Feeling like a wreckage of a human being

[sea storm]

I was doing well while I was in control. While I was living life simple, small, unthreatening. Language is amazing and there seems to be word for everything. Before " mental illness" there were words for feelings and they were legitimate. I am feeling sad and overwhelmed. All this changing is whipping up a storm in me and it is all silently going on in my head. I am moving from beside the river to a little house. Mostly I think that is a very good idea. But my feelings don't like it. It is the death of a dream. I know... Oh booo hooo. Poor you. You should be grateful you have a roof over your head. That is the struggle. I am applying for pension and can't stand to open a letter or deal with paperwork. This sounds pathetic and another oh boo hoo.  I didn't pay taxes while I was in the throes of my romp with the narcissist.
So I marshalled my resources and got an accountant and she quickly saw the sorry story, sold my house after having it on the market for five years ( this is a dying mill town), repaired my relationships with my sister and daughter.  All this change has triggered a big reaction. I am back in the bad place. I am reliving every trauma in my dreams. I can suppress them during the day mostly. I think I see my ex driving around town and looking younger and happier ( he died Dec 2012).  I want revenge again and I know that those resentments only poison me.  I feel poisoned. Thats it. The body does not know the difference between emotional and physical pain. The odd thought of complete hopelessness creeps in. But not like before. I couldn't get even near the gates of hope, let alone have hope.

I am not in control. I find that mindfulness helps, chanting silently, looking at nature, petting the cat, talking to my sister, going for Jin Shin Doh massage and therapy.  I don't have trouble opening up but I do have trouble is I open up. It feels so unsafe. It is the old boogy men back because I took on a lot. Oh yes, my business is lovely but not making a profit.  It is getting slowly better. Occasionally, someone really creepy enters the picture and  because it is online it attracts psychos from all over the world. Once again I am realizing that I should just cut creepy people off immediately and not deal with them but I have gotten burned a few times. I know I need to amp up business and move to the next step but I can't right now as I am wading up to my chest in oatmeal.

Maybe I am mentally ill. I don't think so. I take medication to stay even remotely functioning. Antidepressant. I think I am a recovering survivor of a narcissist.  I am one of the survivors.  I did everything possible to survive. But there is no plateau that stays firm. I need to have compassion for myself through all these changes. These are adult decisions and have required a lot of work. Its been a bit too much. I don't cry all day, I can sleep at night, I call someone or another everyday and I keep going sort of.  I sleep about 12 house a day. I will just have to ride it out

[lighter]

sea storm:

Life seems to come in waves....


the good, the bad, and the in between times.

I'm sorry you're feeling off balance, and overwhelmed.

Keep petting the cat, looking at nature, and taking care of yourself. 

This too, shall pass.
lighter

[Hopalong]

How soon do you move, Sea?
I was struck many years ago when a shrink told me, moving is the second MAJOR life stressor...it's second only to the death of someone you love. And...it doesn't matter even when you're moving for GOOD reasons (which you are). As an organism, it's just grief anyway. Because the organism has to function function function just to get through it and therefore the organism doesn't have sufficient time to Say Farewell to the Familiar. Good or bad, the old place was the familiar...and the organism hangs on for a while.

So have faith. As hard as all this is, it's also natural. Even the anger (grief ain't always sweet).

I don't think you're crazy and I DO think you're going to be okay, Sea...

love and comfort and no beating yourself up, hear?

xxoo
Hops

[Meh]

Sounds like the house you are letting go of really symbolized what you think are "big dreams" that could have come true that are now gone with the house leaving your life.

Maybe the only thing you can do is to fill your life up with people or hobbies or something.

[mudpuppy]

It is the death of a dream.

When a dream dies you have to decide whether you're going to stop dreaming or get a new dream.
Even while you're still grieving, maybe even more then, a new dream is sometimes all that keeps you going.

mud

[Meh]

  Yah Mud is right... after some time you will probably start to feel like you can dream again and there are not limits on the dreams you are allowed to have.


.... Other side comment:  Anticipating things sometimes is often a grander more fulfilling feeling than actually obtaining the goal.... 

[sea storm]

Thank you so much for your replies. Very helpful and consolling.

I find myself slowly beginning to like the new house. For one thing it has one of those barrels connected to the eaves trough and it holds about 40 gallons of rainwater to water the garden. Also, I won't have to have a renter. Boy, am I tired of that. Although it provides endless entertaining anecdotes it is not that great. Also, there are established fruit trees. Three semi dwarf. Old dreams die hard for me I guess. Traditionally, I have been ten years between mates. Feelings are a real pain in the butt. I have not learned enough fast enough to get this life right.  Maybe I am chronically depressed.  I also write poetry and they kind of go together.

I always take your advice to heart Mudpuppy.  I don't know why exactly but you seem like a supreme court judge or maybe a pyschologist.  It IS good to have something to look forward to. If you are healthy enough to do that, even on a day to day basis. I must smarten up and start doing that. Seriously, it is important to do something nice every day.

Garbanzo, you are so right about the big dream. It is hardwired and needs to change.

Hops, i move on June 12 but I got a bridge mortgage that starts on June 2 so I can slowly move into the new place and bring my plants with me. I used to just throw everything in cardboard boxes and that was that. Not so much like that anymore.

Lighter: one day at a time for sure and it will pass. I am so grateful to feel calm and content sometimes. I didn't feel content for YEARs after my Narcissist Opera Tragedy. I know I am not doing to well when I think I see his truck driving down the road or parked at the grocery store. Then one of those waves hits and I have to make my way out of it.  I am sorry for all who have this difficulty. It is no picnic.

I am hatching a new dream............ My Japanese antiques are very comforting. Selling them is exciting but just having them around is lovely. If someone asked me what my safe place was I would imagine a room with wonderful old things. My new dream is to be more kind. In the Buddhist sense. Also to read my work at this thing called
Words on Fire..... this is where people get up and read their stories or poems. I think I will combine it with painting like the Japanese do.

So I am not a wreckage anymore. More like having one of those tires that often needs air.

Thanks again.

Sea storm

[Meh]