Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
Getting in touch with the profound shame which has been at work throughout my life. Memories flooding back. So much pain and resentment that I had forgotten. It brings such sorrow and grief to me today. The burden would be too great if I did not trust this process. But I do. I have no vision for the future yet but that will come.
Today is rainy, cold and glum. Not helping at all.
I am almost to the place of welcoming these feelings of shame, sorrow and anxiety as being present to them, attending to these feelings, how they are in the body is healing. I am surmounting a hurdle and nearing the apex after which facing the hurdles will be much easier. Paying attention to, "attending" is healing in and of itself. I can do this.
I have an errand to run. I have not been able to get it done. I am going to try an experiment and see what happens in what time period as I attend to this errand and the feelings generated by it. I have great resistance as I write but I can do this. Each session heals the insula. Each sessions helps.
Gaining Strength:
I am going to use this exercise to create change in my life. Beginning today, I am going to have a very short list of chores and put my full attention on each one until accomplished.
Chores has been the center piece of my shame, fear, anxiety and guilt all leading to shut down. Can I dig myself out? Start with 1, then 3 and five on up to 10. Attending to one at a time. It will release all the boogeyman men plaguing me for so long. All of my shortcomings will surface. I no longer desire or need to keep them at bay, to repress them where they wreak havoc and death.
I celebrate finally understanding what has been at the root of such dysfunction. But understanding is not enough. Overcoming is the only desirable outcome.
Meh:
Okay, sounds good. What chores are you going to do?
For myself I have to get dental x-rays and find a new dentist again.
Gaining Strength:
Becoming more and more aware of how the "paralysis " sets in, how the body holds it and how the feeling binds me, shuts me down. It is a subtle feeling that calls me to suppress it and find distraction. I would rather do anything than tune in to it. But now I know what is needed - and yet - it is still indescribably difficult.
Almost as if tuning in is walking into the humiliation. Well I guess it is. But then without tuning in I cannot get to the other side and it is the other side where the acceptance lies - self acceptance.
Gaining Strength:
Oh my Garbanzo. I can understand why that is hard to do. But I know you will be glad when it is done.
The most important one is getting my dishes washed and put away. Really basic stuff.
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