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Scared of what other people think

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Twoapenny:
Is anyone else scared or worried about what other people think if they reveal to them dark secrets or some of the things that go through their heads or the way that they feel sometimes?

I've been writing and I realise how frightened I am of the way the things I write would be perceived by other people - that they're proof that I'm nuts/delusional/mentally ill/pick your description.  For example, at the minute I feel like someone was created when I was young to protect me from the abuse. I feel like she built a shell around me that is hard to get down, even now, because she's still so scared of what might happen.  It does feel like two distinct, separate people, but I am so frightened when I write something like that (even in my own diary) that it could be taken as 'proof' that I have a split personality or that I genuinely believe I am two different people (that isn't how it feels but it's hard to put these sorts of things into words).  I realised the reason I don't tell people a lot of stuff is because I'm so scared of what they might do with that information afterwards and how it might affect the way they see or behave towards me.  I'm scared of anything other than the 'Stepford Wife' approach because I feel that people have used intimate knowledge in the past to attack and degrade me (or even control me, in my mum's case).  Sorry rambling on a bit, just wondered if anyone else has similar problems?

Hopalong:
I just think you're not "split" Tupp...you're just creative and very skilled with language.
I believe you are a whole person.

You might consider that in ordinary language and more ordinary descriptions, there are many hints that people often do that sort of "walling off" to protect themselves. We have common ideas in the culture like:
inner child
trust issues
I have trouble letting my guard down
inner self
don't easily share myself with others

Stuff like that. It's all a question of degree but you haven't "split" in my opinion. You're just aware that there is a surface "you" who is fiercely guarded, and that so far, it hasn't yet been safe to be all integrated and unguarded, but you are on an intentional, healing path.

I think you are instinctively and fiercely protecting her with your surface "act" and that this is a perfectly logical response to your early experience. Of course it affected you that way. I also think that with time and the kind of healing you're doing, you will be able to soften your guard and gradually, safely, begin finding out what it's like to let those divided parts grow togethere...and knit a stronger, less anxious self.

You'll just show your real face because it'll be that wise, healed self. Healing just takes the time it takes, that's all. Be kind with yourself. Don't add a new "label" to beat yourself up with.

You don't have to be perky or perfect or positive all the time, you know.

hugs
Hops

lighter:
::Raising hand::

Anyone who's lived under siege, esp those who've been fielding false accusations that could land them in a courtroom proceeding that takes their children, lives the way you've been living, Tupp.

The pd's create trauma, then point to it......

like they had nothing to DO with it.

Lord knows, you don't want to hand them anything that helps them in their cause.

And.... you likely do have defense mechanisms the child-you developed to stay safe when you were young.  Maybe those aren't serving you as well in your adult life?

Are you still seeing a T?  Do you feel seeing a T will be used against you in some way?  Or can you go in, be completely honest, and get everything off your plate, warts and all.  They say everyone needs to tell everything about themselves, good and bad, to someone in order to feel accepted, and OK on the earth. 

Have you ever had that, Tupp? 

lighter

Twoapenny:
Thank you both.  I think part of the problem is I don't feel safe telling anyone all of it.  I judge what people can handle.  I find most people aren't as supportive/helpful/non-judgemental as the people on this board.  Thank goodness it's here.  There are very few people in real life I could talk to about this sort of thing.

Not even a T, Lighter, my worry is that I know the courts could access my therapy records if they wanted to.  So even there I'm guarded with what I talk about.  I'm not currently seeing anyone.  I'm on the waiting list with a Rape Crisis centre.  Even that worries me.  I think the after effects of trauma tend to be emotional/mental health related.  So talking about them openly, honestly, feels like I'm laying out possible ways I could be accused of failing him.  They can never guarantee complete confidentiality because they have to report if they have concerns about a child or that you might harm yourself.  That's the bit that scares me, getting someone who thinks everyone with MH issues should be monitored.  So it's all those things on my mind that I have to lay to rest before I start opening up even a little bit.

I think there are just a lot of triggers at the moment.  Contact from mum and sister, obviously, my dad's anniversary, my son's birthday is coming up and he'll be the age I was when the abuse started, they're all things that are pushing at the minute, I think.  On the good side we should be able to start looking to move soon and I think that will help enormously now.  I really need to be away from them and not be thinking I might bump into one of them every time I leave the house.

I'm also tired of not being listened to, not being heard.

Told my sis not to turn up during the day, make an arrangement first.  Didn't see her for a year, now she's turning up when she feels like it.
Told step-brother he needs more help than I can give him, he needs to make arrangements, he hasn't, keeps turning up asking me to do things for him.
A friend this evening wanted to come round, I said I was too busy, tried twice more to convince me to drop my own plans so that she can come over.

They're not big things on their own but it's more to deal with.  I get tired of saying the same things to people.  How much clearer do you need to be?

It's all good, in a way, more comes up that you need to shift and once it's shifted it gets easier.  It's just that messy bit in between that's a pain.  Thank you for being there.

lighter:
Tupp:

I understand the problem you have with asking for help, then being afraid it'll be used against you.

I solved that problem by seeking help (from a holistic doctor) under a false name.

That way, I knew I wouldn't ever have to deal with fallout, and could go about doing what I needed to get the best possible outcome for me and my children.

You deserve to have that too.

(((((Tupp and son))))))

Do what you need to do.

Lighter

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