Physical reactions

[Twoapenny]

Okay, quick quiz.

There are numerous mentions of sexual abuse throughout my records, proving, I feel, that it was something I was genuinely affected by and not something I dreamed up to break up my parents marriage because I'm crazy.

I've spoken of what he did to numerous professionals over the years who have either done nothing or called me a liar and said I was mentally ill.

I'm writing out these synopses now, my version of events, what happened, what I know of the false accusations and so on and so forth.

Do I mention the sexual abuse and the fact that I think he's dangerous and that someone should at least check on my sister's kids and the other kids he's had contact with over the years?  Or do I keep that to myself?

Every time I've mentioned it before they've come after me instead - another investigation, another accusation of mental illness, another stressful bout of questions and accusations and having to prove I didn't do something (which is quite difficult, how do you prove you're not lying?).  So do I leave it out, so that I don't risk that happening again?

Or do I put it in, because it's my truth, my record, my version of what happened and I can, at least, prove I've been talking about this for years, even if I can't prove it happened?

Someone might run with it this time.  They might find some proof and prosecute him.  They might find no proof and I'll be officially a liar then.  Nothing at all might happen.  They might not even read what I write, just file it and archive it.  What do you all think?

[Meh]

Hi Two, just wanted you to know I read. Unfortunately I don't have advice because I haven't had experience with lawsuits etc.

Sounds a bit like you have concern for other people who may have been exposed and then also your personal healing path.

Hugs. XOXO I wish I knew what to say. There probably are some others who do have some advice for you.

This is horrible to say but frequently I feel like victims have to do their best just to "cut their losses" and get on with their own personal life and let other people fend for themselves. Though I don't think that is my advice. And again it sounds horrible but I feel this is what most people do: put energy into their own future apart from the past.

Being called a liar is crazy-making.

[Twoapenny]

Hey Green, thanks, and yes, I agree with what you're saying about moving on and moving forward.  I don't feel a need to report him, as such.  I've already done that.  If it turns out he's hurt other kids then, although that will be awful to know, I feel I've done the 'right' thing by reporting him in the past and I can't control the way others dealt with that report.  If they've let kids down by their inaction then that will be on their shoulders, not mine.

I'm not going to do anything about the paperwork right now.  I'll finish writing it up and just leave it to one side for a while.  At the minute I feel like I should write my own truth, set it down and let go of whatever happens after that.  But I know from past experience I might not feel like that in a few days or a few weeks time, so for now I will just do nothing.  It's been years since all of this happened so a few more weeks won't make a lot of difference.

Thanks for your support, I appreciate it

[Twoapenny]

Well I've just gone through another file, also relating to the breakdown I had many moons ago.  Dear Lord, they had no idea what they were doing, no wonder I struggled so long with it.  I've always felt very ashamed of that period, people kept making me feel like I was a malingerer and faking it, having read through the notes it's clear that no-one was communicating with anyone else and it's a real mess.  I think I did well to get out of that one unscathed.  Funnily it's still not clear what they diagnosed me with, none of them seem to know yet I was berated for not dealing with my condition.  How do you deal with it when you don't know what it is?  How silly.

I was very glad to see that I kept writing letters and adding notes at the time, they've been very useful in providing some context and giving a different version of events at the time.  No-one seems to have taken any notice, mind you, but it's helpful for me now to see that.

[Meh]

Two I'm not sure if you are currently seeing a therapist right now or not. I don't find them very helpful but some people do.

What if you took the papers into a therapists office with you?

[Twoapenny]

Hi Green,

I'm starting with a new therapist next week so I will talk to her about all of this.

I wanted to say a big thank you and extend a big cyberhug to everybody on the forum.  This board helps me so much and I've even found it comforting just to have it on while I read the papers.  It makes me feel less alone.

I've done a lot this week, which is good.  What struck me about the time I had that breakdown is that for a while my mum and sister were really nice to me and really helped out (which they hadn't done before).  Then that stopped and everything went back to normal.  It's been on my mind for years, really, but when I woke up this morning I realised they were being nice to me because they wanted something.  Once they discovered they weren't getting custody they dropped me and my boy like a stone and I was on my own again.

I realised that's a real pattern with me and I think I mentioned it in the thread about friends, that I feel like people are all over me for a while and then I'm surplus to requirement so I'm tossed aside.  I think I can see how that kept playing out over and over.

So I feel, exhausted, drained, empty and lifeless.  But I also feel like I got over a huge hurdle this week and took a really big step forward.

I'm not going to send any paperwork in to anyone now until I spoken to a solicitor.  There are so many occasions now where my rights and my son's rights have been violated by public sector workers.  I'm going to take legal advice and then decide what to do next.  But I feel like I'm on the home straight now.  I can see my little house by the sea, my lovely days with my boy and my evenings spent writing and painting.  That's where I want to be.

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

I sure can hold that vision for you, Tupp.

I can see it now.

Meanwhile, take breaks to insert GOOD energy and feelings
into your mind. Plan something simple, unrelated, happy.
Be sure to get out into nature every day.
And nutrition nutrition nutrition (preaching to self, here...)

Go sit at a free choir concert, wander a museum, do a silly movie?
Somewhere people laugh? Quick volunteer thing?

Whatever REcharges you. This really is draining.
You're doing a fantastic job for yourself, but...remember
to REcharge yourself intentionally. Ain't nobody else will.

love
Hops

[Meh]

At least you have a vision hon.    

In the same way that people use affirmations I have also heard of a little thing that a person writes about their vision and they post in on the fridge or the wall and read it every morning. It's like a detailed description of that vision.

it's something I've been meaning to work on myself, glad you mentioned it.

[Twoapenny]

Thank you Bones, Hops, Green   Thank you so much.

I felt dreadful yesterday but I took my boy out to lunch and we stocked up on groceries, there's a storm forecast and they're warning of power cuts so I stocked up on candles and food we can cook on the camping stove!  My head felt so cluttered, in the evening I started clearing out cupboards and drawers, it always amazes me how de-cluttering the house can calm my mind so well.  I slept a bit better last night so feel better for it today, I'm just pottering around tidying my desk and doing bits and pieces.  A friend has invited us to lunch later, a real luxury, so I'm looking forward to eating a nice meal that I didn't have to cook

Things are going well, considering.  I ache all over and have the start of a cold but it's all manageable and I'm picking my way through it.  Thank you all so much for being so supportive.

Tup xxx

[lighter]

(((((Tupp))))))

Just checking in with your thread. 

It does feel good to clear out closets and cabinets, doesn't it?

Hope you take Cold Eez or whatever brand you have there, and feel better quickly.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Lighter

Clearing out is good, it's funny how stuff accumulates even when you try not to let it!  I'm moving furniture around as well, giving things a good clean - the place always feels better afterwards!  Am dosed up on cold an flu stuff, my boy is poorly as well so we're having a quiet week at home this week   How are things going with the home schooling?

[lighter]

Tupp:

Everything's fine with the home schooling.  We had a lovely week traveling to our old neighborhood, and visiting our familiar little private school with all our bestest friends.

My children attended classes, while keeping up with their home school plan, and it was wonderful. 

We really miss that community, and will likely go back for Halloween!  Whoo hoo!  Again in December.  It's uplifting, and keeps us feeling connected.  Honestly, I wish we'd been doing more of it.

Home school also makes it possible to stay on top of the legal matters, without creating crisis, and my mother's illness as she needs assistance. The one thing we're still working on is school work while on the road.  I can't drive, and direct the children at the same time.  It was a wonderful thought, but it's not really a reality. Perhaps, when the children lose an opportunity they would have otherwise enjoyed, they'll figure that piece out?

That's my school update.

I have to say I admire your perserverence with regard to doing what you can to protect vulnerable children from your sf.  The rest is taking care of old business, so you can put it away for good.  Hopefully very soon.  At least that's my hope for us both ((((Tupp.)))) 
Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I'm glad it's all going well, Lighter.  I think a lot of people find their kids are able to direct themselves without intervention more and more, so you might find you don't need to worry about them working on the road, they'll figure it out on their own.  I think it's really important to have thinking time, and time to just be as well, and road trips are a good way to get that.

[lighter]

Tupp:  You know..... I think you're right about not being all "MUSH! MUSH!" about school, all the time.  Truth be told, we're pretty well on schedule.  I think I'm feeling OK mainly when we're working ahead, in anticipation of another crisis.  That isn't working as well for the kids.
 
It's just not possible to control everything.......

 and is likely harming our school experience so.......

::breathing deeply::

Thanks for the advice: )

Lighter