article of interest

[Ales2]

Interesting article, and I agree to some extent, but I believe more in what Dr. G says, that we keep choosing toxic people until we heal.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-salmansohn/if-you-have-or-had-a-toxi_b_5275934.html?utm_hp_ref=gps-for-the-soul&ir=GPS%20for%20the%20Soul

And, some of us are not choosing these people, we are stuck with them because they are family/relatives we cannot avoid, or they are spouses we chose before we knew better.

"When you know better, you do better"  - Maya Angelou

well, maybe.....

[Hopalong]

Fantastic article for me, Ales...thank you.

I realize that unless it's urgent and overflowing,
that it's better for me not to focus my OFF-work
hours in misery over my Nboss. (Or even my D.)

Stuck with Nboss for now, but I have other people
and other interests that do nourish me, outside
of work. Time for that re-focus on my own well-
being and my own joys.

Really appreciated this.
Thanks again,
Hops

[Cadbury]

I agree.

The downside for me is that after realising my own choices that led to a succession of N's and psychopaths and generally toxic people, I am now genuinely phobic regarding relationships. I panic if a man shows interest, I am terrified that someone might express interest in me and despite being generally out going and fun to be with (apparently), I avoid situations that might result in a relationship.

Excellent article thank you.

[Ales2]

Thanks Cadbury and Hops - Glad it was helpful.

I can totally relate to what you said Hops about the NBoss and finding other outlets for nurturing.

Cadbury, I too am still going through a tough time with people, relationships. I am very weary about meeting new people, completely disinterested and its a very real block socially and in my career as well.

My thought is the tyranny of personal responsibility, if we alone are responsible for what we attract and how we react, I am doomed because I don't attract good people nor do I respond well, so it feels completely hopeless for me.

[Hopalong]

I'm struggling with that too.
Recently had a 2nd date with a very nice man, no N red flags so far...
and though I know a relationship is what I want long term...I had
to fight like hell to make myself get ready and go.

Once I did, it was very pleasant and fine.

But sheesh, the avoidance!

Hops

[Ales2]

Hops - I meant to say nourishing, not nurturing, but similar enough, I think you know what I meant.

Yes, I too went on a date recently (last weekend actually) and he has not called or txted me after I txted him on Mothers Day to thank him for dinner and a great time. He is the older brother of an elementary school friend. Turned out to be a very handsome pilot, very much out of my league. Don't know why he likes me or wanted to meet me. Ive heard horror stories about old friends from school who look up people for the purpose of embarassing or humiliating them and I have to wonder why he picked me.  I don't know what I did or said, except that he saw through me, like I think all people do and so I never expect to hear anything back. I expect to be ignored and that is always what happens. Trying to make myself think someone would be interested in me feels like a lie and I cant do it, no matter how hard I try.

[Cadbury]

It's strange how we all feel so similarly. I sometimes think that my own weariness comes from feeling that I might behave in ways that are strange to others (like my huge anxiety around shouting, or any threat of violence). I feel a sort of pressure that I want to explain to people what has made me this way. As for personal relationships, I have a huge problem with being very attracted to bad boys, but at the same time having a phobia of meeting another one. Then if I do meet someone nice, I dread the conversation of previous relationships... "Why yes, my son 's father was a narcissist with psychopathic tendencies, he was so controlling that I behaved in an entirely alien way, he also destroyed every ounce of my self respect... I then dated a lovely man who was so much nicer than the N that I totally forgave him hospitalising me... 4 times! Then my luck changed.... I met someone who wasn't violent... Just a compulsive liar! I have some trust issues..." Yet, if I don't tell them, how do I explain blowing hot and cold as I alternate wanting to be close with a genuine phobic reaction to being closer?!

I also find t incredibly difficult to have meaningful relationships with people who don't understand how bad it has been. I don't need sympathy, but I do need understanding. I've walked away from any "friends" who told me they would have "just walked away" as if it was so easy!

I forgot how nice it was here I hate that we've all been through so much, but I love that you all understand.