My brother and just life and stuff

[Meh]

Was visiting my mother's house. There was a book there she hadn't started reading. It's about grief. Haven't read a book in probably a year or longer. Haven't read a self help book in probably 5 years if I remember correctly. Haven't been doing shit but working and shitting. This book might be the right one for me, it's sort of like it found its way to me heheheh to sound like a new age freak. This author I read before and it's random that this book would show up. I am listening to the same song on repeat, I don't want to sleep, I want to stay up and write but I wont. There are some things I have censored off the board, that I haven't written about for my own privacy, I'm wondering if this sort of started me not writing as much here, as I come and then barely post anything. I think about the board but then don't want to come here, I am not sure why because I like this place.

[Meh]

I never did read that book about grief. Just can't seem to focus on it. Eating ginger chunk cookies and beer.

A co-worker shoved me today for no reason, from behind, she also has been walking around with a back brace because she started an altercation with someone. So great- had to report that means tomorrow work is going to be a great joy.

I'm tired.

Talked to my mother on the phone about visiting with my nephews end of this month, her husband doesn't want me at her house really, my mother spent the conversation talking about how they are so busy etc. They always make themselves sound busy when in reality they are two retired people that have no hobbies but watching TV and walking a mini poodle. They spent the day driving to go have some fancy meal with their friends. Even though I scheduled time off of work for end of June maybe I will do some adult thing alone, go to a spa or something and just ditch the "family". My mother has yet to be able to discuss any plans so obviously there are none or at least I don't factor into it. Since I don't factor into it then I suggested to her that maybe I just won't show up and I will do something else.

 I feel like I don't have a family etc. but maybe I am being immature. Maybe I shouldn't care, shouldn't be there. Shouldn't be involved. My mother doesn't really need to see me etc, she doesn't have any interest in including me much. Of course her sister/my aunt is included.

Even still my feelings are hurt. I feel unimportant, unloved, why do I still seek these from someone who will never care.

Probably self punishment but I think I should step away.    It's hurtful and offensive to be excluded but of course it's expected.

[Hopalong]

"I feel unimportant, unloved, why do I still seek these from someone who will never care.
Probably self punishment but I think I should step away.    It's hurtful and offensive to be excluded ...."

Why? Because fully accepting the reality that she will never care is so extraordinarily painful, and because releasing that hope is like letting go of gravity. It's incredibly hard. But you can do it. Once you get there, imo, you will have a strength and peace you never imagined you were capable of. It won't be from anger. It'll be from embracing reality and non-denial as incredibly powerful friends to you.

Self-punishment for stepping away? Sounds like self liberation. Self respect. Self determination. Self love.

Hops

[Meh]

Thank you for responding. Very nice of you. As for me this Friday night creating a massive hangover for Saturday AM.

You always reply, you don't even know me! You are like a comforting voice from an abyss. Ha  Anyhow have a good weekend.

A song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WoorXJ470aA

[Hopalong]

"You are like a comforting voice from an abyss."

Nicest thing I've ever heard, Boat. Thank you.
And you are real to me, Net or not.

I wish you out of the abyss, sitting with a kind listener.
You deserve 3-D comfort too.

love,
Hops

[Meh]

As expected my mother handed the phone to my nephew and told him to call me and then she said she was unavailable to speak to me because she was busy eating. Manipulative?

Yeah, I said hi to him asked him to hand the phone to my mother and when she said she was too busy to talk I told her that so was I.

I had asked her for some kinda idea plan, at the start of the month, couple weeks ago. Nothing from her. 

[Hopalong]

Can you talk directly to your nephew/s and invite them to something specific you'd like to do with them?

Why does it have to go through her?

Everybody's old enough to communicate directly, yes?

She don't own them. Or you.

hugs
Hops