The paperwork is finished.
I have drafted emails to two different law firms re medical negligence and discrimination issues. I have been in touch with a domestic abuse group who have advised me that my mum's behaviour comes under the category of domestic abuse and they've asked me to ring them. I have drafted emails to two other organisations, one that deals with the abuse of children (I would like to find out whether my what my mum has done constitutes abuse of my son and see if that gives me any more leeway to stop her) and one that deals with disability hate crime (again, to see if it falls under this category and if they can do something to stop her). I have an appointment with a counsellor at a rape and sexual abuse centre next week, for an initial assessment.
I am going to send the emails later on today and contact the domestic abuse people after the holiday.
I am scared beyond any words, I think. I am aware that once I've sent those emails, I start a chain of events that I have very little control over. I am aware that the very agencies that should have protected myself and my son have actually helped my mum to abuse us both and that getting them to rectify that will not be an easy task. I am aware that there is a lot of corruption and malpractice within the public sector and that I am, essentially, alone in this fight. My mum has money, a husband, an unflinching belief that she is right and an entire family around her who are convinced I'm mentally deranged and that I abuse my son. I am one little Tup, just me, my boy, a room full of paperwork and a mad cat
It may go well. I might be writing amazing things on here over the next few months. It may go terribly badly. I might be accused of all sorts of things again. I might be called a liar. I might be forced to undergo assessments I don't want to have. If they decide I'm lying it could be me facing child protection action, not her. It may be that after all this absolutely nothing happens and I just end up burning all this paper in the garden at the end of the summer. What if, what if, what if.
But, I feel I'm at a crossroads. I can carry on under her shadow, living her lie and apologising for my existence. Or I can throw everything I've got at her and give it my best shot. No prizes for guessing which option I'm going for
I met up with my sister last week. We talked a little. It was okay. There were things that flashed for me. There were things that were difficult for her. It was clear that she is in that (blissful?) state where she doesn't actually realise yet how badly she's been treated and how much damage my mum has caused. There were a couple of things we need to talk about more. There will need to be some sitting round the table and comparing notes at some point.
This could be bad for her. If the authorities take my concerns seriously, they will want to interview her children. We live in a small area where people gossip. If/when this gets out things could get nasty. I feel I can cope (because I've had to before). She might be about to start her make you or break you years.
But I have had to accept that I cannot control everyone or everything. It's not for me to decide how other people live and what they experience. So later on today I will be pressing send and then we'll see what happens.
Thank you so much, everyone, for being there and all of your help and support over the years. It has meant so much to me and has got me through some deep, dark places. I am sure I will need more of that in the future.
Wish me luck! I'm going in!!!!!
Tup xx
