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Almost died - wish I did

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Hopalong:
Peace, that place you got to before...when you posted here about his abusiveness and how you loved him despite that...
remember that post? Please, go re-read that.

Nothing has changed.

Except it's worse.

And if you can't find that grain of strength within yourself to leave him now, you MUST appeal to authorities to help
you do it. Prosecution (I hope that's inevitable, as police must report, and not left to you.) Restraining order.
Moving away with no forwarding address.

Even though you are willing to wish death on yourself because of a twisted idea of what love is, I do not believe
and never would...that you are willing to wish your children to lose their mother.

Whether it's an epiphany that you, in fact, are NOT "assigned" the job of being loyal to someone who's willing
to kill you--or an epiphany that you are nearly killing your own children by not deciding and following through...

Please, save yourself. AND them.

That's the reality, dear Peace.

And delivered with love.
Please keep posting, let us know.

Much strength, or just enough--either will do!

love to you, and healing, and the first steps back to sanity--
Hops

CB123:
Peace,

The only chance he has of getting help and dealing with his own pain, is if you stop taking his pain onto you.  You are right.  You are seeing his pain.  You arent imagining it.  But you have the wrong solution.  It takes a lot of TRUE caring to let someone go, to let them face the consequences of their own choices, when it seems easier to protect them.  You have to face the fact that by letting him continue to punch you, you are standing in the way of whatever hope he might have.  He may never get better.  Ever.  But for as long as you are there to deflect his own pain onto, there is no chance at all.  What I see from your post is that you think you  are more concerned for him than you are for yourself.  If you truly are, you will let him go--let him face FINALLY the consequences of ignoring and not dealing with his own pain.

We who are empathetic are aware that we see things that others dont.  Sometimes we think that means that we are also wiser than others to the solutions.  We need to recognize where our TRUE gifts lie, and where they dont.  Because you see his pain, you think you see what he needs.  You think that he needs to know that you will love him no matter what he does, that you will stay with him no matter what he does.  You know what it is like to be abandoned, and you dont want him to feel abandoned.

What you dont know is that the thing you can do for him that will show the most love, is to let him go.  To keep offering yourself as his punching bag is to let him (and you) think that he can displace his deep, unacknowledged pain onto you, and that will make it better.  It wont.  If he kills you, you will have taken all the pain he can give, and he will still be right where he is now.  The ONLY hope he has of getting better, is without you.

Can you do it?  Can you have the strength to walk away from him, to prosecute him, so he will have to face his own demons?  If you go back, you will have a brief "honeymoon" period, but it wont last.  Your suffering will not heal him.  This is his own private journey and it is time for him to walk it alone.  It is time, Peace.  Let him go.

CB

CB123:
P.S. Peace,

Please get better.  I miss you.  I don't want you to die.  And I don't think you want to die either.  I think you are in pain.  Reach past the pain to the part of you that wants to live.  Come back.

Love
CB

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---While under, I had some hallucinations, but other than that most of it was a total blank - completely lost 2+ weeks of my life - I am so very tired of life, I really want that total blank again...

I now have short-term memory problems, balance problems, vision problems....

You all are wonderful - thank you so much.  Am so very, very tired.

Am not making much sense - sorry, need to calm down - can't post legibly right now.
--- End quote ---


Within the blank... did you feel like you were cupped in the arms of some great comfort? That it was OK to put down all your worries, wishes, hopes, to-do lists, the expectations of others... and simply let yourself be taken care of?

I hope so, because that place is real and it helps, at times like you're going through Peace, to remember that place. It's through that place, that you can heal, really rest and gain re-freshment, and find and take up your true inner strength (which sometimes also comes through gallons of tears)... to do what you have to do, to save yourself and your kids. That's the place where I think the "real us" lives.

Sounds like you're not quite ready to take any action yet. OK. You've already been through so much and it sounds like you're still recovering from the injuries. I get that you don't feel like you can do one single thing right now. You poor dear! You're right, you know. But it doesn't take any more energy to make a phone call to your doctor, a woman's shelter, or even the police to tell someone who can help you - because you NEED help right now while you're getting well and getting your strength back. Someone who can keep track of all the to-do list, the details, and help you care for yourself and your kids until you're fully recovered. It doesn't take any more energy to make that call, than it does to post to us -- and that's help that can be there in person within minutes. Surely, your doctor asked what happened, right?

Please get help to leave him.

As to the balance, memory and vision problems... these will get better, if you're properly cared for. But you DO NEED someone to look after the things you normally do... and you, too... until that time. Each person is different in how quickly they recover, but I know from experience that additional stress - of any flavor - slows down the process. So, keep it simple - one thing at a time. The big questions, the "why" questions... those aren't going anywhere. You'll get around to working through them. But you have immediate needs:

Thing #1 - call in some help to help you leave and be in a safe place to recover. We need a "report" from you that this is accomplished before we move on to Thing #2. 

You're going to be all right, Peace. There's nothing "wrong" with you; not the you I remember from when I needed help. It's just your turn to let people help you.

Hopalong:
((((((((Peace))))))))))

You can heal from this. The beauty of blank is okay if the blank is rest, all the rest and time you need to heal.

The blank of death isn't beautiful, it's forever, and destroys hope.

Don't mix them up, honey.

Your beautiful heart is going to beat strongly again, and your mind is going to become more clear, and your courage to live will come forward. That is what healing organisms do. Let nature work with you.

This is what the universe wants you to do...not just survive, but thrive. And make a different world for yourself and your children.

One thing at a time. Get well. And please...don't add beating up yourself to what you've already been through. His problems belong to him now. That is right.

It is not your job to make him well. As your thoughts keep returning to the same old groove of pity for him, gently redirect your mind...try to think: I feel compassion for myself. I am no less a person. I deserve love as much as any human being. I deserve peace.

Finding Peace--please listen to the child inside you, who wants to live, and grow, and feel the wonder of life again. She's there--as real as the weary adult exterior you--and if you give her a chance, she'll survive. And become someone just amazing.

love,

Hops

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