Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
Today my first hurdle is the fear f the kick in the stomach feeling. I'm sure I can overcome that fear.
I JUST figured out that I don't get that feeling when I am with other people, friendly people that is. But I get it when I am all alone. It I sit doing nothing I don't get it. If I start to handle a task I do. And it is horrific.
Hopalong:
I really understand that, GS--
I actually had a "barter" with a SW friend of mine who felt disabled by personal paperwork
(and all it triggers). So we swapped time.
She'd just come over with a book and hang out in my LR while I wrestled through things
in the study. It made a huge difference. I think having a mate or life partner would be a
similar thing...just another human, breathing away, reminds one to not float off into an
old universe of scary fear (that we actually experienced as children).
Since she can't do that all the time, and since my own goal is to do better at progressing
with the scary paperwork tasks of adulthood on my own, I've worked at it with:
--My T (he tells me, weekly, in simple comments--how to reduce the AWFULNESS of
looking at pieces of paper, or making simple lists. He reminds me to just go sit in there
whether I do anything forward-moving or not. He's helping me learn to take small steps
to desensitize myself from all the frightened associations I've built up with doing these
ordinary adult-life tasks). He's also pointed out to me that one actor in this drama is
not just my hurt inner child, but my "defiant child." And that's true. If there's nobody
MAKING me--after all, I'm alone in my house--I can refuse to engage my adult self,
retreat online, or into TV or books. And lord, I do.
--Newly, with hypnosis. I'm listening to a Procrastination session I found free online.
It's helping. Doesn't work well as I go to sleep so I'm going to move it to a few
mornings a week when I'm off. Here's the link if you'd like to give it a try.
From my past experience, I can say that this guy is reliable, doing it right, and
following correct practices for the script and the suggestions.
http://www.thrivehypnotherapy.com/free-hypnosis-to-stop-procrastination
Hope some of that is useful,
Hops
Ales2:
Thank you Hops for that helpful link - I will be listening to it in a few more minutes. I have to repeat mantras in my head just to stay clear of the negativity that I get from the NMom. So want to be done with her!
Gaining Strength:
Hops, I wondered today if having another person around helps because my parents would never do the humiliating belittling in front of witnesses. I wish I knew.
Gaining Strength:
Bit by bit I am growing stronger. I am stronger today than I was last week and much stronger than when I reemergence here a couple of months ago. As I grow stronger I find that deep hurts and losses bubble up for me to deal with.
I was in a small prayer group that met esiposically, something with more feequency than others. I was in this group for over 10 years. Last year after my mothers death and the full on attack by my brothers for months I found it difficult to respond to emails. This group communicates about gathering via emails. Rather than reach out to me by an individual email or a phone call somewhere along the way I was imply dropped. I cannot tell you how much this hurts. It is this loss and utter rejection that has bubble up this morning. I am certain that if I contacted them hey would let me back in but the problem is that if I addressed what happened they would be defensive and I cannot rejoin without raising the issue of being dropped nor can I accept a justification for dropping me without even contacting me. So I will sadly and painfully just move on. I can't say it doesn't hurt.
I am dealing with lots of loss and rejection these days, years of it are flooding my memory. But I am growing stronger and stronger. For the life of me I can't yet get a vision of what "belonging" will be. It certainly won't be what it was before the doors started closing in 1988 but it will be totally different. There are several things that I can envision and I am looking forward to those. I am ready to move forward..
I do wish I could start with a clean slate, with my house and yard in order rather than having to dig out but I will move forward regardless. That digging out is the most difficult. But I will do it.
This morningi head out to get my laundry done. My washer is broken for now. I plan on getting my AC fixed. I have some money available to me to do a few things but I have to apply for it and justify my self to a banking committee for every expense. It is stunningly patronizing, especially after a life of N parents. Plus even if the control of he committee were not in place there is not a boundless amount and I need to make it last for a long time which brings up the whole issue of work.
Ihave a fantastic concept which has low startup costs . When I can count on myself as functioning I can delve in wholeheartedly.
I am definitely on my way. Today I am also tackling several financial issues. I am able to because the levels of shame are dropping to a manageable level for the first time in my life. Could this be permanent? Stronger bit by bit.
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