Uncomfortable about gifts

[Twoapenny]

I feel uncomfortable about presents that I feel are over the top.  I don't mean to sound or be ungrateful but something small - a pot plant or box of choccies - feels lovely.  But I've received a couple of really expensive things in the last couple of weeks and it makes me feel uncomfortable.  Some of the things I received were food items and they were so big there was no way I'd get through them so I gave them away.  Does anyone else feel like this?  I don't know whether to just ignore it or if I should say something?  Two friends want to buy things for my son that I had planned to get him.  I don't mind at all someone else buying it, but one thing he's desperate for and we probably won't see them until after Christmas and I don't want him to be upset on the day.  I don't know how to raise something like that with someone (it's very nice that you're buying my son a gift but can you make sure it's delivered before Christmas?  Feels rude to me?).  Another thing I'd planned to go out with him before Christmas and get it when we got the tree, it's something he's wanted for ages and I'd kind of got a little event planned, a friend has bought it and sent it today.  Saying no thanks feels really rude but I feel a bit disappointed that we can't go out and do our little thing now.  Does anyone else struggle with this sort of thing?

[BonesMS]

I feel uncomfortable about presents that I feel are over the top.  I don't mean to sound or be ungrateful but something small - a pot plant or box of choccies - feels lovely.  But I've received a couple of really expensive things in the last couple of weeks and it makes me feel uncomfortable.  Some of the things I received were food items and they were so big there was no way I'd get through them so I gave them away.  Does anyone else feel like this?  I don't know whether to just ignore it or if I should say something?  Two friends want to buy things for my son that I had planned to get him.  I don't mind at all someone else buying it, but one thing he's desperate for and we probably won't see them until after Christmas and I don't want him to be upset on the day.  I don't know how to raise something like that with someone (it's very nice that you're buying my son a gift but can you make sure it's delivered before Christmas?  Feels rude to me?).  Another thing I'd planned to go out with him before Christmas and get it when we got the tree, it's something he's wanted for ages and I'd kind of got a little event planned, a friend has bought it and sent it today.  Saying no thanks feels really rude but I feel a bit disappointed that we can't go out and do our little thing now.  Does anyone else struggle with this sort of thing?

Hi, Tupp.

From my limited perspective, it would have been nice if these friends had coordinated with you, FIRST, given that you are the mother and all instead of making decisions FOR you.  I can see why it would be awkward.  They meant well but it still created problems.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Two,

Two friends want to buy things for my son that I had planned to get him.  I don't mind at all someone else buying it, but one thing he's desperate for and we probably won't see them until after Christmas and I don't want him to be upset on the day.

Would you feel comfortable purchasing the gifts you'd intended to give him as backups in case the ones they want to give him don't arrive on time.   In either case, you should be able to return one of the sets? 

I feel uncomfortable about presents that I feel are over the top.  I don't mean to sound or be ungrateful but something small - a pot plant or box of choccies - feels lovely.  But I've received a couple of really expensive things in the last couple of weeks and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

This site has some pretty good pointers on what to do.  I'm glad you brought up the question for I find myself in similar situations sometimes.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070118155530AA44uFK

tt

 

TT, that's brilliant, yes, could definitely buy him the gifts anyway in case of emergency!  Hadn't thought of that, what a good idea, thank you.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that struggles with this sort of thing.  It's not that they expect an expensive gift back, far from it.  I'm not really sure why it makes me feel so uncomfortable.  I feel bad giving things away, but friends came to visit last weekend and brought me so much booze and food I'd never have got through it all on my own so I passed it on. 

[Twoapenny]

I feel uncomfortable about presents that I feel are over the top.  I don't mean to sound or be ungrateful but something small - a pot plant or box of choccies - feels lovely.  But I've received a couple of really expensive things in the last couple of weeks and it makes me feel uncomfortable.  Some of the things I received were food items and they were so big there was no way I'd get through them so I gave them away.  Does anyone else feel like this?  I don't know whether to just ignore it or if I should say something?  Two friends want to buy things for my son that I had planned to get him.  I don't mind at all someone else buying it, but one thing he's desperate for and we probably won't see them until after Christmas and I don't want him to be upset on the day.  I don't know how to raise something like that with someone (it's very nice that you're buying my son a gift but can you make sure it's delivered before Christmas?  Feels rude to me?).  Another thing I'd planned to go out with him before Christmas and get it when we got the tree, it's something he's wanted for ages and I'd kind of got a little event planned, a friend has bought it and sent it today.  Saying no thanks feels really rude but I feel a bit disappointed that we can't go out and do our little thing now.  Does anyone else struggle with this sort of thing?

I think it's because it's done with the best/right intentions that I find it hard to do anything other than just feel uncomfortable and keep quiet!  I suppose one thing that goes through my mind is that none of my friends spend any time with my son and that would mean more than an expensive gift?  I don't know if I'm just being a bit daft about the whole thing.
Hi, Tupp.

From my limited perspective, it would have been nice if these friends had coordinated with you, FIRST, given that you are the mother and all instead of making decisions FOR you.  I can see why it would be awkward.  They meant well but it still created problems.

[gratitude28]

Tup,
I am ALWAYS uncomfortable about big gifts. I am even sometimes uncomfortable with gifts in general. As you can imagine, gift giving in our house was always super stressful - NM bought us stuff we didn't like and then got mad whether we used it or not. Dad could be passive aggressive and never felt he got the right thing. My sister was always caring and thoughtful in gifts - she gets what she knows a person loves. NM tossed my gifts aside after proclaiming something about them - bad or good...
If I have someone I trust fully, I love giving and receiving gifts - my sister, my kids, my husband. But even then, we never go overboard - for years my husband and I didn't give each other gifts since out money was tight and we were both more than fine with that.
I agree with Bones that in this situation, I think your friends should have checked with you first. For my niece and nephew, I generally run bigger items through my sister first to make sure she hasn't gotten them or thinks they will like the gift.
Never a bad question...
xxoo Beth

[Hopalong]

Hi Tupp,
Just to bounce over from the New T thread...I think this is perhaps the same issue.

In fear, looking a little microscopically for what's WRONG.
When maybe, almost any gift, happily received...is just fine?

I think children of Ns learn that any transaction, including receiving gifts, must
surely involve a Trojan horse.

SO hard (and long) to eventually realize it's peacetime now.

I relate a lot to this, btw, having majored in anxiety for decades that's now almost
entirely gone. I just have been sensing a bit more anxiety and agitation in your most recent
posts. So that makes themes pop out to me. Doesn't mean I identify them clearly though, but
just in case any of these observations help...

xxoo
Hops

[Meh]

Two Penny, at the expense of seeming unsupportive of you.... my very opinionated opinion is to take the gifts. People often want to make the other person happy by giving it. It's flattering.

Your son isn't going to care who provided the gift. The Christmas tree picking out is so much fun on it's own. And the decorating of it etc.

For kids sometimes the wanting of something can be more passionate then the receiving of it too.

Anywho, my two cents is that it's okay to give away food you can't use. Or toss it out if you don't like it.

For your son I'm sure with a handful of presents and the tree etc. It will be fun. It's especially fun when one gets to camp out in living room and sleep under the Christmas tree !

Sleeping under the Christmas tree is like my favorite memory mainly because I didn't have to sleep in my bed....it was subversive LOL

Try to chill-lax a little about Christmas. It's more the experience than the gift itself which is important. Do something fun!!!!!!    

Go out look at Christmas displays! Get a ginger bread kit! You can just use graham crackers too and make little houses.

Make hot cider or hot chocolate and watch movies at home etc.     It will be good whatever happens.


You can also tell the person who is sending the late present that somebody else got the same exact present!!! And you had no idea that was going to happen and your son already used it so you can't return in therefore.... you may have to return the duplicate gift for something else etc. Maybe you can just exchange it, maybe they will send a receipt.



At work I have to set up large quotes for people sometimes I have a hard time asking people for the full price though I think I am getting better.

Money and things are hard to waste if you have ever gone without. It's just not worth it to say stuff to people because it hurts their feelings etc, it can take the joy out of giving. Better to just tell them how overwhelmingly excited your son was and he even wanted to keep the duplicate one or something like that. I don't know what the present is exactly.

Kids also feel important when people outside of their immediate family recognize them. (In my opinion again   )

Okay that is my response.

Merry Christmas *****O*****O*****O*****O*****O*****

[Twoapenny]

Thank you everyone, yes, I see where you're coming from on this.  I think I am feeling very invisible at the moment?  Maybe that is what is triggering all this stuff off?

The large amounts of cash come from two friends who don't spend much time with us (they're too busy).  I think that triggers quite a lot.

The gifts for my son - it's not that I'm bothered about other people getting him stuff, it's more that I suppose I feel if they were people who we talked to regularly they'd know I'd already planned (getting something with the tree, for example).  The reason that friend didn't know is because she doesn't have time to talk on the phone very often.  I think it's those bigger issues underneath it all rather than the actual presents themselves, if that makes sense.  I feel like no-one sees me, no-one hears me, no-one notices and no-one cares.  I'm feeling pretty wretched at the moment and I'm not really sure why.

It's no biggie - I get up and do what we need to do.  I focus on my boy and my health and everything else eventually falls into place.  I just find it useful to get it out of my head and onto the screen.

[Meh]

(hugs)

[Hopalong]

Tupp, sounds like feeling lonely and neglected,
and that gets focused on the interpretation about gifts.

You're right and Boat is right.

I hope you can get out and bellow in some choir somewhere soon.

I woke today feeling so blue (do not love the season, it can be
agony for the lonely). A friend did call with an offer to meet and
I was about to NOT do it because of weather, but I made it out
and it was fun. Met two new people I would never have had a
great convo with if I had allowed my depressive thoughts to
win the day.

If she hadn't called though, I'm pretty sure I would not have tried
to arrange anything myself, and would've spent the day feeling
pretty pitiful.

So now it's gray and icy out, my belly's full, my pooch is waiting for
me to put down the damn laptop so she can be my laptop, which
is her Proper Place...and we'll get through.

Hope you do too, this is a hard season for those who are missing
the sustaining relationships they need. (Which you WILL find one day.)

love to you and Boat, you too you elf you (you have the spirit I
'm missing and I am going to try to follow your mood!)

Bah humho,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Tupp, sounds like feeling lonely and neglected,
and that gets focused on the interpretation about gifts.

You're right and Boat is right.

I hope you can get out and bellow in some choir somewhere soon.

I woke today feeling so blue (do not love the season, it can be
agony for the lonely). A friend did call with an offer to meet and
I was about to NOT do it because of weather, but I made it out
and it was fun. Met two new people I would never have had a
great convo with if I had allowed my depressive thoughts to
win the day.

If she hadn't called though, I'm pretty sure I would not have tried
to arrange anything myself, and would've spent the day feeling
pretty pitiful.

So now it's gray and icy out, my belly's full, my pooch is waiting for
me to put down the damn laptop so she can be my laptop, which
is her Proper Place...and we'll get through.

Hope you do too, this is a hard season for those who are missing
the sustaining relationships they need. (Which you WILL find one day.)

love to you and Boat, you too you elf you (you have the spirit I
'm missing and I am going to try to follow your mood!)

Bah humho,
Hops

I'm glad you got out with your friend   I do feel - as so many do, I think - that Christmas really emphasises the things that are there all year round but it really magnifies them for some reason.  My son finds the Christmas season really overwhelming because of his sensory problems so we spend more time at home than usual, there's less to stop me thinking about it all.  But I'm hoping this will be our last Christmas in this house.  I live across the road from my family and it really is time to move on now and leave them all in the past where they need to be.  I hope your pooch enjoyed her cuddle when she got it

[lighter]

Sorry you're feeling invisible, Tupp....

I'm afraid I can identify in many ways.

To tell you the truth, I don't think self involved folks with no time for anything besides themselves are ever really going to become something different for us, kwim?

There are those who show up, and those who send expensive gifts instead, kwim?

We can compassionately tell them what we're feeling, and perhaps ask for something more, but.....

maybe it's up to us to find new friends, while filing the self involved ones away under SELF INVOLVED/CAN NEVER DO MORE?

That way, we're not destroying old connections, while making new/better/reciprocal/more fulfilling ones.

In any case, the discomfort you're feeling is a message that it's time to find and add new friends to your family in a mindful way, IMO.

Celebrate on the positive aspects of your current friendships, without assigning unrealistic expectations, and maybe they'll seem brighter.

Love to your and your son,
Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Sorry you're feeling invisible, Tupp....

I'm afraid I can identify in many ways.

To tell you the truth, I don't think self involved folks with no time for anything besides themselves are ever really going to become something different for us, kwim?

There are those who show up, and those who send expensive gifts instead, kwim?

We can compassionately tell them what we're feeling, and perhaps ask for something more, but.....

maybe it's up to us to find new friends, while filing the self involved ones away under SELF INVOLVED/CAN NEVER DO MORE?

That way, we're not destroying old connections, while making new/better/reciprocal/more fulfilling ones.

In any case, the discomfort you're feeling is a message that it's time to find and add new friends to your family in a mindful way, IMO.

Celebrate on the positive aspects of your current friendships, without assigning unrealistic expectations, and maybe they'll seem brighter.

Love to your and your son,
Lighter

Lighter, thank you for this.  I think the thing with gifts really does tie in with the friendships thing, which I've really been struggling with lately.  In an ideal world I would rather have someone's time over all the money they can ever give.  Time feels so important for me.  So yes, focusing on finding friends who have time that they want to share with me is a really important thing now.

[Meh]

Bleh, I am also not feeling super Christmas-y  right now. Got all excited about the idea of looking at lights and stuff but as it turns out I am not really doing anything at all for Christmas. I want it to be a religious Holiday and since I am not really a strong believer in the whole baby jesus story it is a little hard to get excited about it full throttle.

There is always just so much freaking pressure for it to be GRAND. Super grand and then after it's over the next day always feels bleh again.

[Twoapenny]

Bleh, I am also not feeling super Christmas-y  right now. Got all excited about the idea of looking at lights and stuff but as it turns out I am not really doing anything at all for Christmas. I want it to be a religious Holiday and since I am not really a strong believer in the whole baby jesus story it is a little hard to get excited about it full throttle.

There is always just so much freaking pressure for it to be GRAND. Super grand and then after it's over the next day always feels bleh again.

Yep I agree with that, Green, huge pressure for something - what?  We're having a quiet day at home, I've got him some nice pressies   Next week we're going to go to the cinema and swimming most days, there's just lots of films on that he wants to see at the minute.  That will be the best bit for us, I think!  It's quite hard to go against the tide and not get into the whole 'it's got to be bigger, better, grander' thing.  But quiet and simple does me