Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
Every obligation has been shamed, shame coated, shame inducing, shame provoking. And with fallout from my mothers estate which I cannot yet write about the shame has finally ground me to a halt. To think that I am beginning to be present to this shame without repressing it is unthinkable.
The more I do this practice the more able I am to speak to the shame, to be present to it and to no longer repress it. All of my energy has been directed at repressing it for all of these years. I am painfully aware of the resentment and fear and anger and expectation of being excluded and expectation of failure came out of the repression. If I am present to my shame and no longer repressing it will it have the same power over me? Will I be bound by it still? Incapacitated? Paralyzed?
I don't know. I hope not. And I have just enough of a glimpse of how that might be for this hope to stand on something real. But still I don't yet know. For the first time I I cannot say when I so not have the need to go hide. I don't have the longing to find a dark closet to close myself in. The self hatred hasn't gone away but it is somewhat faded.
Hopalong:
Oh what a heavy responsibility your belittling father bears, GS.
http://www.oregonlive.com/living/index.ssf/2013/11/dads_and_daughters_dads_write.html
And what an unfair double blow that you didn't have the kind of mother who could compensate.
That said, it is all the more powerful that you are, in addition to the ocean of shame, determinedly
building your own way to float. I feel when I read you that there is continuing strength being expressed.
More and more and consistently.
I have NO doubt that what you are doing, your steady commitment to it, is going to yield peace.
Next comes even happiness. I admire your determination and persistence greatly.
And you don't have to empty the ocean. The smallest boat, once you learn to navigate, can sail
over any depth.
love
Hops
Gaining Strength:
This whole mass seems to be cracking. Tiny rays of light are slightly penetrating. Can this dynamic reverse? Is it unidirectional? Will is continue at a rate proportional to the work I put in?
This afternoon the triggers that have been there as long as I can remember are receding. It is very weird. I am moving gingerly, uncertain. Will Lucy pull the ball away from me once I buy in?
Gaining Strength:
Hops. Thank you so much for your caring post. It means so much.
I find my posts repetitive and boring even to myself and yet it is so profoundly helpful to me to write this stuff down, the get it out. The irony is that the stuff I am struggling with is so boring and yet I need to get it out but putting it out there seems to me to also be alienating. That is precisely why I am thankful for this place, because even if my posts are relentless and might cause eyerling there is still an acceptance here. And that is very significant.
Gaining Strength:
For years I've had an omnipresent feeling of anxiety and doom a sense that reading the right article, having the right conversation, connecting the right way then it would all be good. That sense still pervades but now I am aware that this is a coping mechanism that is passively destructive. And finally I have an alternative action to take. Oddly, I am still drawn more easily to the destructive path and have an aversion to the healing one.
I'm looking forward to a shift which is imminent.
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