Still need to work through early trauma

[Meh]

This is bad for the environment but sometimes I just go to a dollar store and buy packages of disposable plates (I don't use them all the time)... but it can be a break.

Dishes are perpetually created

[Gaining Strength]

Honestly Garbanzo. I think that is brilliant, at least until I get back to normal.  It's funny you suggest it. I thought about it a month or so ago and then forgot to follow through.  I'm going yo do it to at least lighten the
Load for a little while.  Then I can gave some on Gand to use if I start to get behind again.  Once I get behind the task is so big that I feel defeated before I start.

Thanks.

[Gaining Strength]

Seeing bits of progress with mindfulness practise.. As I progress I become increasingly aware of how powerful a grip my never ceasing self condemnation has been.  It has put me in a state of perpetual condemnation, shame, and anxiety.  Now I am getting moments whe it all beaks and that when I see how it has been in complete controll.

So much shame.

That is the crux.

[Gaining Strength]

This helps me understand why I've looked for constant distraction.

Expectation - obligation generate shame.  That comes with every chore in life. 

Now I begin the reversal.

[Gaining Strength]

As I become more aware, more present, I am able to see that I am beginning to be able to choose to not react in shame.  It is like a muscle which I have become aware of.  It must be developed. But at least I now am in touch with it.

[Gaining Strength]

Finally able to sit for 10 minute segments without being overwhelmed by shame and anxiety with the feeling of needing to run.  Now I am looking forward to being able to face chores with the same presence.  Able to work in spite of feelings of needing to runaway, able to work through the pain. 

[Gaining Strength]

I live in a state of perpetual fear of failure, being cheated, and rejection..  My constant fear both cripples me and insures that I will bring on those things I fear.

My nascentractice of mindfulness allows me to begin to be present to theses constant fears. In doing so they have incrementally less controll over me.  Initially the thing I focus my attention on, become aware of, gets excruciatingly more intense.  It is utterly counter intuitive that holding my focus will decrease that pain rather than increase it.  It feels increased.  The expectation of that increase adds yet another layer of pain and feet.  The brain processes expectation as the real thing.

So many layers.

[Gaining Strength]

As I attend to the anticipatory dread my anxiety kicks into high gear.  I want to flee from it.  But really, rarely a moment in the day do I not have a sense of needing to retreat.  Becoming aware of this increases the pain of it.  How odd that this should. Bring healing.

[Hopalong]

It is odd but I think it's not counterintuitive anyway.
It reminds me of what it's like to heal from a physical wound, or surgery.
Such acute pain when an infected wound is opened and cleaned, brutally so.
And great soreness and pain during the rehabilitation.

And then, as new muscle forms, tiny new fibers find each other and knit,
nerves calm and learn their living pulse, skin even if forever scarred seals
strong and whole again.

And the breeze blows over you, and scents come, and you turn to the
water, and notice as you clean a plate, how beautiful it is that the
water flows over your hands while you work. And it feels simple.

love
Hops

[Meh]

Shucks you two are so poetic!

[Gaining Strength]

My vision and understanding increase almost day by day. And with it grows my tolerance if pain. It feels so slow but looking back the weeks of steady healing are significant against the decades of progressive illness.

Bit by bit, my awareness increases and I am able to apply the calm of the moment against the agony of anticipated failure or expected criticism. The balm if the present is beginning to seep in.

[Gaining Strength]

I feel these fears in specific places in my body.  Today i am really struggling to do the meditations the sense of irritation is especially high.  I am trying to face it by imagining myself receiving the compassion I needed at th
E time.  But it is still difficult to let go and allow myself to go back into that time and feel the original pain of rejection. I see how I got myself into some difficult times and places because of the need and longing to belong. I would accept "belonging" from people who I didn't really want to belong with and it was very confusing and uncomfortable.  It is such a strange experience to go back and feel this..very unpleasant.  More so for re experiencing the very painful longing I had at that time, the longing to belong which was completely unconscious because I thought that I did. Such a source of neurosis.

[Hopalong]

I love this, and it is going to help me.

I am able to apply the calm of the moment

Thank you, ((((GS))))

love
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Lol -Garbanzo.  Hops is poetic but I seem to drone on.

[Gaining Strength]

We need a "like" or "thumbs up."

I would like to "like" your post Hops.