Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Had a row
Ales2:
The people who get away with this kind of stuff, do it frequently, without a confrontation. Their aggressive response kind of tells me they are or have been confronted in the past.
Sorry this happened to you, but kudos for being assertive. I think I would have taken them up on their offer to get an official involved. What they were doing was making false claims and intimidating you. The "sick" feelings you had were probably Ok, I think they come from stepping out onto new ground and that tests your equilibrium, literally giving you the sick feeling. Stick with it, it only gets better.
I had a business dispute with someone earlier this year. Basically, he lied to me (cost me $2k in legal and travel fees), I called him on it in an email to his attorney and I dont get an answer, I get a cease and desist letter. These people know how to work the system to their advantage. Total scumbag. He was intimidating me saying I was harassing him and his colleagues. Not so. Anyway, a temporary win for him, a loss for me. I went away, but his lies did not.
Hope you have a good week.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Ales2 on August 12, 2013, 12:34:05 PM ---The people who get away with this kind of stuff, do it frequently, without a confrontation. Their aggressive response kind of tells me they are or have been confronted in the past.
Sorry this happened to you, but kudos for being assertive. I think I would have taken them up on their offer to get an official involved. What they were doing was making false claims and intimidating you. The "sick" feelings you had were probably Ok, I think they come from stepping out onto new ground and that tests your equilibrium, literally giving you the sick feeling. Stick with it, it only gets better.
I had a business dispute with someone earlier this year. Basically, he lied to me (cost me $2k in legal and travel fees), I called him on it in an email to his attorney and I dont get an answer, I get a cease and desist letter. These people know how to work the system to their advantage. Total scumbag. He was intimidating me saying I was harassing him and his colleagues. Not so. Anyway, a temporary win for him, a loss for me. I went away, but his lies did not.
Hope you have a good week.
Wow, Ales, you know, I think when people respond like that it shows that you're telling the truth, if you see what I mean? It's such an OTT reaction, and as you say one designed to intimidate and shut you down. I think it's that the really annoys me is that these people do something bad and then deny you the opportunity to even speak about it? Often all that's needed to put a situation straight is an apology, or just an acceptance of responsibility. Grrrr. As frustrating as it is, you know your conscience is clear (although that's not always as satisfying as it sounds!).
I've straightened out over that incident over the last couple of days, it really bothered me and I was surprised by that. But I've set the right example to my son; I stood up for him and when challenged I was (reasonably) calm and polite and kept making my point. Probably the first time I've done that so I guess it will be less of an event if it happens again :)
--- End quote ---
Hopalong:
When I was being attacked by my brother, and later (unspeakably sadly) by my daughter...
looking back, the idea of projection seems to keep ringing over and over.
My brother could not face his neglect of his parents, or his lack of caring.
So he accused me of being neglectful and uncaring.
My daughter could not face her own lack of control over her life.
So she tried to control everything about me, for that year.
It stuck me that when the wife chewed you out, one thing she accused you of
was "humiliating them." But...you can't feel shame that someone else assigns
to you, without it kindling a ready ember in yourself.
So she had some shame about the incident, and tried to project it back.
Projection is pretty amazing. I used to stop with the word and think I was
done understanding. But looking into it, it seems so remarkably simple.
Hitler projected his self-loathing onto the Jews. We know how that worked
out. (Sorry to mention him, his voice was just on NPR...)
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on August 13, 2013, 08:13:00 AM ---When I was being attacked by my brother, and later (unspeakably sadly) by my daughter...
looking back, the idea of projection seems to keep ringing over and over.
My brother could not face his neglect of his parents, or his lack of caring.
So he accused me of being neglectful and uncaring.
My daughter could not face her own lack of control over her life.
So she tried to control everything about me, for that year.
It stuck me that when the wife chewed you out, one thing she accused you of
was "humiliating them." But...you can't feel shame that someone else assigns
to you, without it kindling a ready ember in yourself.
So she had some shame about the incident, and tried to project it back.
Projection is pretty amazing. I used to stop with the word and think I was
done understanding. But looking into it, it seems so remarkably simple.
Hitler projected his self-loathing onto the Jews. We know how that worked
out. (Sorry to mention him, his voice was just on NPR...)
Hops
--- End quote ---
I think you are so right, Hopsie, what she was accusing me of was exactly what I thought of her and her husband and their behaviour! It's quite weird when people accuse you of what they are doing? It's kind of hard to get your head round. I am still asking the sky every day that your D resolves her problems enough to let you back into her life. It makes me sad that she doesn't see what she has in you. Still hoping that changes one day xx
lighter:
Hi Tupp:
I wrote a reply, but see it didn't make it on the thread.
::sigh:
In a nutshell, I think you're learning a new language....
it's unfamiliar.....
it's the language of asserting yourself, and enforcing healthy boundaries.
More than anything, I think the line breaker was practice for everyday life, and that you had to say something to him for yourself.
From where I sit, it's a shift in dynamics for your life.
You might be going over the confrontation again and again in your mind, but at least you're not regretting that you stood by silently and did nothing.
Sure, it feels awkward to stand up and say something.
It feels unnatural, but so does letting some pushy asshat get away with trouncing your boundaries.
The guy, or his wife, certainly could have uttered a small apology and ended the thing at any time. They didn't, and so you let them know.
::shrug::
They're broken, and can't do any better. This was about their problems this time. Not about yours, which I feel you addressed appropriately, btw.
IMO you're experiencing growth, forward movement, and deserving of applause, and a hug.
I give you both, my dear.
Well done. Keep it up; )
(((Tupp)))
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