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Still need to work through early trauma

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Hopalong:
Heck yeah, there's hope.

One thing at a time. You're doing GREAT.

And Atta, Girl!

love
Hops

Gaining Strength:
Hey Hops.  So good to see you.  Your encouragement is so welcomed.  It always cheers me.

I am so thankful to be able to at long last know what is going on with me, to be able to give it a name.  One thing this allows is curtailing that extra "blaming."  Things are not yet different but now I understand what has gripped me and why I have been stuck.

I am so thankful for having over a day without it and for having been introduced to a treatment that might resolve it.  To see that being able to follow through is a function of my brain is very, very helpful

Yesterday I heard a story on the radio about a woman who had had a very, difficult childhood, given over to that state by her mother as a young teen.  When she moved from resentment over her parents actions and resentment over what others had she found herself able to begin healing.  Learning to be thankful for what I have rather than focus on what I don't (and I am really thinking relationships and belonging here - not material goods) then the triggers soften and are fewer.  I am able to do just a bit more.

Gaining Strength:
This is a fantastic description of caustic N behaviours:  http://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/2014/07/21/five-powerful-ways-abusive-narcissists-get-inside-your-head/

Gaining Strength:
This brief bit about the freeze response of trauma does a great job of describing what I experience on a daily basis. It is so helpful to read this. It is like an acknowledgement of what I have been experiencing, trying to name.  Now I have and that is profoundly comforting.

http://www.traumahealed.com/articles/frozen-thaw-from-surrender.html

In the past when I tried to push though, I was unconsciously condemning myself over and over which was the equivalent of digging my own hole.  It made things worse.  Now that component is over, thank goodness. In many ways I think I am at the bottom of my decades long exploration to understand, "What is WRONG with me?"  Now I know. 

While bits of healing have been taking place the primary healing will be the healing of the traumatic freeze response.  How remarkable it is to be able to write this down, make it tangible, hold it in my hand.

My triggers are mostly: rejection, failure, obligation and financial.  I wonder if this knowledge will allow me to apply all I have to overcome it.  That along with the tDCS treatments which I hope to begin soon.

Gaining Strength:
Teartracks thanks so much for sharing. It is a lonely journey, difficult to explain, difficult to understand.  When I read your post I felt not so all alone.

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