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Got stuck in full throttle ahead

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Hopalong:
Salons with Japanese art!
I love this.

Sea, you are right: art is life.

SO happy you let that part blossom.

xxoo
Hops

sea storm:
Thank you guys.  I am doing this in a town of 15,000 on the west coast of Vancouver Island so I don't have a lot of interested supporters.  I appreciate your kind words. I gave this up thirty years ago because it seemed only rich women who volunteered got to be in this. Now I can do it too. Believing in myself is very hard. I feel stupid saying this. At least I am following my dream and not giving up. It is way more work than I thought it would be.
I just got to the point where I had to reinvent myself. It felt like there was nothing left.There are poignant surprises in this. There are so many times in history when the good guys did not win. So then what do they do. I mean the people who get snagged up in the experience of getting close to a narcisisst or two. Really seems irretrievable. I cashed in my rsps and went to work on Japanese antiques. Scrapped the therapist work.
Oh well

Sea

sea storm:
I am having to be accountable these days. Financially, and that is why I had my taxes done. Out of the blue I got asked to appear on a IV show about antiques where they have someone bring  a piece and four antique dealers make offers. Someone on CBC  noticed my site and thought it was interesting. I couldn't go because I hadn't paid my taxes and was away from work sick. So now it is all legitimite.
They wanted a Japanese fighting fan.  So interesting.... When the Shogun banned samurai from carrying swords, they resorted to using other items as weapons. They made their fans with iron instead of bamboo.  There are vignettes of men showing how they used the fans for signalling and for fighting. It is dazzling.

I had two counselling clients  too. One was a murderer who wanted to keep his young wife from leaving. I actually wondered if she would live to the next appointment.  He was so charismatic.  Also a psychopath.  There were so many ethical problems.  Problematic.
The other client was a mother who was worried about her suicidal daughter. The mother wanted me to fix her daughter and did not or could not see the role of the family. The gift I gave her, which she did not want, was that the family was very much a part of this. I wondered how the daughter could survive in this family and marvelled at her strength. The gift I gave the daughter was to see some of the dynamics that were contributing to her distress and to affirm her view of things. She was so the truthteller in the family. I found the work amazingly profound but also not what I need to be doing.  All that is too much without support and debriefing.

So I went for Jin Shin Doh which is counselling and bodywork Powerful stuff. I am not stuck in full throttle but have been sleeping for days. Feels like the flu. OR.... like I have been at war and having to fight and be vigilant and now I have stopped.  I was trying to be somebody, to amount to something, to realize my potential. Selling the house is significant in some way that I can't understand. You would think I was married to it. Big deal. I have lived in a small trailor in the the woods with no electricity, in a boat in the middle of nowhere, in apartments, nice houses.  I just put stuff n boxes and moved. This time I am like a jellyfish with tentacles wrapped around the house.

I went to the new house and the owner was there. He was really nice and asked if I would like to see the yard as the ffowers and plants were coming alive. It is so much more than I thought it was. I am so lucky. But it has triggered my old post traumatic stress and I am feeling the old wild monkey at work. I have almost stopped my store but it goes on by itself almost because it is online. I need ot go to the next step with it. A better website, get things to auction houses for higher prices. But right now I am really tired out and there is no denying it. Of course I am catastraphizing this and thinking the worst.

Any thought or advice appreciated.

Love,
Sea storm

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