Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
I have long been aware that my entire life I have been motivated by avoiding negative reaction. Inevitably that motivation has bogged me down further and further and further.
Today I discovered a book The Mindful Approach to Depression. In the book the authors refer to a scientific study which demonstrated that aversion motivation is destructive. The way out of course is through mindfulness. Ironically mindful exercises done to bring about a result miss the mark.
Gaining Strength:
Being aware of these long repressed feelings and the feeling I have avoided intensifies them. The practioners of mindfulness write that daily practise brings relief. I am trusting the process. There is an 8 week online course. I plan to enroll.
It seems oddly scary.
Gaining Strength:
Layers and layers and layers of self hatred and shame from rejection and condemnation. Is there a bottom to it all.
Each day I learn so much from my exploration into mindfulness. The insula is a part of the brain not understood until 2007. Now it is known that the insula plays a role in the resiliency of the being in dealing with emotional pain. The insula withers with age but both the resiliency and the size can be restored through mindfulness.
This information about the role of the insula explains well my own experience. The damage was done early in and my resiliency has decreased across time and it seemed to be extinguished.
Holding these physical sensations of shame in awareness without judgement is empowering. Across my life I have repressed them and fled them the sw ya dog runs from fleas. To hold them in awareness without judgment is agonizing. The pain crescendos and memories of shaming moments flood in, further intensifying the shame. Holding it, gently, more and again and then it breaks like a fever and there is rest until the tension of shame slowly mounts again and the process starts up again.
The relief when the tension breaks is filled with comfort and hope. But the relentlessness of the nudge of yet another shaming memory is filled with despair. How does the cycle end? I keep at it.
Gaining Strength:
In this page (http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-emotional-pain-body-part-2-wcz/) a psychologist us writing about Ekhart a Tolle's concept pain body and way to diminish it. All of the ways and forms of awareness.
The further encourages me to continue on with mindfulness.
Gaining Strength:
The article on the painbody indicates that others have gone through layer after layer after layer. That makes sense to me. I am particular connected to my painbody. It took hold of me by my neck. It will take more to let it go. But that is not discouraging. I am willing to keep at it. It is only discouraging when a technique seems to have no effect. That triggers the fear and hopelessness. I can work hard at developing awareness. Daily I see bits and pieces of results. They don't appear to accumulate but provide relief here and there. Ultimately I am looking for an accumulative effect that will leave me free to live a full life.
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