Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
Time to create structure. Have faith in healing. Focus on what is working. Grow focus. Write new life.
Gaining Strength:
Now that I have a micro separation between shame and me I am beginning to be able to name the shaming trigger and create some distance without being paralyzed by the trigger.
One big trigger is the sense of being incapable of completing something or being successful.
Another big trigger is rejection. Ironically being invited to something feels like a set up to being rejected.
Resistance is a third trigger. For example when dealing with sales or customer service or service people who push back or people I have hired to do work, like the lawyer, who push, push, push. I feel hopeless, helpless and want to crawl into a hole.
EMDR has me create a safe place. I hope it will help.
Gaining Strength:
I just had a weird lightbulb moment - a friend posted a video about her neighbor's extraordinary Halloween decoration. Immediately I saw how my parents would both praise other people and prevent me from doing things that they praised in others. I created a drive for perfectionism, longing to do anything to be good enough to garner the praise, but feeling intense shame because of the sense of utter inadequacy. It also fuelled resentment.
The resentment kept me angry but protected me from the debilitating shame. When I cut through the resentment in the past years I was experiencing the shame full force. It has been rough. Very, very painful.
Learning to be present to the shame. Very painful. But I know there is another side to this tunnel. I will get there. Sooner rather than later.
Hopalong:
Yes, yes. You will get through.
Thank you for mentioning the brilliantly simple thing:
A short list. For A day (not 'every day perfectly forever...').
This what I need too.
All we have is the day we're in.
A short list would help that day.
Thank you!
hugs
Hops
Gaining Strength:
Today I dealt with several shaming things and was able to hold my focus on an image of receiving love. It was gently soothing. Bit by bit I am sensing that progress is being made. It is bit by bit easier to hold myself in a place outside of shame. If I can build on this I can cut myself free.
I am sitting down now but not for long. I have work to do.
A whole movie scene played out when I was bopping in and out of bits of shame. In that scene my mother appeared and then my father. My father was angry that I was receiving love, the sender of love put him to sleep, and I remembered that my father often fell asleep at odd times beginning when he first began to clearly decompose.
I'm holding on to the focus on receiving love and how protective it is.
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