Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Sigh
Twoapenny:
Well I am plodding on with the paperwork. There is just, physically, so much of it, that organising it is a bit of a headache. I don't know what the solicitors will need and what they won't and I'm trying to get it in such a way that I can easily find anything they ask for, rather than having to plough through mountains of stuff every time they phone.
It has occurred to me today that this situation finally being over - whatever happens or whatever the outcome - will be a really big change in my life. My mum has dominated my life with my son for a decade. However much I've tried to focus on him - and I have done that as much as possible - her spooky shadow has always been there in the background, threatening to undermine anything and everything I am doing. I realised that there is a little bit of me that is scared of this not being here any more. It has been a crutch at times; something to hide behind and avoid doing things because of. So while it being out of the way is obviously a good thing I think I need to focus on getting some positive stuff to fill my time with. I don't want to leave a hole that can be filled with more unpleasantness :)
I think I'm about a third of the way through now. It isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. One thing that does strike me as being ironic is the huge focus my mum has had on my mental health and the (supposed) abuse of my son, whilst she is completely oblivious to the mental health problems she has and brought us up in a horribly abusive household which she insists was lovely. I'm also struck by the number of professionals over the years who have believed my mum over me. My diagnosed, treated and under control mental health condition undermined my credibility, whilst my mother's undiagnosed and untreated whatever it is she has was no barrier whatsoever to the lies that she told. It's a funny world we live in :)
Meh:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on January 10, 2014, 12:59:14 AM ---
Yep I'm following the 12 steps ;) I'm just glad she's getting herself and the kids out of the situation and there is that odd/horrible sense of relief when someone else finally validates what you've been saying for so many years because the same thing has happened to them (or is happening to them). Even though I knew it was real someone else coming by and saying 'Yep, me too' gives me enormous relief.
--- End quote ---
The alcoholics anonymous steps?
YES, that is a common thing with the results of being in a relationship with a Nar is that one questions one's own "rightness of mind"
Validation is very much needed to know that you were not the problem yourself as Nar's tend to make us think
I found Validation huge for my sanity but also somewhat sad and depressing all at the same time because it simultaneously confirms the worst
lighter:
Tupp....
do yu feel like you;'re sneaking up on closure?
Does it feel it's real?
Like it will truly be done and behind you, or do you think it's just the beginning of another round?
Please keep us updated on the dv advice and support you receive. I'm hoping they add perspective, validation, and ideas to the pot.
Hugs to you and your darling boy,
light
Hopalong:
I totally understand how the moments of validation, acknowledgement of the same reality from your sister were very important and healing for you, Tupp. I think what that is, is "I HAVE A WITNESS."
I have felt the same way on some small occasions with friends, who had observed my mother and got it about her self-absoprtion. But the biggest events were:
1) When a judge, in a courtroom, said NO to my abusive brother, who is so beyond N as to be sociopathic
2) And, very ironically, when my mother herself dropped her denial of his abusiveness to me, just for a few golden moments in a nursing home garden. She acknowledged that he had always, always hurt me, and said, "What is the MATTER with that boy?" Sadly, it was her own genes, most likely, that explained a lot of him. But having her say that, confirming the reality I experienced as a little child, was enormous. In near extremis, and at 98, she was able at last to speak that truth out loud.
I am glad your sister came, for what that gave to you.
xo
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Green Bean on January 10, 2014, 10:10:55 PM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on January 10, 2014, 12:59:14 AM ---
Yep I'm following the 12 steps ;) I'm just glad she's getting herself and the kids out of the situation and there is that odd/horrible sense of relief when someone else finally validates what you've been saying for so many years because the same thing has happened to them (or is happening to them). Even though I knew it was real someone else coming by and saying 'Yep, me too' gives me enormous relief.
--- End quote ---
The alcoholics anonymous steps?
YES, that is a common thing with the results of being in a relationship with a Nar is that one questions one's own "rightness of mind"
Validation is very much needed to know that you were not the problem yourself as Nar's tend to make us think
I found Validation huge for my sanity but also somewhat sad and depressing all at the same time because it simultaneously confirms the worst
--- End quote ---
Yes I completely get what you're saying there, Green, it's reassuring and horrible at the same time. Realising you feel relieved that someone else has been treated as badly as you is horrible :( But also shows you're not the one with the problem. And not the AA steps in the literal sense but just in the sense of dealing with an addiction/unhealthy relationship and taking it slowly, one day at a time, checking in here and thinking it all through.
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