Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Struggling
lighter:
Hi Tupp:
The self reflection stuff, peeled down to the bone, is hard.
Just.
So.
Hard.
We're normally surrounded, as you say, keeping busy, being moms, and doing paperwork.....
then we get to the point where we can have outside contact, and, again....
it's hard..... it's change.
Choices.
Doing things imperfectly, which is sort'a tough, IMO. Esp the social, for introverts.
I've noticed, every hard place, leads to a better place, if that helps any.
The self reflection part, which I'm very familiar with RIGHT NOW, is a good thing, IMO.
I count it as a good sign, and aim to journal more.
I think it might help you put your thoughts in order, and file them away like your paperwork, too.
Going back, looking at where we were, seeing how far we've come, and officially putting things to bed after visiting it enough times, is easier when it's somewhere we can find it, without having to recall it when we think of it, or need it. To make sense of it, and put it in order.
Well, that's my two cents worth, but I will say.....
it makes me very hopeful to picture you gardening, and moving to a better place, away from your mum.
It sometimes feels empty when the pd's fall away, IME.
Change is just hard, even if it's good change, IME.
You're going to be fine, (((Tupp.)))
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: BonesMS on March 19, 2014, 12:51:19 PM ---((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
--- End quote ---
Bonesie, you give the best cyber hugs in the world!!!! Thank you :) (((((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Garbanzo on March 19, 2014, 11:37:37 PM ---Heya yousy twosy, read it... :) Sigh...yeah. Sometimes one just needs to get stuff wrote on down and out in plain view.
--- End quote ---
Thanks, G, yes, I know you get it. A lot of what I read in your thread about your brother really resonates with me, it's tough and lonely path to tread sometimes. Thank you xx
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on March 20, 2014, 07:37:42 AM ---Scared + tired. Of course you are.
And you have a move coming up, which is challenging but WONDERFUL.
You will be in a better area and NOT across the street from your meanest critic!
(I remember being stunned when I realized she was...Right...There....)
But moving is also stressful and you see the clock ticking, and change/growth
in your son, etc.
Do you have any sense of what his adult life circumstances will be?
Is there any way there can be a different picture, other than you living
alone with your son forever? You love him enough to do that, of course.
But if he could live in a positive, well run adult group home, it might be
better for him (and for you--so this isolation you drift into wouldn't become
permanent). I don't know what your community or personal options are.
Once you're away from there, I bet the daily effort of
wearing a "good" mask will be less stressful. You might even sit back
in a cozy armchair by your sunny window and it might occur to you....
Huh. My face feels better. Or... I guess I've been "good" all along.
Or, if you're thinking of some critical remark, just... Too bad they think
that way. But it's not about me. Provincialism is nasty sometimes.
One thought about what you've modeled for your son....you know,
seeing a parent peaceably chatting at the kitchen table with another
adult. That's modeling. And isn't it better to model something simple?
Some people model screaming/drinking/violence/gambling/addiction
for their children. You're mad at yourself for modeling mild introversion?
Feh. He's smart and watching the world. Be good to get him into whatever
activities DO help kids with special needs learn to relate, I think. But how
is that all on you?
It's like you have a list of ways in which you are not perfect or don't
have control. Not a kind way to design your self-talk but believe me,
I know what a massive struggle it is to learn to just ease up on yourself.
You do know everybody has dark thoughts at times, and most of us
have a shadow side, and it's not abnormal to feel conflict between
public and private selves? And a whole lot of culture and childhood religion
teach us to mistrust, loathe, judgejudgejudgejudge ourselves and everybody
else?
Lastly...what sort of work do you think you'll likely do? I think work is
a great idea for you. Even part time. It's a gift to focus outward more.
And if you ever had your own small business, I believe you'd do extremely
well and lift yourself right out.
I think about the British class system, still, now and then. It's here in
small-town America. But a small business changes everything because anyone
who can make, create, write, do math...can these days earn money at it.
You write and communicate SO well I could see you with a nice website,
selling something straightforward but in a charming way....
The running-scared staying-busy could turn into more of building-something,
planning-a-life kind of thing.
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thank you Hops, I know! Right across the road. I am like a fly caught in a web. I've got her, two of my sisters, my step brother and a whole host of people who know them all within five minutes of my home. There are memories on every corner. I needed to be here, I think, to do the work - I'm so good at avoiding it all that I really had to have it shoved in my face all the time to deal with it or I don't think I ever would have. But I am very, very much ready to move on now, I feel sick constantly, I don't want the memories any more, I want nice new fresh ones :)
I think it might be thinking about my son's future that triggered all this off. I have found a really good college that runs courses for kids with learning difficulties from the age of 16 to 21. So we could have five years of him being somewhere that I think he would really like as he grows through that kid to adult stage, and then it would lead quite naturally into some kind of supported living - I don't know what yet but he can't live on his own and I don't think it's right for him to live with me through his adult life. He needs to be his own person and I need to have some kind of life of my own again. So the move would take us really close to this college, it's in a lovely part of the country, lots of history and new places to explore, a little nearer a couple of very good friends and it just generally feels like the right thing to do (it's also near enough to here that I can still see the couple of friends here I do like but far enough away that there's no chance of bumping into people I don't!). But there is, of course, a big stumbling block, and that is the mountain of false information in our records that can just cause so many problems for us and the fact that we don't have any up to date medical reports or information because I've been too scared to go near anyone for years.
I just feel that I have behaved well in this - I've kept away from her, ignored her, done my best to get on with my life and yet I'm still so restricted by her vicious lies and we're like prisoners in an open cage - I feel so hemmed in by what she's done and so scared of what she can do and still be doing. And I think that's what kicked all of this off this time - I just want to go round there and kick her face off and instead I have to sit for hours typing and filing and hoping that I can find a lawyer that can sort this out, or just accepting that I will have to keep dealing with this. It's almost like having an illness that restricts you day to day, I feel like I'm still carrying the hideous old bint around with me and I just want to tell her to p**s off!
But I am coming out the other side now. I've cut down the caffeine and sugar, I've been forcing myself to rest. I've been reading John Bradshaw's book about healing shame - I think you might have recommended that to me one time? But I'm trying to follow the advice, reach out to people, be real, go with it. So I think we're over the hump.
Thank you so much all for being there, I will reply to everyone else later, I'm all typed out now. Thank you all so much xxx
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on March 28, 2014, 11:44:04 AM ---
--- Quote from: BonesMS on March 19, 2014, 12:51:19 PM ---((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
--- End quote ---
Bonesie, you give the best cyber hugs in the world!!!! Thank you :) (((((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))))))))
--- End quote ---
You're welcome, ((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))
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