper. She keeps saying that she has to "give the house back to the bank". I think she is concerned about the cost of paying the people at the morgue and stuff like that. It's valid because death even costs money...though ...whatever

My father is trying to give me stuff like photographs of me and my brother when we were kids...and I'm not ready to deal with it. I've been crying every day since I found out.

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