trying to escape from abuser

[love2much]

Can anyone give me tips on being strong enough to leave an abusive relationship. My partner is not abusive in a physical sense, but after reading the article of love and stockholm syndrome, I realize that Im in that scenario considering I was contemplating giving up my children to their father so that I could work on our adult relationship. I could really do with some sound advice.
Thankyou

[flower]

Welcome love2much,

What helped me to break off contact with my parents, different scenerio than yours obviously, was to be surrounded by supportive people that could remind me of why I had to break off contact. A person has to make the decision to be strong over and over, imo. Whether you break it off cold turkey or gradually, you will need a support network, most likely.

[BlueTopaz]

Hi love2much

Just like Flower says, some support around you.

If you are in or can get in counseling, it can help.  Other things that can help are reading as much as you can about the emotional workings of why people stay in such relationships, how to leave, and the manipulations that the abusive person will try to pull when you try to leave, and how to handle them.  

Also joining online forums and offline support groups with like people that are going through the exact same thing.  So many good and unique ideas, and empathetic support can be found in those kinds of enviroments.  

Also, if you have good friends & family, it would be a good time to begin to commicate with them more, and spend some time with them.  The point is to rekindle other relationships and develop emotional connections with others that can gradually replace your emotional connection with your partner.

When I left a 5 year relationship with someone with N traits, many months before, in order to prepare, I began to shift the intimate things I shared with my then partner, to sharing them with others.  Things like  what my day was like, interesting, funny or annoying things that happened to me, some of my hopes, my fears etc.  

I found that sharing all these personal things with only him is one thing that kept me emotionally close to my X.   I felt like I couldn't let go because "who would I talk to about xyz"...    Now, it is not only one person that I tell things to anymore, but there are several different people that I share different aspects/things about myself & life with.   It is a freedom not to "need" someone emotionally.  

Wishing you the best....

BT

[Dawning]

When I left a 5 year relationship with someone with N traits, many months before, in order to prepare, I began to shift the intimate things I shared with my then partner, to sharing them with others. Things like what my day was like, interesting, funny or annoying things that happened to me, some of my hopes, my fears etc.

I found that sharing all these personal things with only him is one thing that kept me emotionally close to my X. I felt like I couldn't let go because "who would I talk to about xyz"... Now, it is not only one person that I tell things to anymore, but there are several different people that I share different aspects/things about myself & life with. It is a freedom not to "need" someone emotionally.

This is excellent advice.  I wish I could take workshops everyday so I could feel as good as I did last week when I would come home tired but so happy to have made some connections that were fun.  Tomorrow, I am meeting someone for dinner and Saturday, I am going to an art exhibit with a friend.  The hard part for me was in making the transition from feeling like my heart was locked in a cage and accepting that that was the price I had to pay for love and getting out there and doing stuff.  Once I started that, I got closer to finding the key that would unlock the cage.  Good luck, be yourself, do what you love and you might just find your way out.  Remember....the sun is always above the clouds.

p.s. i fully know what you mean about *escaping.*  However, what has worked for me is to say *practice doing what you love* and with that love, maybe you won't feel the need to escape.

[bludie]

I found that sharing all these personal things with only him is one thing that kept me emotionally close to my X. I felt like I couldn't let go because "who would I talk to about xyz"... Now, it is not only one person that I tell things to anymore, but there are several different people that I share different aspects/things about myself & life with. It is a freedom not to "need" someone emotionally.

This is an excellent awareness, BT. Thank you for posting it. I experienced the very same thing this week upon returning home from a day-long interview that didn't go very well. I had spent weeks preparing for it. When I arrived home I felt complete emptiness (again) because there was no one to share this with....even though my ex-N wasn't always very interested/understanding about my circumstances, he was a physical presence in my daily routine and, once again, I felt a deep sense of loneliness and loss.

As for "escaping," I can only relate to that too well, unfortunately. But I think the key is getting back to 'self' and pursuing that which feeds us physically, emotionally, spiritually. The choices I made under the auspices of pleasing my N were so different than ones I'd make when focused on a true sense of self. I am sorry to say that my relationship with my daughter suffered while trying to please and deal with my ex-N-fiance. He's out of my life for good and I can see that -- although strained; it will take a while -- my connection with my daughter is improving.