Still need to work through early trauma

[Gaining Strength]

Today seems more difficult than usual.  This may be part of the healing pattern where the pain gets worse as I get deeper into it.

While at the store midday, it was as if they were standing right there telling me that I had gotten it wrong before and would get it wrong this time too.  It was so loud and so oppressive.  A window on that little child within me, deeply repressed, as yet unsealed, still calling the shots.  Being in touch with her, I can talk to her and steer her away from their destructive condemnation.

On my way home, I felt the grip, as though I was being restrained forcefully.  I felt both rage and impotence.  Hundreds of memories with the same feelings flashed before me and I saw with my adult eyes as I felt with my child's heart the power of my fathers OCPD decrying every effort to accomplish simple chores. 

But the biggest vision I had was how my minds radar searches for what it knows - affirmation that I don't deserve, that I mess things up, that I am a hopeless failure.  I saw it plain as day. 

But I can overcome this.  Al the pieces I need are here for me. There are deeper levels of pain but the understanding and tools are already available.  The work seems infinite because the layers seem to go deeper without end.  Every time I have significant healing the next layer emerges and I start all over again.  But I have to believe there will be a measurable significant shift to free me.

I must keep working and not give up.

[Gaining Strength]

For the first time in memory, I woke up connected to a feeling of love and not in dreams of shame and rejection.  And moreover, it is easier to hold onto it, not as much of a battle, a struggle.  The last scene of my dream was in a bathroom, all alone.  For decades, I had dreams in bathrooms where I was not able to shut the door, was exposed, shamed.

This feels like a movement, a small but significant bit of progress.  This is encouraging, something to build on.

[Gaining Strength]

Continuing to learn that I can shift my thinking to override the darkness. 

Some avoidance is fear of the darkness and my inability to override.  Keep working.  I am on the right path.

[Gaining Strength]

I'm feeling more hopeful than ever.  Why am I writing so much? Because it helps me solidify things in my mind and hold it hard and fast. 

Today is like one of those bopping clowns: the old feelings with the knotted stomach come up, I shift my thoughts, talk them down , they subside , I look to something else and they hit me hard again. And the process stars over,

It is a battle but I am stronger in my understanding that I am on the right path.

Here are some recent achievements (in the past year.) anxiety is not permanently present, shame does not grip me every moment, I am far more tolerant,  able to let things go, less reactive. 

This is just a partial list and it is after years of working towards these changes.  That is no small shift.  But there is more to come.  I amso have gained an enormous amount of insight into what is causing the dysfunction.  That alone is huge.  Now while it is at work I can acknowledge it.  That very attribute has led to shifts and healing every single time in the past. I'll rest on that.

[moonlight60]

GS....

I am overjoyed ...so happy for you !!!

Love

Moonlight

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Moonlight.

I went to my EMDR appointment yesterday afternoon.  The building was locked and barred. I called the man, he never received my confirmation email.  I'm in his book for Mon., the 7th. Trusting the delay will work in my favor.  Not sure how, but trusting.

Making incremental progress.  I am developing confidence that I can  keep myself out of the abyss while sitting still, alone, (not doing avoiding behaviour.) today, I'm going to ramp it up and focus on this while I do chores.  I'm beginning to get clarity on the unconscious voices causing such agony while I try to  clear the forest. 

Yesterday I heard," you can't do it. You ruined it last time."

So many memories of mother, father, brothers who, rather than stepping up to help, would sit in judgement of even simple tasks.  It was pervasive. 

I am now aware of these voices.  Let's see if I can override them.

[Gaining Strength]

Over 25 years ago I became aware that there was a voice inside that was telling me I couldn't do it.  I knew that happened with athletic pursuits.

Now I see that it applies to everything: to chores, to friendships, to dreams, to interactions with authority.

So now I will call on my inner voices to overshadow them.

[moonlight60]

GS...

 I so understand the fear of  trying... I had one parent that was difficult one very loving... neither were cheerleaders .

So I learned the skill of caring and loving others ...just no confidence in self.

I did find it within myself to love doing my artwork...something inside that would not be still.

For the most part I did not have a voice saying you can not do this or that ... just no encouragement ...which would have been so helpful.

Now I am my own best friend ...most of the time....but I still falter at times ...I  am better so much better.

I am wishing you great results from your EMDR ...

All Love and Light
Moonlight

[Gaining Strength]

How blessed I am by you Moonlight.  I love hearing from you.

[Gaining Strength]

Very positive, "I can do it" dreams last night.

So many different scenes.  In a house from my first years.  Met the family.  I was trying to get my feet grounded, then I realized they had added on an entire second floor.

I was looking for a sweater in the back of my car.  A priest was with me.  I was expecting to car or be a huge mess and then I realized that I had cleaned up and the box of things I was looking through was a demonstration of being resourceful not slovenly.  I found just the right sweater.

I woke up and found the refrain, " Yes, I can" going through me mind.

I was vacuuming a hillside. (Don't ask, it was a dream.) at first the vacuum didn't work.  Then, in my dream, I reminded myself to apply positive energy and I found I could clean the nozzle and it worked perfectly.

Last night another mother called to ask my child and me to meet them for dinner (yea!) afterward the boys wanted to go window shopping at Target and we were talking when the subject of changing our thoughts came up.  She is on the same pursuit. 

I'm feeling  coincidentally and support coming from different places.  Progress is happening.

[Gaining Strength]

God day.  Able to face the music and tackle some difficult stuff - even while staying out of the pain and paralysis and avoidance.  The voices from childhood bombarded me but I was able to face them and talk to them. 

Building on this.

[Hopalong]

Wow.
SO awed.

I hope you are feeling genuine pride, GS...
it is apt and you ARE allowed to glow with accomplishment!

Yes
you
ARE

You go, girl.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thanks Moonlight.

I went to my EMDR appointment yesterday afternoon.  The building was locked and barred. I called the man, he never received my confirmation email.  I'm in his book for Mon., the 7th. Trusting the delay will work in my favor.  Not sure how, but trusting.

Making incremental progress.  I am developing confidence that I can  keep myself out of the abyss while sitting still, alone, (not doing avoiding behaviour.) today, I'm going to ramp it up and focus on this while I do chores.  I'm beginning to get clarity on the unconscious voices causing such agony while I try to  clear the forest. 

Yesterday I heard," you can't do it. You ruined it last time."

So many memories of mother, father, brothers who, rather than stepping up to help, would sit in judgement of even simple tasks.  It was pervasive. 

I am now aware of these voices.  Let's see if I can override them.

Hi GS,

I've not been getting on the board that often so I'm reading your thread in fits and starts.  I'm amazed at how well you're doing and how hard you're working at all of this.  It is so, so tough - and you're doing amazing.  I hope your EMDR session goes well for you.

You can do it.  You are doing it.  You're amazing to me.  Lots of love xx

[Gaining Strength]

I am so thankful for your encouragement  Hops and Twopenny.

[Gaining Strength]

Yesterday came with so many insights.  I wish I had written them down because they seem somewhat elusive now.  When they renter my brain I'll  grab them.

Last night and today are huge battles.  That is the way it has been with me as I make progress.  It is not an easing into healing but a tumultuous battle, up and down.