Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
Now I recognize that part of the shutdown, retreat is to avoid the triggers. If this strategy works then I can face the triggers and cut right through them. This will happen. The more I cut through the more my brain will be retrained. He ruled my early life but he will not rule another full day.
Hopalong:
GOOD for you, GS...the activities. Brava brava.
My T had an epiphany this morning that helped me a lot.
We've spent two years trying to get me to work with the usual ADD kinds of advice:
List things that need doing, break them down into small steps, calendar the steps,
build in breaks and rewards, etc. The ONE THING TODAY, all that...
And, sometimes, that does help. But the very biggest thing was something else:
Today he asked me repeatedly what I say to myself when I turn aside from a
plan I'd been excited about the day before. Even the simplest thing, like...not
taking my laptop to bed. Or, a 10-minute walk when I come home even if I
don't feel like it.
It was, embarrassingly, that what I say to myself is: "I don't want to." And
secondly, "I'm alone, so there's no one I'm accountable to." (Clearly, I don't
even feel accountable to myself when the escape-task-exercise-sleep urge
is on.)
So. He said, "It's really just ONE THING." It's that you are run by your feelings.
(He wasn't judging that.) Your rational mind understands completely how the
step-by-step, small-goal-setting systems work. But your feelings RULE. So
your entire task, about everything, is to push back against letting your
emotions decide everything. THAT'S the internal dialogue you need to have.
Just every day. When the escape urge comes up, you need to talk to yourself
about your rational, adult mind.
We looked at each other sort of bug-eyed because in my case, it's really
that simple. I have oceans of emotional reasons (grief, depression, etc.)
for avoiding taking care of my life. The endless chores/decisions/tasks
of taking care of an adult life. So, given that my emotion-ocean will
never completely dry up...what else can get me to DO something I
really need to do?
My rational mind. I need to listen to it. Allow it to take charge for many
of those daily decisions.
Not everything. Of course. Not stopping my emotional processing and
reflecting and relaxing and recreating, not at all. But just...when I have
so CLEARLY identified for myself SIMPLE steps and choices that would
vastly improve my life, to engage my rational mind as my ally.
Sounds odd in writing this, but it really was an epiphany. It had one
of those solid-moments-in-therapy feelings. Like, we looked at each
other and went: Yes. That is essentially IT. For me.
Hope it's not a you-hadda-be-there but it's good to share it anyway.
Tonight? Rational mind needs to go home and in spite of:
--feeling achy and drained
--sour mood at beginning of tedious workweek
--physical fatigue
--depression at coming home alone
Rational mind needs to say: Right. Now we're going to walk around
the block. LATER we're going to watch the escape stuff.
That's it. So embarrassing so say -- that's my goal of the day.
But you get it.
love
Hops
Ales2:
*
*
* This is not a minor epiphany Hops, its a really good one. I have the same problem with escapism and avoidant, procrastinating behavior. Mine usually is that I get up at 5ish and feed cats (at 5 am they are NOT cats they are extortionists in a fur coat :lol:) then want to ust la there til 545 to make a coffee change into gym clothers and get to gym by 6ish. Lately, I get stuck, fall back to sleep or get on the internet, it gets to 620 and then I feel its too late to do the workout I want to do, so I make all sorts of little mental NOs in my head and never make it to the gym. I am working my way around that which is 545 cats fed coffee and banana made, bed made, in clothes, out door. That helps, SOMETIMES, if I get a good nights sleep.
Best techniques I learned for procrastination are the following:
Mel Robbins - Successful people do the right things consistently, even when they don't feel like it.
The Tools/ Phil Stutz ad Barry Michels - Bring it on, just sit, eliminate your distractions and do it NOW.
Eliminate the monkey with a small goal today (one load laundry, 10 mins sorting junk mail, save $5 today) so it doesnt turn into a monster tomorrow (3 loads of laundry, a box full of junk mail or $200 credit card bill). Get the monkey off your back before it turns into a monster.
Recovery - Folks in addiction recovery learn to "do the next right thing" when they get emotionally triggered and want to relapse.
Eckhart Tolle - Power of NOW.
My own - when I want to escape by reading an article, watching netflix or some other thing I put it on a sticky and get back to work. What I discovered is that when I perceive my time to be my own, like I can go to the beach on Sunday afternoon or do whats on the sticky, I suddenly have lost interest in that item and I can see it for what it is - a distraction and procrastination avoidant behavior.
I use these tools and get good results. You are on to something with the emotional awareness.
Hopalong:
Wow, Ales.
That is a REALLY powerful and for me so so helpful, post.
Thank you for sharing all that.
It's extremely heartening. And gives me some new resources.
But...5am? For real?
Oy. I have a loooong way to go.
hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
GS, thought I'd share this followup because I imagine you may relate.
I emailed my T to thank him for his solid epiphany yesterday--because I
stayed focused on it. Result was (will sound totally minor to those who don't
struggle with the take-care-of-your-life-like-regular-people-do issue):
When I went home I override my immediate-escape valve and:
--walked the dog (ran into friendly people, too)
--made healthy soup
NBD? It did feel like a big deal. Anyway, he wrote back "You're welcome"
and added this advice, which I liked a lot. Concise and solid, just like the insight was:
"Keep in mind its not about the soup or the dog but going against your grain, overriding
the emotional brain. One or two overrides / challenges a day is a good starting point.
You can increase the size of the challenge as you gain confidence. Choose consistency over size."
FWIW, hugs--
Hops
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