Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
Hard to get a grip on this. It has been poking its head up and ducking bak in, almost ready to surface.
Replacing the shame with love and encouragement and right action is painful. The first step dealing with shame was easier than I expected but there is a rubber and effect that is keeping me stuck. What keeps snapping it all back? There were punitive steps taken if I did something well or someone came to my support. I am sure though this is still somewhat vague.
The control is certain. Here is a simple story : my brothers and I were in our twenties. Two of us were married. It was Christmas time and we went skiing out west as a family. My father would not allow us to own skis even though we had skiied for over 15 years (twice a year at this time) . But here we were, adults, and he took us to the rental shop, lined us up like children and instructed the guy in the shop as to what length skis we would have. The guy working there was younger than we. It must have looked bizarre. It felt very demeaning at the time. What could my brothers have experienced then? I have no idea. My father was determined to control everything and what he did not control he would have no interest in discussing or helping.
I was not allowed to ask for anything that I wanted. "If you ask, you will not receive it." I needed help as a young adult with some financial knowledge. He refused to discuss it with me. Once I was out of his house I was on my own. Though he had never taught me anything about being on my own. It was total domination or complete avoidance. All or nothing.
How does this relate to the other? I'm not sure. But I know when I struggled or when I flourished ey did not care. They would not be bothered. Once in my 20s I worked on Capital Hill for the Science and Technology Comm. I had the opportunity to go to a space shuttle landing. I sent everyone in. My family special mailings from the site. They had no interest and yet when I was home they would brag about what their friends children were doing. They had no interest in my achievements nor my needs. It is still incomprehensible. And furthermore at no time I either of my parents' lives would they discuss any decision or action they took as parents, no explanation, no justification and certainly no apologies - ever.
I feel such pain from it all but hat is really neither here no there. I can mourn that's in. I want to get to that place where I am trapped by his shaming for correcting mistakes. That is where I am stuck and shaming for normal life like a cat poop problem .
My rational self grasps that neither of my parents were able to love, on any level. I get all of that. And I am ready to move on. Working on it.
Hopalong:
Sheesh.
What empty chests your parents had.
I'm really sorry, GS...
What might you have done with just a little encouragement!
It's admirable that you're fighting this good fight for yourself now,
so that the rest of your life won't be like the first half.
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Gaining Strength on July 21, 2014, 08:06:57 PM ---Hard to get a grip on this. It has been poking its head up and ducking bak in, almost ready to surface.
Replacing the shame with love and encouragement and right action is painful. The first step dealing with shame was easier than I expected but there is a rubber and effect that is keeping me stuck. What keeps snapping it all back? There were punitive steps taken if I did something well or someone came to my support. I am sure though this is still somewhat vague.
The control is certain. Here is a simple story : my brothers and I were in our twenties. Two of us were married. It was Christmas time and we went skiing out west as a family. My father would not allow us to own skis even though we had skiied for over 15 years (twice a year at this time) . But here we were, adults, and he took us to the rental shop, lined us up like children and instructed the guy in the shop as to what length skis we would have. The guy working there was younger than we. It must have looked bizarre. It felt very demeaning at the time. What could my brothers have experienced then? I have no idea. My father was determined to control everything and what he did not control he would have no interest in discussing or helping.
I was not allowed to ask for anything that I wanted. "If you ask, you will not receive it." I needed help as a young adult with some financial knowledge. He refused to discuss it with me. Once I was out of his house I was on my own. Though he had never taught me anything about being on my own. It was total domination or complete avoidance. All or nothing.
How does this relate to the other? I'm not sure. But I know when I struggled or when I flourished ey did not care. They would not be bothered. Once in my 20s I worked on Capital Hill for the Science and Technology Comm. I had the opportunity to go to a space shuttle landing. I sent everyone in. My family special mailings from the site. They had no interest and yet when I was home they would brag about what their friends children were doing. They had no interest in my achievements nor my needs. It is still incomprehensible. And furthermore at no time I either of my parents' lives would they discuss any decision or action they took as parents, no explanation, no justification and certainly no apologies - ever.
I feel such pain from it all but hat is really neither here no there. I can mourn that's in. I want to get to that place where I am trapped by his shaming for correcting mistakes. That is where I am stuck and shaming for normal life like a cat poop problem .
My rational self grasps that neither of my parents were able to love, on any level. I get all of that. And I am ready to move on. Working on it.
--- End quote ---
I have found for years now that, even though my brain understands the intellectual side of things and I can see what was wrong and how to put it right, something at a much deeper level keeps doing what it always did. I often said to my therapist that I knew what to do in my head but I didn't feel it in my heart. I suspect it's a bit like those stories about amputees who can still feel their missing limbs; it's just so much a part of you.
I have no magic wand or miracle answer, I'm afraid. All I can say is that I've kept at it, made more mistakes, had my heart broken again, taken one step forward and three back - but slowly, slowly, slowly things are lifting and moving and shifting in the right direction. I have got better at trusting in the process and accepting there are times when it just bloody hurts and there's nothing to do but sit with it, but those times are very tough and I still find them very difficult. Keep at it though, G, I do think it's all worth it xx
Gaining Strength:
Woke up this morning with a renews strength ready for battle. It is a battle to shine a light on the dark places where the internalized hatred which really comes from them, has taken root. Actually I am battling my fear of that hated. But I am quite sure on this morning that I can overcome it. I am feeling strength today.
Gaining Strength:
Hops, thanks for the continued support and encouragement. Each day has a strength now. Some feel as though I am starting over but I don't believe that is true.
Twoapenny's, I love the way you put it. I am sure we a re moving forward and leaving the old behind. I feel very strong this morning but do not want to ,move forward lest I encounter a trigger, even a tiny one but I'm going to shift that from a fear of a trigger into a dare for a trigger and hold onto confidence that I can overcome at least once today.
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