Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
Getting in touch with still repressed resentment which may be related to sense of still repressed unworthiness.
Issues of father are emerging - his demanding, irrational, OCPD driven requirements. Boosted by my mother's complicity driven by her relief that I was on the receiving end and not her. All this happened repeatedly as I watched others, brothers, friends, etc, skip through life being celebrated for the very things that brought me condemnation and punishment. Now to unearth and reverse the mindset established by the years of this.
Unearth and let go of resentment.
Unearth and regenerate vision of beauty and ability and he.
Gaining Strength:
Reminders from the outside are pointing to what I must address.
My feelings of inadequacy are doubled down by the sense of cringing, the need to crawl away and hide in a cabinet. Memory from humiliation as a child? Anger and agony cry out.
This is the underneath feelings that send me into avoidance.
The other day, I saw the importance of the shift from "paralysis" to "avoidance". The latter gives me power over it. The former doesn't.
I am so alone. That loneliness goes back to the earliest days.
Another message that comes up is mindfulness. Time to turn to mindfully be aware of what is happening with in me. I understand the avoidance. The pain is so great.
Hopalong:
This is very powerful to me, GS...
--- Quote --- I saw the importance of the shift from "paralysis" to "avoidance". The latter gives me power over it. The former doesn't.
--- End quote ---
Thank you for sharing this.
I'm drawing strength from your insights, for the same issues.
Thank you again! I'm cheering you on....
Hops
Gaining Strength:
Thank you Hops.
Gaining Strength:
Early trauma - hitting me hard. The voices are getting louder . Perhaps presenting themselves for healing. I have been stumbling across so much about healing that all suggests I'm on the right path. I'm ready and I'm aware of how the old is so loud and present.
Rejection, not worthy, get what you deserve, worthless,
Saw my therapist Thursday. Such a comfort.
Doubling down on visualization. Really want to replace avoidance.
With T discussed how avoidance developed: in FOO, my presence brought on the attacks. Any action or activity brought on an onslaught of criticism and belittlement. It is so powerful still, coursing my being and my mind without ceasing. If I focus, I can hear the words but worse and more lethal than the words was what was not said or said behind my back. It was the attitude of contempt help by the two people who gave birth to me. It was an omnipresent attitude which could not be shaken no matter how hard I tried to achieve. If I erred along the way, that was highlighted and denounced and brought up OCR and again. If I succeeded later on the first failure was resurrected. If I succeeded or achieved something there was more denunciation. It was well into adulthood before I even realized it. Sometimes when I had wonderful experiences, the sort that most parents brag about, my experiences were met with deafening silence.
But on Monday I begin EMDR, and I pray this will bring relief to the dark, pain and omnipresent feeling of being unworthy and undeserving and expectation and reality of being rejected.
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