Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
So , in some ways it doesn't feel as though I am progressing - bouts of deep depression and anxiety doesn't sound nor feel like progress and yet I am progressing. In the past 8 or 9 months I have steadily progressed, uncovering dark memories and feelings. These memories and feelings, no longer repressed expose me to the original pain along with all the tentacles that have reached into present life along the way. Now shame, hurt, and fear are connected to so much in life that the two despicable twins of depression and anxiety are so easily provoked.
Long ago I in deities the things that trigger for me. They at in general, rejection, and her red-headed step children failure, exclusion and condemnation.. And I will have to include barriers to goals.
As I make progress the way these triggers work becomes clearer and that allows me some power over them - minimal at first (where I am now) but the power grows. I won't be stuck here for too long.
Hopalong:
No you won't stay stuck!
You're enduring the weather of all this, including storms that come and then blow through--but you're still sailing true...
Atta girl, GS.
Eyes on the horizon!
(Hope you see some dolphins.)
hugs
Hops
Gaining Strength:
Thanks Hops.
I continue to work on changing the way my mind thinks. I am retraining my thoughts to overcome fears and reactions to rejection and fear of failure. It is slow going but somimportant.
Gaining Strength:
Here is my current process: become aware of trigger (usually feeling excluded), experiencing the flush of shame and rejection, then summon strength and determination and positive outlook. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
I become increasingly aware of how submerged I have been in this dark feeling.
Another trigger is "obligation." It is related to not enough resources and feeling not good enough.
That "not enough resources" feeling is a deep wound related to betrayal. This may be even greater than the other.
But I am keeping my eye and heart on the knowledge that all of this can be overcome. Each time I shift my thought away from the pain to the belief that I am growing daily stronger I feel that strength surge. It is something like a B -12 shot. My first goal is to no longer fear the trigger. When that happens I will be on yet another level.
I continue to make progress and I am keeping my eye on that, focusing on the healing while not denying the pain.
Gaining Strength:
I keep getting blasted with memories from my 20s. They are filled with great sorrow, depression, failure, shame and hopelessness, a need to hide. I will pour compassion into these memories, shift them from the dark to the light. I needed my mother and my father to help guide me and they completely abandoned me. That pain is real and raw.
It is time to pour salve rather than rePress, to acknowlege and heal. Much more work but stronger with each step.
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