Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Izzy_*now*:
Good on you, GS, if so.
You deserve it after all this hard work.
Kudos
Izzy
moonlight60:
Dear GS,
So Happy for your progress....
Moonlight
Gaining Strength:
I'm in touch with a very juvenile part of myself. A self sabotaging child angry thAt my mother and my father didn't help me and punished me for failing when I needed help. So somewhere I began failing in massive obvious ways longing for someone to help, needing help, nurture. But I am no longer a child. I am able to provide for myself now.
Praying that now at the crux I am able to overcome, heal and get to the other side.
Gaining Strength:
Paring down to core issues.
Obligation and resentment
This article from Psychology Today identifies resentment of obligation as a normal reaction to relationship with an N or BPD. Now to cut through it.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201302/fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog-in-relationships
My experience is that when I identify an issue that needs resolution that the way to healing comes. I'm counting on it. This has held me back my entire life. My resentment has triggered a childlike, powerless tantrum and refusal to step up to the plate. I'm ready to mature and take my responsibility. The time is here.
Gaining Strength:
These past two months may have been the most difficult of my life. Yesterday as I was about to give hope of isolating the "thing" and hope of healing it all coalesced.
For most of my life I was totally unaware that I was actually hated by each member of my FOO. I was even oblivious to their permanent state of contempt. My mother held me with contempt but only when I needed something (like compassion) or wasn't serving her. The others always despised me but said, "I love you." What a terribly confusing way to go through life. I can tell you rejection and love are totally jumbled for me.
This paralysis is the product of self hatred that grew out of being hated by FOO and it's confusion with love. For many years I have been aware of my fathers confusion of love and obligation but until now I was not aware that I had love and contempt totally twisted together. Unfortunately I now know that the hatred I experienced was internalized as self hatred and a profound sense of only deserving the worst in life, little good and mostly punishment. Consequently, I have been paralyzed, unable to do the things required of me waiting for the unavoidable shame, rejection and punishment.
That is a concise description of the hell and prison I have been living in. Now I pray that three is nothing more horrific to excavate and that these tools I have been acquiring can loose me from this torment and torture. If you are a praying person, please pray for me.
http://discussingdissociation.com/2009/07/16/being-hated-feeling-hated-overcoming-self-hatred/
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