Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Sigh
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on January 13, 2014, 12:02:17 PM ---I totally understand how the moments of validation, acknowledgement of the same reality from your sister were very important and healing for you, Tupp. I think what that is, is "I HAVE A WITNESS."
I have felt the same way on some small occasions with friends, who had observed my mother and got it about her self-absoprtion. But the biggest events were:
1) When a judge, in a courtroom, said NO to my abusive brother, who is so beyond N as to be sociopathic
2) And, very ironically, when my mother herself dropped her denial of his abusiveness to me, just for a few golden moments in a nursing home garden. She acknowledged that he had always, always hurt me, and said, "What is the MATTER with that boy?" Sadly, it was her own genes, most likely, that explained a lot of him. But having her say that, confirming the reality I experienced as a little child, was enormous. In near extremis, and at 98, she was able at last to speak that truth out loud.
I am glad your sister came, for what that gave to you.
xo
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Hops. I am glad you got those moments of validation. It really does make a difference doesn't it? I was thinking today and around thirty people who were involved in some way have not validated any of it. It's hard to keep it in perspective when so many people refuse to take any of it seriously. So yes, I'm glad she came and I'm especially glad she's getting her kids out of that situation and also to hear that they rarely spend time there alone (I have really worried about her daughter with that man. So it's good to know they've not been round there day and night).
I am equally proceeding with extreme caution. I know when I tried to break free it took several attempts, so my sister may do the same and to and fro. I'm aware that talking to my sister means my mum will be back in my life in the sense that my sister will want to talk it through. There will need to be some very deep conversations, I think, about her role in this at times and about things that I did when we were kids. Those will be tough conversations to have and might not go well. We will need, at some point, to talk about the sexual abuse. Equally I don't want to tell her anything about my life because I don't want it getting back to my mum. If my mum finds out we're in touch she'll hit the roof and we all know what happens then. Plus as much as I'd love to see my sister's kids (I just cried after she left, I've missed them so much) it isn't fair to involve them in this until we've sorted out our own situation (or not, depending on how it goes). So I'm taking it very slowly and one step at a time. We're meeting up for a walk one day this week. We'll see how that goes and take it from there. But yes, I'm glad she got in touch and it would be really nice if she and I could end up with some sort of relationship that my mum can't control.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on January 12, 2014, 11:29:10 PM ---Tupp....
do yu feel like you;'re sneaking up on closure?
Does it feel it's real?
Like it will truly be done and behind you, or do you think it's just the beginning of another round?
Please keep us updated on the dv advice and support you receive. I'm hoping they add perspective, validation, and ideas to the pot.
Hugs to you and your darling boy,
light
--- End quote ---
It's a bit of both, Lighter. The medical side of things will be largely in the hands of solicitors - if there's a case they'll deal with most of it and I'll just hand over paperwork when necessary. There may be a court case but as I understand it medical stuff is often settled out of court because it's cheaper. So that part of it will be done at some stage and it isn't fussing me too much.
What is bothering me more is the false allegation stuff. I've pulled out two files today to sit down and go through them - and discovered the work's already been done. It's neatly filed, everything's dated, there's a list of what's in the box and what it can be used for and cross referenced with and an explanation of anything in it that isn't obvious. I don't remember doing it. So I'm a bit worried the whole thing freaks me out so much I disassociate and then don't remember what I've done. The only good part to that is that I still seem to do good work when I have no idea I'm doing it :)
Any sort of encounter with my mum causes problems. If I do get an injunction she won't go down without a fight. If we get to court and it's not granted she'll have a field day. There are other people she can terrorise too and then they'll be on the phone moaning about it all. So where she's concerned I suspect this could be the start of her causing problems all over again. Having said that I can't just do nothing, the woman's a menace. I've drafted an email to the DV agency and will send it off tomorrow and see what they come back with.
Thanks for the hug. Right back at ya! :) xx
lighter:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on January 13, 2014, 01:28:50 PM ---
--- Quote from: lighter on January 12, 2014, 11:29:10 PM ---Tupp....
do yu feel like you;'re sneaking up on closure?
Does it feel it's real?
Like it will truly be done and behind you, or do you think it's just the beginning of another round?
Please keep us updated on the dv advice and support you receive. I'm hoping they add perspective, validation, and ideas to the pot.
Hugs to you and your darling boy,
light
--- End quote ---
It's a bit of both, Lighter. The medical side of things will be largely in the hands of solicitors - if there's a case they'll deal with most of it and I'll just hand over paperwork when necessary. There may be a court case but as I understand it medical stuff is often settled out of court because it's cheaper. So that part of it will be done at some stage and it isn't fussing me too much.
What is bothering me more is the false allegation stuff. I've pulled out two files today to sit down and go through them - and discovered the work's already been done. It's neatly filed, everything's dated, there's a list of what's in the box and what it can be used for and cross referenced with and an explanation of anything in it that isn't obvious. I don't remember doing it. So I'm a bit worried the whole thing freaks me out so much I disassociate and then don't remember what I've done. The only good part to that is that I still seem to do good work when I have no idea I'm doing it :)
Any sort of encounter with my mum causes problems. If I do get an injunction she won't go down without a fight. If we get to court and it's not granted she'll have a field day. There are other people she can terrorise too and then they'll be on the phone moaning about it all. So where she's concerned I suspect this could be the start of her causing problems all over again. Having said that I can't just do nothing, the woman's a menace. I've drafted an email to the DV agency and will send it off tomorrow and see what they come back with.
Thanks for the hug. Right back at ya! :) xx
--- End quote ---
Tupp:
It's alarming to see all that work without remembering having organized and filed it away, huh? It makes me feel kind of shaky inside for you when I think about it. I guess you're grateful, to find it completed, and alarmed at the same time.
I know one thing..... it's terrible for anyone to have to experience a sustained attack against us and our children. It's much worse if the person doing the stalking is someone in a position of trust, like a mother, or husband, IME.
No one wants to believe that kind of truth, in any case. No one. It's difficult to speak about it, without being punished and judged by outsiders. Maybe the DV folks have information on speaking so you can be heard and understood, instead of dismissed, ignored and punished.
I'm praying the courts step up, do right by you, and deliver justice in whatever form it takes.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Ah thanks, Lighter, it did freak me out a bit but equally it means there's less to do now so that was good! I'm finding it all easier to get through now, maybe discovering or acknowledging that has shifted something? I don't know.
Reading through my old psychiatric notes has been quite revealing, the attitudes often seem to be quite harsh and unpleasant. Funny, really, I think when you're in a tough place what you often need is tea and sympathy and I've found a lot more of that online than I did anywhere else.
But I'm quite pleased with the progress I'm making with it and I'm keeping up with other stuff as well (usually I get so into this sort of thing that I don't do other stuff and it all gets a bit much). So it's going okay, I feel like the end is in sight. Either way, I do feel like this year is the year I can put it all to bed.
Hugs to you and your girls :)
lighter:
Tupp:
My hope is that your mum won't be able to hide behind her lies and manipulations when this goes to court.....
as Mud always said....
"It's hard for the pd's to hide in the harsh light of a courtroom."
You've done all you can do, and I pray it's enough to bring you peace.
Lighter
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