My brother and just life and stuff

[gratitude28]

Hi Green Bean,
Just read your story and I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and for your whole situation.
I want to read the rest of your story.
Sending you a quick hug since I have to run and do something for work.
Beth

[Meh]

Hi Grat. Ty

[Meh]

Today I have a slight hangover being that I only had one beer last night. Though today I am royally tired just waiting patiently for this coffee to kick in.

Haven't been here much. Feel like my words are stuck and cant come out.

[Meh]

Just the Holidays kind of suck a little bit. I think the Holidays really sock it to you about HOW MUCH your life sucks rest of the time one can kind of "pretend it doesn't suck so much".

I think I am going to drink tea and sleep early tonight, that is about all I've got to say I think.

[Meh]

Been missing my brother the last couple of days. His ex-wife hasn't contacted me once which is fine but she doesn't say anything about my nephews which is maybe none of my business.

My mother has emailed me asking if I am going to meet up with her before Christmas to which I have not responded.

Tomorrow is my day off of work and I can not decide what to do.

My mind is blank, just listening to music.

[Hopalong]

Is it taboo for you to reach out to the ex wife and ask about nephews?

Wishing you peace, all the good things coming into the silence, Boat.

Hops

[Meh]

@Hops   Well, she is remarried and has more kids and a new husband etc. It's just something that she wants to be gone and over with which is understandable.

I've never met her in person and I don't think I have ever even talked to her on the phone. I think I sent her maybe 2-3 emails. I avoided her and my brother for a very long time because I knew the situation would not turn out well.

 

[Meh]

You know that mental state of trying to make one's SELF SMALL and out of other people's WAY. Not bothering other people...   Kind of like trying to take up less space and stuff...

Well even at my age I go in and out of this place of smallness. I don't want to take over everything I just want to be me. I want my own space. Literally.

I especially like those people whom LIKE it when I am myself.      

Ever notice how some people like you more when you are yourself....and then there are just those other people.... I don't know it's morning time here. I literally feel as though maybe there is not enough space for me to brush my teeth here. Sigh.

 ):     Should go back to writing some kind of gratitude list and give myself a pep talk   Or just come here to write a little more. Been out of my writing phase for quite a few years now.

Just feeling okay should this be a struggle... really !!  ?  !! JUST FEELING OKAY     JUST FEELING AT EASE    JUST BEING ONE's SELF    shrug

In fact I feel like I am going to blow up LOL feel really uncomfortable and uptight.

[Twoapenny]

You know that mental state of trying to make one's SELF SMALL and out of other people's WAY. Not bothering other people...   Kind of like trying to take up less space and stuff...

Well even at my age I go in and out of this place of smallness. I don't want to take over everything I just want to be me. I want my own space. Literally.

I especially like those people whom LIKE it when I am myself.      

Ever notice how some people like you more when you are yourself....and then there are just those other people.... I don't know it's morning time here. I literally feel as though maybe there is not enough space for me to brush my teeth here. Sigh.

 ):     Should go back to writing some kind of gratitude list and give myself a pep talk   Or just come here to write a little more. Been out of my writing phase for quite a few years now.

Just feeling okay should this be a struggle... really !!  ?  !! JUST FEELING OKAY     JUST FEELING AT EASE    JUST BEING ONE's SELF    shrug

In fact I feel like I am going to blow up LOL feel really uncomfortable and uptight.

Completely understand this.  I get like everything just gets stuffed in so that nothing can move.  A therapist I used to see compared it to that drawer or cupboard that most people have at home that they bung stuff in when they don't really know what to do with it and eventually you shove one more thing in and everything comes spilling out.  I find when I get that uptight I usually end up having a really big cry and it eases off after that.  I hope it gives a little bit for you soon, Green.

[Meh]

My father invited me to spend Christmas with him after I flipped out and screamed at him on my telephone. WHAT THE FERK is wrong with him. Creep. He still has my stuff. I can't stand him. I am not going to respond to his email.

It just makes me uncomfortable that he doesn't take a clue that he has like no normal social understanding of "go away" and "don't take my stuff"

I want my own life

I want respect

I want to be healthy

I know what I want and also who and what I don't want in my life.

[Meh]

I didn't respond to my father's email. This morning I composed a few possible responses and I re-realized what I already know that it is futility and to just treat it like a stalker.

[Meh]

Pretty much any correspondence or even the thought of it. Or correspondence even if I don't respond back it makes my day more dark. My father contacting me just makes me unhappy because I spent years trying to wean him off of the idea that we had any kind of relationship.

He calls himself dad when he contacts me and it just looks so weird. Like truly in my mind and emotionally I moved away from that concept.

But whatever right.

[Meh]

I don't even know what to write about. All of the complaining and venting I have done basically hasn't really CHANGED anything. Maybe it has helped me have some kind of perspective but HAS NOT CHANGED ANYTHING.

One of my current roommates is a family therapist. She is so full of crap. She goes to the food bank and gets free food and then she tries to get me to eat it but I don't want it. She says that she spends a lot of money on the crap she tries to give me like she is doing me some kind of favor but she already told me quite a long time ago that she goes to the food bank and the containers have the bar codes crossed out... LOL that is what they do when they don't sell something.

I think it is sad that so many people put faith in those people who are educated or in a position of authority when in the end all they are doing is bull craping the patient and taking their money like charlatans.

"Have you seen a therapist"..... how many times has this phrased been said?     I have seen 1o of them, my brother had seen them and he is dead. My mother saw them and my brother even dragged my father to see one. LIKE WHAT FECKING use was it. NOTHING improved.

[Meh]

UNCOMFORTABLE AND AWKWARD. shrug I have to go take a shower. writing this out feh... I am tired of always WAITING FOR THINGS TO IMPROVE

[Meh]

Maybe I should not focus on things improving and instead just focus on ... trying to make life more enjoyable?

I'm really grouchy.

My work sucks my living situation sucks. It's tiring.