My brother and just life and stuff

[Meh]

Customer ordered large item over 1,000.00

needed to be shipped  long distance

I spent much frustration spinning my wheels trying to figure out why the item had been lost in transit and no longer traceable

I contacted our representative with the shipping company they had said they had NO IDEA WHERE IT WAS OR WHAT WAS GOING ON

So based on that I of course thought well I have to figure out what the hell is going on..... naturally

I was told by our company management that I am forbidden from contacting the higher contacts with the shipping company.

yet it is my responsibility to make the customer happy and explain the process to them whatever the fuck that is

for me I like to figure out what is going on and then resolve it

Apparently people who do best in my position take a different approach of sweet talking or bullshitting the customer while having no real clue..

the managers also sometimes sweet talk and bull shit me which only makes me not respect them at all

okay who what where when how why or something like that

....

One of the head queen bees was called by my boss.. the result of that was that we were told the reason the item was "lost and not accounted for with no news..

was because of us.

Our business account had a "hold" on it whatever that means. So more or less it has something to do with us not paying..

I am exasperated and dizzy and I am going to lay down for a few mins or something.


And in the mix of it one of my co-workers started working on it. Telling the customer the item hadn't shipped because it was out of stock which was totally wrong. It was in stock and had shipped but was then frozen and no longer moving.

Okay multiply this by other stupid stuff which is also our fault.. massive headache I hate fixing dumb stuff. I didn't even fix anything.

[Meh]

I've got a few days off of work. My birthday is next week. I almost totally unmotivated to plan something but that is why I took the time off.

well I will work on it now.

This is supposed to be fun.

[Meh]

It's never too late to be what you might have been... "George Elliot"  I guess was a quote by a woman who was never really a man..

How about young again... never comes back.

[Hopalong]

Ya know, I think these days birthday serenity, a few peaceful thoughts
and a calm day...are way more important to me than fun.

But if fun is doable go FOR IT!

Art, art, garden, grow...

xo
Hops

[Meh]

I am just coming here because I am feeling sad after work today. Guess this seems like a relatively safe place just to record stuff down. I'm self-conscious about coming here and being down too often for what is like socially acceptable before becoming a depressing/depressive presence. So I guess if it's a downer just don't read.

So with that little preface I wish I could elaborate more about this but I'm not really able to pin point what it is.

I can only guess at what it is:

Something about having had talked to a customer who seemed particularly nice or something?  That then made me feel sad idk.

A co-worker asked me to trade shifts with her but it wasn't for an emergency or anything like that it's just a family dinner with relatives who live not too far away so I didn't really want to swap.. and now I feel bad or guilty for saying no?

I'm just lonely in general?  I spend a lot of time in chat, a habit I developed while I was unemployed, but now I come home after work and chat with people because coming home to loneliness sucks?

Me becoming older idk?

not sure right now I wish I knew what else to say
 

[Hopalong]

I hear you, Boat--

To me, loneliness is sometimes like a vat of cold congealed soup.
I step into it with little warning sometimes.
It also can hit strongly at the most beautiful times of year,
since I want to have someone to share little comments
about any of it. Weather, oh look--that bloomed, etc.

If getting on here, or on chat, helps you cope, bravo for it.


big hug,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I empathize with your last post.  I find it difficult to always be alone, year after year.  If there is any socializing to do it is because I have arranged it.  And that is mostly going out to public activities not getting together with others.  I just don't get called and included.  It is certainly painful AND lonely. 

I am glad yo post here. I find it helpful in a way I do not even understand to come here and post.  It helps me work things out.  It helps to share my pain, my frustration, my hopes.  Thinking of you Garbanzo - Happy Birthday.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Garbanzo, hoping you are okay, noticed you don't seem to have posted for a little while, hope you are getting some R and R and looking after yourself well xx

[Meh]

Oh Hiya Two, and all. Thanks. Yah haven't really been on here recently. Feel like most of everything I've got to say I have put down.

My brother's birthday was on the 4th of July and he killed himself around this time last year so think I have just kind of had an undercurrent of sadness but whatevers it is what it is.

Emotions no matter how much I try to distract myself, well emotions are like some kind of under ground river, always there below the surface somewhere in the dark and all.

Kind of just wish I wasn't alone with my own company. Been spending too much time on my lap top, got sucked into group chats, lots of garbage talk in those kinds of chat rooms. I guess it draws me in and away from feeling that I am alone.

My roommate had invited me to watch Korean Soap Operas with her a while back.. I didn't because I feel like I impose on people and I didn't really have interest in it. Though idk I kind of feel that it is my own stupid fault that I feel lonely idk anymore.

just kind of the same old same old in my world

[Hopalong]

Will that roommate give you a raincheck?
Sounds like a positive-and-odd (odd IS often positive) way to bond with someone,
or just make a friend. Even a light friendship is healing sometimes.

I will be thinking of you and your brother tomorrow, Boat.
Anniversaries are painful--time passing, benchmarks met and missed,
all of that.

Other than here (of course) -- how about laptopping less and
humaning some more? It's like vitamins. You need your human vitamin
every day so you don't develop rickets.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I find anniversaries can affect us whether we notice it or not.  I used to get really crabby every January.  I always assumed it was the usual post christmas blow out, but then I'd realise the anniversary of my dad's death was coming up.  It was odd, it happened every year but I still didn't associate the way I felt with him passing.  Sometimes losing yourself in online chat/crappy TV/gossip magazines helps, I think, it kind of gives you a break from dealing with stuff.  I guess it's keeping the balance but try not to give yourself a hard time about it.  How's work going? xx

[Meh]

Exactly Two, completely true about the anniversary thing being a shadow event


Heys, the work is ok. Getting to the burn out point of being in a call center for a year though. Last couple months been noticing that outside of work there is nothing going on in my life. Kinda of thinking about if this qualifies as a depression. I don't even use the word depression anymore like I used to, just quit the term altogether.

Just have downer stuff to write about that I don't much feel like typing out as it seems kinda null and nil

Going to sleep before midnight is my goal, been staying up too late

Been spending an innoridinate about of time in chat though and mostly there are young drug addicted male virgins lol in these kinds of chats..... not really my kinda group, I don't even fit in and they couldn't care less whether I am in or out, probably prefer that I am out of the room as apparently I am old and fuddy duddy

[Hopalong]

Lots of echoes with me...
over-TVing, under-sleeping, under-exercising...

And I figure it's depression, summer style.

I think it'll pass though I do feel a little crazy w/it sometimes.

I wake up and many mornings the very first thought that
slams into my awareness is, "My daughter hates me."

That's why I feel crazy. Two years and I still can't
get my mind to accept it. Grief w/o relief although
it's not as acute, it's just constant.

Hops

[Meh]

Yesterday Friday was my day off of work so I took 3 buses to meet mother and 3 buses to get home.

She had some paperwork that I needed, and I had been putting it off.

Was thinking of never seeing her again, just forgetting it but idk. Some people make a point of staying in touch with their relatives even when they don't get along. IDK what is right or wrong in that regards or what the point is.

We didn't mention my brother at all. Sort of like he is invisible and non-existent and this is part of what voicelessness is in my opinion. On some level voiceless people literally don't exist

She talked about her neighbor whom she probably has only ever met once she also talked about some woman on TV as if it was someone she cared about. Shrug. Well at least I got my stuff and that in itself is a sigh of relief. Didn't expect any different from my mother at all. It's just as if one is always waiting for them to maybe prove themselves wrong, act more human. act like they give a shit. It reinforces something IDK, the idea that this is okay and normal, and my only choice is just to go along with it because she is in the driver's seat. Its just not there, real family is not really part of the equation.

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Am looking forward to holidays though. The smells, flavors, lights and such. Even the corny music. I am hoping I will be able to work to gain overtime pay though. I want to put a Christmas tree in my room. We will see. Hardly worth the money since I don't own a house but we will see.

[Meh]

Right now I happen to be looking at my brother's death certificate for the first time. I told her (crazy mother) to email it to me because facebook requires a copy of it to get the facebook page memorialized whatever that means. He killed himself two days before his birthday. He wasn't especially old either.

I've been putting it off. But I think I am going to do it. I know it's unimportant but my family excludes me from everything and anything. Wasn't invited to the coroners or to family gatherings this year for Christmas. I'm told after the fact. The way my mother acts its like she has washed her hands clean, she doesn't care that my brother is dead, it's sort of like a thing on her to-do list that she now doesn't need to do any longer.

Life and death are so weird.  It's like the whole world is one big mess up.

I am reading the certificate upside down because my computer isn't giving me the rotate option at the moment.

Probably not what I should be ruminating over at Christmas time.

It says his occupation was "Salesman"    not sure why I find this odd I just do.

I wish I could show his ghost like "hey look brother, this is what your death certificate looks like"  Its a really dumb piece of paper that barely says anything about you"  

I don't believe in any kind of heaven or after life though. I guess I should send it in now.