Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
Just read this - ” the judgmental self us critical and rejecting of us and of others in many ways . But most especially, the judgmental part of us is rejecting of our wounded self.the judgemental part of us may see the wounded child as too needy, too vulnerable, too much of a burden, too big of a problem, not deserving of our time, an embarrassment, and even a threat."
Wow. I sure could have written that myself. Very touching.
It goes on. Each sentence more poignant, more probing than the one before. It all touches the ache within me, causing me the Cty out in painful recognition.
The key to understanding this part of ourselves is that this part has been trying desperately to protect us from harm that we secretly fear we deserved.
Www.nacr.org/Wordpress/37/recovery-from-childhood-trauma
Gaining Strength:
Found another brief page about shame being difficult to treat with EMDR on a page by a guy who trains therapists to deal with shame.
The pieces are fitting together.
I hate using the EMDR for shame feelings because it stirs them up and intensifies them before they ease but I know it is a way out so I commit to doing it.
I
Also think I will try to use it proactively with issues that I know are shamed - those which I shut down on. My memories are increasing about how shutting down and avoidance often saved me from my fathers wrath at least temporarily. These memories help me understand how the pattern got started. Now I must muster the courage to face it and endure through the desensitization process. Yuck.
The deeper I get into this the more complicated I see the emotions are, so contradictory and twisted around one another.
Getting in touch with very immature response. Refusal to act as an only way to exert power. Attached to intense anger. And sense of impotence. And being a victim waiting for rescue which I HATE.
Gaining Strength:
Today I am pushing out of avoidance into the stuff and using desensitization. It turns my stomach inside out - nausea.
I keep finding more and mire sites that describe my pain and struggle. They really help. Affirm and comfort.
Gaining Strength:
I just found Pete Walker who totally gets the traumatizing of childhood emotional neglect. He has 11 techniques to use. I feel strongly that as I continue to ask I am receiving each next step.
http://www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm
Life saving and hope giving.
I'll be concentrating on comforting that terrified child who would have done anything for acceptance even though she/I expected rejection. This just opens up memory and flashbacks of how my neediness led to so much rejection throughout my life. So painful to see but hopeful in that I no longer have to participate in it. Angry at all the pain but hopefully for relief.
Gaining Strength:
I feel like I'm going home. I will work this until I'm free. They cannot hurt me in my own home. Though I like to hide it causes me great loss. I must push forward. I must.
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