Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Malingering?

<< < (2/3) > >>

Dr. Richard Grossman:
Hi Ales2,

Obviously, not knowing you or your therapist well enough I can’t comment on your specific situation.  But I can say this:  IMO, the most important, and ultimately life changing part of long term therapy (for non-personality disordered people) is the relationship.  It is not about insight, although insight often results from the relationship, and it is certainly not about “advice” or judgment.  The relationship literally changes/re-wires the brain—therefore, who the therapist is as a human being matters greatly.  From this perspective, no two therapists are alike. So, if the relationship does not work, IMO, it is always time to move on.  Sadly, in my life, all my experiences with therapists from the patient/client side of the room were poor or destructive (one of my reasons for creating this web site years ago).  A good therapist is very hard to find, particularly if you don’t know what to look for.  I can also say that for some people, I was not the right therapist/match, given the nature of the two people in the room.

I hope this helps.

Richard

Ales2:
Hello Dr. G,

It does help, very much, thank you. I agree - the re-wiring the brain and the necessity of trust in the therapeutic relationship, are both crucial. Thanks for your response and insight.

Have a wonderful week,
Ales2

Hopalong:
Hi Ales,
I don't know the answer for you, but it sparked a memory.

Most of the time, when I have been in a therapeutic relationship,
it has been warm, connected, and I felt liked. Lifted and helped.

But a couple of times, in my late twenties, when I was both a bit manic
and I believe, pretty narcissistic without knowing it...I recognized that a
therapist didn't like me. Took a while to understand that there was something
more complicated going on.

The best clarity I have now, about 40 years on, was that in some way,
in some encounters with a therapist...I think they sensed I was running my
own agenda, in a way. I was in a power struggle. I didn't want to be humble
or helpless and something dark in me wanted a therapist to justify and respect
me. And a couple didn't. I don't know how to explain it, but there were a couple of
therapists I didn't like and didn't recognize that this was mutual. Instead, it had to
be that I was "right" and they were "failing." So instead of seeking a better
match, I kept at it....seeking something that I felt they wouldn't give...and I
pushed and pushed, and got resistance or recoil from them.

This is so totally vague, sorry. I remember, so vaguely, feeling anger toward
one or two. And indignant. And offended. And ... loathsome term: entitled.
There was something I was demanding that they just would not give. I think
if they didn't understand me and give me what I needed...I felt contempt.
And that is a hugely N-istic feeling (that I now recognize as a spiritual enemy,
perhaps the biggest.)

I still don't quite understand what it was. But I know at that time I owned part of it,
and was contributing at that time, something toxic to the dialogue that I now
believe came from my unconscious training from my N-mother. That an N-istic
self-absorption in therapy was different from seeking healing or truth...and
that then, I was just cycling obsessively through a me-me-me-me thing
that was even overwhelming to a T.

I know now that I am not "an N." However, I also know that at times during
my life, I reverted to N-istic behaviors, as I struggled to get through the world.
As a woman, a writer...I was so angry at not being equal. And it wasn't a big
stretch for that anger to manifest in an Nistic self-absorption, an undercurrent.

I think it's really hard when you're furious about sexism and were raised by
an Nmother.... not to be vulnerable to some of HER entitlement and self-absorption.

So that's why I think a couple of therapists, years ago, grew fatigued with me.
And I don't blame them. I got sick of myself too.

Hops

Ales2:
Thanks Hops, your description is very helpful and I identify with much of what you are saying. My T just kind of sat there listening, seemed never to help me get past stuff, and never validated how I was feeling either. Ever felt victimized and had to tell several people before someone acknowledged you were wronged? Thats kind of what it felt like, like he didnt believe me and I told him so. It didnt seem to help. The part for me that is difficult with that was that I was not angry, I was very obviously hurt and weakened by what happened, I didnt feel entitled, but got the feeling he thought I WAS entitled to something.

Your comments really resonated with me, thank you. I get your point that the T and you were not a match at that time. It makes sense.

sea storm:
It is very difficult for a therapist to give uncondiitional positive regard to their client. it is a huge challenge at times. That is one the the hallmarks of a good therapist. They can hold the ground that is safe for you and not go into attack mode. Their may be times when it is hard not to confront a client on self destructive behaviour but I just can't see how labelling a client passive aggressive is a good idea. Who wants to be passive aggressive? Nobody.
I know this from being in both roles. If i am disturbed by a client or triggered by their issue then it is my problem and not the client's. If I feel judgemental, then it is not helpful. It is also a misuse of my position of authority in the relationship.

When you are trying as hard as you can to get a job and it sounds like you are you don't need someone pecking away at your self esteem when it already probably very low because of all the rejection that comes with job search. Also therapy is expensive, and maybe taking more training would be a boost to your self esteem. In Canada there are quite a few programs that are paid by the government or you can get a loan which includes living allowance.  You probably know all that anyway.

Malingering........ that is an interesting word...... It involves deception and manipulation that is probably at an unconscious level.  You are getting your rent paid and probably more but the price is mighty high.  It lets the person paying have a lot of control, even subliminally.

My therapist is a body mind therapist who does Jin Shin Doh.  This sounds very Eastern and exotic but it operates on sound principals. It has been helpful. One thing she said that I try to remember is that I am loving and loveable and if I don't feel loved and valued then that is just a LIE.   Go where you feel that. It is too hard and complicated to try to change other's opinions.

Good therapists are very hard to find.  They often teach you to listen to your own voice rather than theirs.

Lots of love,
Sea storm

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page