Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Still need to work through early trauma

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Hopalong:
Dear GS,
I know it hurts to live in the old pain.

I hope you will just push STOP sometimes, and do something
just plain loving for/to yourself...

If you simply rub your own arms with the deeply loving, comforting, compassionate
accepting touch (that you might wish you had had from them) -- just stop for
5 minutes to actually offer yourself that loving touch, while saying/thinking
greatly loving things for your inner self who is doing SUCH a good job of
this hard work...

How does it feel?

Five minutes is a long time to feel Real Love.

Love to you,
Hops

Gaining Strength:
I love that Hops.  Actually I was given two exercises to help and one is exactly a self hugs. Somehow it connects the two hemispheres of our brains.

I hate being in the pain but actually it is the way out - being present and creating space between my being and the feelings taken on in childhood which are never not present, at best repressed. So feeling the pain and being mindful of it is actually a way to move beyond.  Sound illogical but I am so thankful to be in this place.  The finally understand it all and have compassion for myself is an achievement in its own but not enough.

I'm expecting to see significant progress by the end of November.  We'll see.

Gaining Strength:

--- Quote ---No one had empathy for them, showed them warmth, or invited closeness. No one cared about what they thought, felt, did, wanted, or dreamed of. Such trauma victims learned early in life that no matter how hurt, alienated, or terrified they were, turning to a parent would actually exacerbate their experience of rejection.
--- End quote ---

I love to read others words that reflect what I experienced. It has seemed impossible to convey for so long but here is another human writing about my very own horror.  It is both painful and cathartic.

Gaining Strength:
This book may be the most important thing I have come across - giving me hope and help.  I have so many question but of course the author practises in CA. If only.  But still I am learning, practising staying out of  the trigger place.  He calls them flashbacks, I still like trigger because it feels like a trigger more than flashback even though he articulates that specific memories are often elusive. 

There is a balance for me in avoiding triggers and working through the triggers.  But if I can both expose the origins and work through softer triggers first then my muscle will grow.

Gaining Strength:
Today I am talking back to my father, telling him that I will no longer take his abuse, that it is destructive to me and destructive to himself and that I font deserve it.  I would do anything in this world to help him but receiving the abuse is not helpful but destructive.

I have already facd several activities this morning and this internal conversation is helping tremendously, keeping me out of that trigger state.  This ism real progress.  Now the trick is to help it last or find replacements when it no longer is effective.  I choose to believe that this will happen.

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