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sfalken:
I see many of the same people and some of the same topics here. I thought I would write again too. It's been a long time.

I buckled this last year, and at some point, I decided to do the impossible - to try once more to have some sort of semi-peace with my Nmother and father. We went to a couple dinners, and I even was able to take my father out fishing - for one surreal day in the sun on my favorite Great Lake last summer. It was beautiful - and I was shocked my mother let him off the leash for that long.

By the second dinner, (my son's birthday) it was clear to me that my mother's fake image of wanting peace was crumbling. In the midst of the dinner, my son - tried to talk with her 3-4 times, and was met with grandma quite boldly blowing him off and talking to someone else. At the end of that dinner, she stopped everyone from talking, and blurted out her displeasure with my daughter for blocking her on facebook, and then cast the blame on me (which it is not - I encourage my children to have a voice and make their own decisions). When I said that it wasn't the time or place, she reasserted her statement, and ended and ruined my son's birthday dinner.

In the weeks that followed, she became uber irritating - asking me for pictures of the children - so that she could put them online and pretend to be a proper grandmother, which she is not. And then, as usual, her cockiness got worse before the holidays, and following a short exchange of messages between her and I on facebook (nothing bad on my part I think - but I did respectfully disagree with her pushing her family at me in the conversation and some of the lies she was telling - were met with bold truth). Then she reached her goal. She said, "maybe having me as a facebook friend is too much for you?", and I told her she was right, and blocked her, for my own sanity. That night, my father's phone sent me a text saying to never contact them again as long as I live until I apologize for my tone toward my mother. Which at 40, I find quite laughable to be addressed like I am 8.

When I say she reached her goal - I mean that, it is her goal to ruin the holidays, so that we dont see one another, and she doesnt have to put any real energy into anything - and then, for her to turn around and act like a victim, and to characterize me, as a villain. That's the un-merry go round I've been riding since birth.

But wait, there's more!

On Christmas, I received texts from her asking if we would be allowing them to speak to or call our children. When I reminded her that they had said we should have no contact, she said that my father never said that, and that I was being dramatic. She continued to text me for the last month with similar requests, and I continued to respond the same way - until I got a note the other night saying "I'm sorry you cannot let this go." and then a bunch of Oprah babble about relationships, etc. - which she knows nothing about.

So I sat on the couch the other night, and I told my wife, "I'm ready to grow up". "I'm ready to break the cycle". After 40 years. And I blocked them from calling or texting me, permanently. Which I have never done.

Its the same thing I wrote here years ago. The same un-merry go round. You get on with the conscious intent of finding some kind of better peace in the relationship, and the N puts up a fake image of wanting to "work on it". Then the N begins to crumble when they dont get whatever compulsive thing they are really looking for or obsessed with in reality - and their real face begins to show. Then you get tired of the N and begin to get irritated and speak your mind and set limits. Then the N calls you a villain, cuts ties, pretends to be a victim, and blames you for everything to their adoring fans. Then you remain quiet until, the N tries to come back and tell you that whatever just happened, didn't happen. When you remind them of reality, they blame you again, and act like a victim. <Repeat>

Its mind boggling, really. I shouldn't be surprised - but I am glad to write here. Thanks for listening.

lighter:
::Waving::

Hi sfalken...... it's been a while.

I'm glad to see you;'re back.

Sorry to read you've been struggling, and unable to create a sustainable relationship with your parents.

They're broken.

They can';t do any better, or they would.

You deserved better, and they'll never be able to give that to you.

It's unfair, and I'm glad you've adjusted your expectations and found some closure.

((sfalken))

Lighter

BonesMS:
((((((((((((((((sfalken)))))))))))))))

sfalken:
Thanks guys.

It just sucks. The normal human side of me - the one that normal healthy people have - wanted to reach out to them, but the side of me that knows them realized once again, after being beaten by them again, that they are not normal. Having been through so much, even I fell prey to it again.

I am glad for that day in the sun that I had with my dad last summer. I think someday when someone tells me that his time has come to an end - that is the day I will think about.

Actually, I spend a lot of time thinking about what will happen when I hear of their end at some point - if they should go before me. But why? Rationally, I know that I will not have anything to do with it, but my heart has not gotten the message to separate from that thought yet.

It's funny. The mind is wired hard for some things. It is pretty difficult to rewire.

Twoapenny:
Welcome back, Sfalken.

I'd echo what Lighter said.  I have found it easier as the years have gone on, they are what they are and there is no changing that.  I try to think of it like people speaking different languages - if there's  no inclination on their part to change, amend or adapt then there's is little more you can do then walk away.  Abuse is abuse is abuse, people often don't see it that way if it isn't physical but those mind games and constant denials etc are exhausting to deal with and used to leave me wondering if I was going crazy.  It's not a good place to be.

You're doing the right thing for your kids; we have to lead by example where our children are concerned and I find that useful now.  Would I encourage my son to accept this kind of behaviour?  The answer is no, so that helps me walk and keep on walking.

Keep checking in, people are here for you :)

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