Work woes

[Meh]

what  ^ she ^ said X 2

[Hopalong]

Thank you, Sea and Boat (nice pair!)--
I really appreciate that so much, can't express.

It's just yucky. Now Nboss wants another meeeting where we peel our chests open so he can poke his finger in and play with our psyches. He is so emotionally untrustworthy himself (insisting on playing therapist-guru though he's the employer) that I feel ghastly-vulnerable. I am resisting the meeting. He says it's "optional" but I'm certain he will label me "uncooperative" or "not a team player" if I decline. It just feeds the game if I do, and if I don't.

I'm working on an email to decline with sound reasons. He purportedly "respects vulnerability." We have company values like "empathy" and "respect." But I, and fortunately Gman, know it's utterly insincere. He loves posting them because it makes him/the company look good. But his private behavior shows that it's just a pretense.

Ick
Ick
Ick

Means a lot to vent on here and get support...thank you thank you!

love
Hops

[sea storm]

Hi Hops,

Good to vent. Go ahead and let er rip.  Trust your instincts on this one for sure. Your boss is from the " here kitty, kittyl....... nice little bowl of cream for you...... Whump! " school of leadership.

How to survive this....... Big heart protectors. Looking back I was such an easy prey.  I would get triggered and then show my vulnerability and pain and look kind of crazy to everyone  I am aure.  i am a good actress and can look calm and composed but the person in authority being a narcissist really bugged me. So he targetted me.

The number one rule is to not show you are disturbed. Get tons of support here.  Thank him for his ideas.
" Thank you so much for your suggestion that we create a more cohesive team and pull together. It is very helpful to work in this way. I will go back and organize my thoughts on this and get back to you next Tuesday". You will never change him or the succubants.  Don't get slowly boiled in oil dear Hops. 

That is advice and I am sorry to be preachy.  I have read everyting I can on sick workplaces and what they do to perfectly hardworkding  good people.

[Hopalong]

THANK YOU, Sea. Preach on!
I need to hear it and your language and images are so intuitive and evocative
that your message really reached me.

Strengthened me.

Thank you. Heart guards. Refuse the saucer. Step over the oil slick. Etc.

It just feels right and that kind of imaginative, empathic support is golden.

Thank you so much.

And I just caught up on your story thread. What a looooooooooooooong way
you've come...and now it sounds like you're just building a life of beauty.
Inside and out.

I'm so happy to read that view of you.

love
Hops

[sea storm]

That is ok Hops. Glad to offer assistance. I could give workshops on ths and write books. I have studied it non stop and lived it way too long.
#1 You do not deserve it. NOBODY DOES.
# 2 Trust your instincts. The guy is leaking poison.  He is a toxic dump of a boss.
# 3 There may be another place for you.
#4 Don't wait until you crack up or get sick before you go.
# 5 Tape record some of this stuff.  It will help you to trust your instinct so there is not even a little part of you that believes his bullshit.
#6  If no one has stepped up to help you out this is a sign that they don't want to be next. This is hurtful but very predictable. Don't look for nurturance in the place where you work. It will just disappoint you and contribute to your low self esteem.

There are powers at work that are group dynmically designed to screw you over. Nevermind worrying about being a victim. You are a victim and few people seem to have the psychological perception to really understand this stuff. Thank goodness a part of you is detaching and seeing it for what ti is.

Standing by. This would make a fantastic book. You are such a good writer, Hops.

[sKePTiKal]

Oh, you do know that this won't change until there really are personnel changes at the top, right? Or until you leave.

And that people, being people of all sorts... you're bound to run into this even somewhere else. It's just par for the course, I think. Some of the gentler means of social interaction seem to be fading away in this era. Things that made it possible to function around dysfunctional people, in spite of them.

The only thing I have to suggest, is to give yourself a pep talk - and remind yourself that you've already lived through this kind of crap and worse and survived it intact. (Maybe a little disheveled and grossed out - but intact!) I truly think that these workplace bullies are terribly naive: it worked one time on one person, therefore this technique/strategy will always work on everyone who threatens my self-ordained and self-proclaimed territory or power threshold.

They honestly believe that you're not able to see right through them and what their motives really are. Like a toddler who plays at being invisible. Pathetic.

Get up in the morning and put on your armor - every morning - so that when you recognize that the monkey is throwing feces again - you can shrug it off, with "OK, and I'm protected by this suit I can take off and it'll wash right off". Remember Alfred? Batman's butler? He'll clean your suit for you, so it's bright and shiny in the morning again...

Yeah, it's silly. Works for me.

[sea storm]

Very thoughtful comment. This whole thing is something that should not happen. Like beating bunnies or kicking the oog. Those you can see and it is clear. This is like wading through oatmeal every day at work. With the occasional thunderbolt that nearly knocks you out.  It is so wrong. It is such an uphill batter.

You survival stategy is a good idea.  You mean you put your armor on and you forge ahead. Maybe you are in the upper echelons of the pecking order???? This having good boundaries not letting others diminish you is a very good art to have. Like having the handle on the inside so you can keep out rats etc.

Hops you make some very astute comments on older people being marginalized and women being marginalized. Being excluded, overlooked, minimized etc. is destructive.  If you take it on. This is really hard to avoid under the circumstances.

I like to watch Inspector Morse because he abhors the way leadership is defined in his job. He is constantly in trouble and undervalued. He exaberates his superiors.  Somehow he doesn't care. He is such a psychological warrior. He balances a lot of this work hell
sup

[Meh]

Hops,

God, this is insane.

What if you just asked for an action plan in writing and decline the therapy or guided visualizations, can't you just say it's starting to violate your religious beliefs or something..

Like, my church doesn't believe in visualizations outside of the church and I am more comfortable with therapeutic techniques being administered by a licensed mental health professional so can you just put the action plan in a document as it pertains to communication styles etc.

Or request that if that dude has an issue to address it to the manager instead of to the whole office??  

Nah, Don't leave Hops. Just kick P man in the nards.

[sea storm]

That's a good idea.  It violates your religious beliefs. How creepy to force someone to be vulnerable. YOU WILL let me intrude into your deepest recesses and soft places..... definately creepy.  A rself righteous power trip.

I hope you are ok. This  stuff triggers old wounds for sure. There must be a way to step aside and let the bs go by. Garbanzo is right on when she says kick im in the nards.  At least this could be a good visualization.
When I was being hung up to dry I would try to be like the Lamas in the chinese prison.  They meditated and refused to give their bliss to the sadistic guards. This is insidious offender behaiour you are experiencing. Try not to catch the projections, they can really knock you on your butt.
 n
You are a perfectly adequate person and people like you../

[sKePTiKal]

Nah, Don't leave Hops. Just kick P man in the nards.

This is also an effective technique. Time & place being a critical element. Any old unexpected and out of character self-defense or expression of "I've had quite enough out of you" can work. Last resort, for me though.

Unless I'm wearing stilettos.

LOL... I guess you could always sneak up behind him and give him a wedgie instead!!

[Hopalong]

Thank you invisible Amazons, so much!

Well, I flunked the "never let them see you upset" rule by a mile, and got teary in the meeting,
but managed to bring along my sane ally, Gman (though Nboss tried everything to set it up so
it would be "inconvenient" for him to come along). So we got to skip the forced meditation.

But I did get emotional, told Nboss I had felt completely thrown under the bus by his dismissive
reaction, defended my own perspective, etc.

I survived. But do wish I could leave. I'm almost 64 and just can't afford to, since I'd never
find another job here that could even half replace my salary ... there are bennies here I have
to hang in for, unfortunately. Again, though, the difference is having both witnesses and allies.

The writing idea is extremely compelling, and I do have a memoir in mind that could be very
therapeutic to write whether it's ever published or not. Giving it serious thought.

Current crisis seems over...a few touchy-feely (without the touchy) exercises coming up,
but with the full group, which is much less threatening to me than the private meetings.
So I'll survive.

Just nearly lost it this time, and explained to Nboss it was because after he'd sent Pman
to therapy and the behavior went away for a year, I'd thought it was over, so didn't have
my guard up. Was totally unprepared and too slow to spot the shivving coming.

Made my cooperation and seriousness clear, despite the few tears, and it wasn't awful.
But I'm sickened (re-sickened) by the cycle.

I think Nboss has a few surprises coming...among them, that my other "ally" who is super
bright and creative and a huge asset, is looking for another job. Doesn't appreciate his
tiny salary with two young kids. Duh.

Thank you all of you for hearing and validating me.

love,
Hops

[lighter]

Well, I flunked the "never let them see you upset" rule by a mile, and got teary in the meeting,
but managed to bring along my sane ally, Gman (though Nboss tried everything to set it up so
it would be "inconvenient" for him to come along). So we got to skip the forced meditation.
Hops, why did you get to skip the forced meditation? 

But I did get emotional, told Nboss I had felt completely thrown under the bus by his dismissive
reaction, defended my own perspective, etc. What was Nboss response?

I survived. But do wish I could leave. I'm almost 64 and just can't afford to, since I'd never
find another job here that could even half replace my salary ... there are bennies here I have
to hang in for, unfortunately. Again, though, the difference is having both witnesses and allies.
What was Gman's response to the meeting?

The writing idea is extremely compelling, and I do have a memoir in mind that could be very
therapeutic to write whether it's ever published or not. Giving it serious thought.  It would be like excising demons, IME.

Current crisis seems over...a few touchy-feely (without the touchy) exercises coming up,
but with the full group, which is much less threatening to me than the private meetings. Is anyone in the office happy about these exercises?
So I'll survive. 

Just nearly lost it this time, and explained to Nboss it was because after he'd sent Pman
to therapy and the behavior went away for a year, I'd thought it was over, so didn't have
my guard up. Was totally unprepared and too slow to spot the shivving coming.  Again, what was Nboss' response to that statement?  lighter

love,
Hops

[Hopalong]

Hops, why did you get to skip the forced meditation?

Because Nboss senses the professionalism of Gman (he's our sole MBA) and wouldn't bother forcing it on
him alone w/me. He just did it with me alone with Pman-devotee because that's his notion of "preparing" us to talk.

What was Nboss response?

Blank face. Maybe a small flicker of discomfort or distress. Couldn't be sure.

What was Gman's response to the meeting?

He just said he was glad he could support me. And in the meeting he made clear, though
without dramatics, that he did. He had to go off to plan his grandpa's funeral. I was so grateful.
I don't imagine any knight-in-armor behavior, but his behind-the-scenes support has meant a lot.
I'm not asking him to confront Nboss for me, because he has to tend to his own position's safety too.
(Although in a way I did, by asking him to come even though Nboss was trying to avoid that, and
asking him to speak freely since we might not get another chance. He did, though quietly. And
that was okay. I understand it's awkward for him to show support for me, and he did anyway.)

It would be like excising demons, IME.

And, it might even be fun. I have SO many anecdotes and character studies I could do.

Is anyone in the office happy about these exercises?

I doubt it. Pman, the golden Nsociopathchild, metaphorically claps like a seal at everything Nboss initiates, so he appears to like them. I strongly
doubt anyone else does. Nboss is not open to mutiny, however, and it's an unwritten rule that nobody objects. This guru-stuff and "spiritual leadership"
pose is in Nboss' DNA, which everyone can sense. So nobody complains (payback would be fierce, and he's still the majority owner and we all still
need our jobs). So we all just suck it up and endure them. I know my other ally hates these mediations a lot, but he's not going to say anything.

Again, what was Nboss' response to that statement?  lighter

Same thing: Blank face. Maybe a trace of discomfort or distress, etc... Ns don't usually reveal much. His responses are pretty robotic.

[lighter]

As I was reading your response, Hops, I was thinking what an absurd waste of time it is for your boss to allow employee on employee hostilities to overtake the office, without addressing it in a meaningful way that stops it in it's tracks.

The chaos that's allowed to rule, the inflammatory e mails, the backbiting, the baseless accusations....... until N boss sweeps in with his awkward meditative mediations and save the day, is so very skewed.  No wonder Nboss wouldn't force it down Gman's throat....it sounds crazy.  I hope Nboss got to hear that Gman thinks the sycophant is the problem, and too much time is being wasted NOT dealing with him.  Pffft.

That office is a playground for pd's, and the following saying comes to mind......

"Nobody has more fun than people and (flying)monkeys. 

The flying monkeys in your office have way too much time on their hands.

::shaking head::

I'm so hoping your office ends up with a benign, if not fair, leader very soon.

From where I'm sitting, I don't really think your job was on the line, or that a true crisis was afoot, though I know exactly how it feels to be attacked, and threatened with malice like that.

We respond the same, no matter how real the threat is.

I wonder if we can train ourselves to NOT react in the future?  No adrenaline dumps.  No upset.  No fear, or emotional upheaval?

lighter

[Meh]

Well on my work front there was an improvement today...

The guy who was talking about genitals and prostitutes etc. etc. etc. well he finally pissed a customer off so bad that he got fired. He got his own arse fired.      

I am so relieved, honestly I couldn't believe that it took so long.  He was so rude, every time he walked by me I didn't make contact with him.

There was another lady where I work who told me that he made her really uncomfortable also and I had no idea about it, she is one of the senior people there.

This is going to make my days just a little bit more tolerable and happy at work... yay   yaya   yaya

Things can and do change it small ways.... sometimes

This doesn't improve your situation at all but I feel like it's a little hurrah for what is "right in the world"