Okay so here is the e-mail letter I got, and the red is my interpretation of it
Hi Greenbean,
Every picture of you and J is an expression of love; a beaming Greenbean, a protective brother with his arm around his little sister. You wrote him letters during your separation about the bracelet that he gave you and your refusal to take it off or be separated from it. (This feels intrusive to me)
Your grief at his death was real and painful. (She is interpreting my feelings for me and telling me what they mean)
At some point, you decided not to share your self with others or to take part in the affairs of the heart. (She hasn't invited me over to her house for years just for the heck of it nor contacted me just to say "hello how are you") This has been going on for a long time.
You will only go so far and then you withdraw, into yourself. (you will only go so far sounds like a statement about successfulness in life weird choice of words here, and I am introverted it is true...something that I am getting tired of being put down for-and actually I have suffered from social anxiety since I was a in pre-school )
I feel anger towards you now. I also feel sorry for you and know that your life is not happy. (she doesn't say she is sorry for my loss, she says she is sorry for me and angry at me and that I am a loser )Your brother died, your mother is grieving and you think of your lot in life! (she is saying I am selfish)
No one abused you, no one neglected you, you were loved. You had a family, good food, a tidy home and a good education. (actually not true, I was sick a lot as a child, could have been prevented and it was my mother's neglect etc.--somehow both my brother and I both ended up homeless--and neither me or my brother had made it through college ) If family is poisonous for you, then do not use your mother to bail you out again. (don't expect anything from us)
You need therapy, medication and spiritual growth. (Laugh huh?....she is saying I am mentally unsound and um doomed to burn in hell??? )
Everyone struggles, no one is perfect, but first, do no harm! (So apparently she is saying that I am harming somebody, clearly my mother is a victim)
The path of least resistance will not lead you where you want or need to be. (She is telling me that she knows where I want and need to be---Ironically the path of least resistance would be to go along with them LOL....LOL)
I think you've made up your mind to be alone during J's memorial and to not deal with us all. (Duh!!! The only true statement she makes) The truth is, we would give you space and respect your feelings. (HUM--she is going to tell me what the TRUTH is!!! All throughout this whole message she has TOLD me what SHE demands that I SHOULD feel as if she is god, the opposite of respecting my feelings) Your Mom and J both deserve better from you. (My mother comes first in this statement OF COURSE!, clearly it has not much to do with my dead brother)
I don't understand the genesis of your antipathy or why you are not trying to heal. (Clearly she is a genius) (And again she somehow knows what **I** NEED to in order to HEAL)
Sigh........What I needed in my life was something to replace these piss-head liars. I was suppose to get my own life in my 20's--be able to surround myself with other people--that didn't happen I am 35. And If I am 35 why is she sending this to me as if somehow she KNOWS better than I do....WHAT I SHOULD DO, I am an adult.
My mother and my aunt are close like tag-team buddies on the WWF of the Narcissistic family team.
She is the same person who told my brother's ex-wife that my father molested me when the child-custody fight was going on....the point being that my brother's home was unfit because the kdsi would be exposed to my father...etc.....something that my aunt later admitted she completely made up. But did my mother care that my aunt was full of sheet...NO. My brother was the only person who sort of "got it" the lies.
If I went to that funeral I would have to talk about LIES a lot. but this isn't a funeral where people talk about the things that they want to talk about and I guess that isn't what funerals are they are just more formalized fake sheet.
I have a hard time with the concept of "a time to remember".... my brother.... what the invite to his memorial says because my experience is always being invalidated by my relatives....my aunt makes up garbage like the molestation thing....and then she is also part of the retelling of "memories about my brother"....I am too tired to say this right.
Always feel like there is a miss-interpretation of reality.
My mother sent one of my nephews an electronic invitation to my brother's funeral....I just feel like this is really weird. It's not a party. I can't image what it would be like to be a 12 year old and to get an invitation with their dead father's face on it...I feel like it's all kind of not right. Like just take the kids to the memorial service but don't drag it all out forever. Like they do all this stuff at memorials that are about positive memories and stuff...And I wonder if that even makes sense to a child who just lost their parent.
There is a weight loss advertisement advertisement (tacky and tasteless) that pops up on the internet invitation my mother sent for the funeral....I have to live longer than her just so there is no way she can throw a funeral party for me.
So much of life is fake, like the majority of my waking hours where there is no such thing as grief! It's all about money and customers and errands and drinking too much coffee until night time and then trying to fall asleep and then being too tired in the morning. And doing the same thing again and again.
