Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Still need to work through early trauma

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Gaining Strength:
Thanks Ann. No question I carry this all internalized. But I a milling to let go.

An image (not very original) came to me yesterday. It is complete darkness with a pen prick of light.  I am learning to focus on that light. I was specifically trained by my father to focus on the large presence of darkness.  Perhaps I part because of his OCD, he obsessed on what could and would go wrong and why I would fail - not to mention that he would deny me the necessary resources while requiring me to do something.  It is all so crazy.

But I am learning to focus on that tiny bit of light. And bit by bit the light will appear larger and the darkness will retreat.

I am ever thankful for the dialogue.

Hopalong:
Thank you, (((((((GS))))))))).

That was just an extraordinary, moving dream about your mother.

I love the interpretation theory that we ourselves are every single element
in our dreams. The way I was taught it was to ask myself:
What part of me is the house?
What part of me is the mother?
Etc.

Dream theories are a dime a dozen. But I was very moved to read
such imagery of grace and release. Felt thrilled for you that this happened
in your psyche.

So MUCH is happening there.

Hope the task of the day came unclogged. I worked on a few of mine
today and the smallest thing (getting documents to bank, making a car
appt., following up on another paperworky thing I usually have phobia
about)...all went well.

I'll fill you in on my old thread about my D.

love
Hops

Gaining Strength:
Hops I appreciate the reminder about dream interpretation. I used to think about dreams that way and found it very fascinating.  So glad you were able to get those paper things done.  I was able to get  mine done as well and though I haven't heard from the trust officer yet I have figured out a back door way in.  I am feeling more clever than afraid.  It is such a major triumph.  Though I had a hard time getting out of the starting block today I was not once beset by shame/anxiety.  It was a new day for me. Mid I can string together a number of days like today I will think myself functional. I'm not celebrating that yet but celebrating my small victories very much.

Hopalong:
Absolutely.
No such thing as a small victory!

I deeply understand the joy and wobbly hope and nearly...wonder...that folks with organizational or exec function issues feel about accomplishing life-care tasks.

YAY!

Hops

Gaining Strength:
Feeling down today. I am beginning to see a rhythm in this process.  It is up and down.  I am presented with difficulty and I process it and things feel victorious, I am  through a level of yuck.  And then the process starts anew.  That's all OK.  If I use take it for what it is.  I would love a period of waking up, feeling good and having energy to persevere.  That will come but for now I have work to do and I am thankful that I know what to do and can do it.

I have lived decades of rejection and depression.  The healing won't be instantaneous but it will come.  I'm going to rest a bit today before I get to work.

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