Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
As I process this iceberg of pain and trauma interesting things come up to me. I wrote briefly about the discoveries of the pain and blockages in some lines of my ancestry. Last night it was a discovery about my mother. For sometime I struggled to understand why I felt such anger and frustration towards her. In some ways I could list some actions or events but it still wasn't so clear. But last night a portion of it flooded back. It is a kind of neglect that would only be understood by those who have experienced it because while most people have a list of moments when there mother wasn't there for them, my stories are examples of the norm rather than the exception. And most important is my reaction to what happened rather than the events. That is why I think I am able to heal now, because even years later I can shift my reaction.
As I have written before, the nail in the coffin for me was the rage evoked by my father when I expressed my needs, desires, or hurt. That reaction still makes it difficult for me to express my memories or feelings. That denial of my being still pains me and locks me up. I was not allowed to grieve, to complain, to be joyful, to need. Why would not one adult in my life rescue me or even acknowledge what I endured.
My needs and my struggles were oblivious to my mother. It was a struggle I never overcame during her life. It was a struggle that pained me to the depths of my soul.
Gaining Strength:
I am feeling so much lighter. Still paralyzed but the darkness is starting to lift and although I was hopefull even the slightest improvement increases hope which of course generates a wonderful momentum. I'm off to the waste terai to prepare for my child's homecoming. I want to have clean sheet for him and a clean room too. That would be a great accomplishment.
Gaining Strength:
I was making progress cleaning this morning but when it comes to the big issues I took my eye off of the mindfulness and slipped a bit. We'll see if I can get back in the groove.
Gaining Strength:
I did it! You have no idea how exciting this is.
Izzy_*now*:
Dear GS,
You appear to be doing so well. I use 'appear' as you sound content, although much of what you have accomplished is still beyond me.
It appears we had the same beginnings, but also seems our lives took different paths of trauma experience because of the principals involved.
I read your posts, btw, and thought it was time to chip in, as well, with Bravos on your accomplishments.
I don't have the vocabulary to describe mine, but just know that I am far better without any family contact. I do email my brother in return but no problem exists with our short notes, and he says he feels better when he hears from me....so why not drop a line and answer about my health when he asks, and comment on his life when he tells me, whether it is bad knees or trapping a skunk!
Keep on keeping on
xx
Izzy
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version