What happens after NC?

[gratitude28]

After receiving this note from NM, I just decided I cannot do the drama right now. I have told her I need a break but that she can still talk to the kids on FaceBook. (She NEVER talks to them anyways, but I don't want to give her the ammunition to say I cut her out). As you can guess, this is over the top drama - we have never been friends and she has always considered me weird and has assigned other unflattering attributes to me. I am not ready to move forward with her yet. I need some time. I am not ready to forgive her for leaving dad in the hospital and basically abandoning him. Maybe I can do this one day...

"Please, Honey, do you think we could go back to being friends?  I miss you and I need you.  I was upset that you hadn't told me about (your orders).  It was important to me, even though it didn't seem a big thing to you.  I had been waiting to hear what you were doing, and you knew I wasn't on Facebook anymore.  Please just know that I want to know what's going on with you, and when you don't even bother to tell me, it seems like you don't care about me.  I had to hear it from someone else.  PLEASE can we just go back to our trusting mother-daughter relationship?  You are my daughter, and you are important to me.  I need your love and companionship, and sometimes your advice.  We are all hurting right now.  And I also know what it's like to lose your father.  It seems so unfair and unbearably sad.  You just want to make things like they were.  I remember how lost I felt when my father died.  Now I feel that again, with your dad.  I miss him so very much.  I just can't believe, don't want to believe, that we have to go on the rest of our lives without him.  I've re-lived the last six months of his life, and I know how hard it was for him.  He still tried to joke and act like before, but he was so tired and so hurting.  I cry every time I think about it.  You can cry, too, Elizabeth.  Cry with me.  Let me try to comfort you.  I want to.  And you have your dear husband and the children.
 
I may come over  again since you're going to be there another year.  I'll see how my finances are and how things are when I get settled with both houses.  Would you want me to come?  I don't mean out of duty, I mean because you want to see me.  If you're not ready to see me, I will not come.  I'd rather you told me the truth.  I see that counselor today.  I missed the last appointment."

BTW - the counselor was recommended by her doctor after dad died. I told her she should talk about her rages with him since they were unacceptable to me. I told her after that rage that I felt she had a problem and should address it with a T to deal with her anger. She, of course, went silent for a while then popped back up like nothing.

So what can I expect will happen now????

Beth

[Twoapenny]

(((((((((((((((((((Beth))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

This is so tough for you.  I am so sorry.  It's really hard to know what will happen next.  Everyone's different, every situation is different.  I expect most of us on here have had different reactions to the changes in our relationships with our families.

Others will have thoughts or suggestions, I'm sure, but I think the questions are going to be the tricky bit (she asks if you want her to come and see you).  It's hard to remain NC when people write and ask questions and you are trying to give her ammunition against you (as you mention in your first paragraph regarding the kids).

Are you wanting/expecting to get back into contact with her at some point or is this the start of cutting her out of your life?  I think that would affect the way you deal with this.  If you see yourself having some sort of contact with her in the future then perhaps set a time limit now if you haven't already "I feel I need six months to myself, Mum, please don't contact me during this time, I will contact you at such and such a time", that sort of thing.  I'd also have a long chat with the kids if you haven't already, it's not unheard of for people to try to get to the missing adult through the children so they need to be aware/be on their guard for that sort of thing.

I think if you've set clear boundaries (says Tup, the woman with very wobbly boundaries!) then the best thing would be not to respond to any kind of contact or interaction within that time frame so that you can keep your head clear and really think about how you feel.  And then I suppose if anything happens deal with it as it comes up, but I'd really recommend posting here before you respond to anything, the wisdom and advice I've received here have been so helpful and got me out of so many difficult situations.

It's a horrible thing to have to go through but personally I have lived a much healthier and happier life without my mum in it.  It makes me very sad to say that.  I long for a family.  But I want a healthy one and mine wasn't, so for my own sake things have been a lot easier for me since I stopped having to deal with her issues all the time. xx

[gratitude28]

Tup,
Thank you SO MUCH for your reply. It's so funny - you'd think after years of trying to understand this I'd have more of an idea of the disorder, but I am still figuring out aspects of NM's behavior.
I started to feel bad/guilty about going NC, but I keep remembering so many cruel things she has done over the years - to me, to my father, to everyone. And I know she knows better. It really stinks that we can't fully let go, though. I so wish I could.
That was my latest (and last if I can help it) letter from NM. There was some correspondence previously that was not any better. She basically wants us all to agree that it's just awesome that she is taking the money that dad left her to leave and go have a new life where she doesn't have to deal with us or her grandkids. I feel bad for my sister, who is really hurt by this. The idea of a time frame is good. I didn't set one yet. I just let it be open ended at this point.
When my dad died, I felt orphaned. I know NM has never been a real mother.
Did your mom try to make contact with you when you went NC? Were you able to let her go as far as in your mind?
xxoo Beth

[Twoapenny]

Tup,
Thank you SO MUCH for your reply. It's so funny - you'd think after years of trying to understand this I'd have more of an idea of the disorder, but I am still figuring out aspects of NM's behavior.
I started to feel bad/guilty about going NC, but I keep remembering so many cruel things she has done over the years - to me, to my father, to everyone. And I know she knows better. It really stinks that we can't fully let go, though. I so wish I could.
That was my latest (and last if I can help it) letter from NM. There was some correspondence previously that was not any better. She basically wants us all to agree that it's just awesome that she is taking the money that dad left her to leave and go have a new life where she doesn't have to deal with us or her grandkids. I feel bad for my sister, who is really hurt by this. The idea of a time frame is good. I didn't set one yet. I just let it be open ended at this point.
When my dad died, I felt orphaned. I know NM has never been a real mother.
Did your mom try to make contact with you when you went NC? Were you able to let her go as far as in your mind?
xxoo Beth

Hi Beth,

Well don't let this put you off but my mum harassed me for years after I stopped contact with her and caused me endless problems but I just kept ignoring her and eventually she stopped - doesn't mean that everyone will react like that, obviously.  So she didn't actually try to make contact with me directly but she did do her best to cause as many problems as she could and tried to get social services to take my son away from me (long story).  I've not been able to let go, if I'm honest.  I still find some of the things she did upsetting.  I still find the absence of a family very difficult and things like Christmas are just an endurance test that I can't wait to see the back off.  I did try contacting her last year - I heard she was very unwell (she's quite elderly now) and I did write to her and offer to meet with her, and sent her a Birthday card as well, she ignored both.  Despite those things I still feel I have a much healthier, happier life now.  Which is slightly odd as I'm not deliriously happy, there's a lot about my life that I'd like to change but I don't constantly feel like I wished I was dead (as I used to) and I don't degrade and humiliate myself in order to keep her happy so it's gone from horrible to not too bad with some good bits!  For me it was definitely the right thing to do.  It is hard, though, and I hope you do alright through it.  Just remember to keep posting, there's so much good advice on here and these lovely people have kept me going for a really long time now, I don't know how I would have coped without them (and Dr G putting the board together in the first place).

[gratitude28]

I agree, Tup, this place is such a haven for me as it has been for many years. I would not be in the same healthful position I am in now if it were not for all the good advice here and for Dr. Grossman bringing this subject to light and giving us this spot.
NM has begun her invasion - commenting on my friends' pages on Facebook (she ignored them before completely), making herself seem like a caring person on paper. Wondering how she will escalate.
I felt so guilty at the outset, but the truth is, as I detach, I remember more and more and piece together even more how she kept our family hostage over the years. I have been doing some more reading to be prepared, and I know this path won't be easy, but it's no less easy to deal with her.
Now you are at peace with your decision? How will you feel when she dies? Are you prepared for that, do you think? I am, I think. She will never be anything but a mean, sneaky person to me or anyone. I feel sad for how long it took me to realize all this and I feel sad that there was never a way to safe my father from her.
Thanks as always for the help and advice. This is my first holiday without parents - all in all a good day. We visited young Marines and spent the evening with a good family and expressed our gratitude for our lives.
xxxooo Beth

[gratitude28]

Actually, TT, that is a very helpful response and along the lines of what I am thinking. My mother can, and very possibly might, pull a stunt to try to make others dislike me. I have decided I am ok with that. I do believe that my sister and I have solidified our relationship to the point it won't break - and that is the only relationship I am passionate about keeping. It took us so long to get where we are.
There was a time, as the GC, that my sister displayed N traits, but thankfully she overcame those tendencies. I am so proud of how much she has been able to see. I think our dad helped us to overcome NM. He put his foot down in ridiculous situations. It kills me that he allowed himself to suffer under NM for so long. I pray he is at peace now. I miss him so much.
NM has commented on some posts on Facebook, but has not tried to contact me. I am starting to relax, which means the attack will come soon lol. Seriously, I think I can handle anything now - my husband knows and accepts the situation and was the one to suggest NC.
Thanks so much for your help!
Beth

[Twoapenny]

There was a time, as the GC, that my sister displayed N traits, but thankfully she overcame those tendencies.

Just a comment on what I've learned about GC. 

Male children in our extended family were favored.  My brother was the GC.  It took me a while hanging out here to realize that golden children have 0 to do with becoming the golden child.  Once they are designated, they may play into it, but they don't initiate it IMO. The same screwy parent who scapegoats one may put a halo on another.  I think my brother's character is commendable.  I like him and I love him.  I don't know how he escaped being seriously affected by the favoritism shown him but I'm glad it turned out that way.

I'm glad you and your sister have each other to talk to.  What a blessing...

tt



   

I was the Golden Child in our family, although of course I had no idea that's what it was called.  Growing up, I was the good one and my sister the naughty one.  We were both criticised heavily, judged, etc and subjected to lengthy silences if we didn't please mum.  I learnt, very quickly, that if you were constantly happy, let nothing get you down and developed a sycophantic personality that existed simply to keep mum happy and ignored yourself 100% then life was much more bearable.  My sister didn't learn this.

I started suffering from depression in my twenties and through counselling started to see the truth about how our upbringing had been, how unhappy I was and how I'd never developed a personality of my own.  As I got stronger and started to stand up to my mum the tables turned; her attacks on me were vicious and sustained and suddenly my sister, who she'd always hated, could do no wrong and was the apple of her eye.  Unsuprisingly, my sister then had to make the same sacrifices I did and lost her self and her kids in the process (I don't mean literally, but there is no room for difference if you want to avoid mum's wrath!).  So I'm in the odd position of having experienced both and just thought I'd post in case that helped in anyway.  It's a crazy way to grow up.  I'm glad you get along with your brother TT and I'm glad your sis overcame her N traits, G.  I worried I had those myself and still catch myself sometimes and think "is that normal or am I being like my mum". 

What a crazy, crazy world