Father's Day for those with N fathers

[Gaining Strength]

I hate all the hoopla over Father's Day. Not only am I not interested in celebrating my father  but it is also a very difficult time for my little one who lost his father as an infant.   This is one more time when I feel "different" or left out. I would love to scream from the mountain top, that some fathers are not wonderful. 

Honestly I cannot even imagine what it is like to "love" a parent, to know that someone is there for you through thick and thin, who will do anything for you or make any kind of a sacrifice.  That was not ever my experience from either parent. There is a church in town that has a service on Mother's Day for women who never were mothers or who are no longer mothers or who  are missing mothers. It would be comforting if somewhere in a corner of the universe there were a gathering of those whose father was not a loving, caring, comforting man..  To not be alone with that loss would be nice this weekend.

[Hopalong]

I can imagine the isolation you feel on this day, GS (edit: whoops, typed Tupp by mistake)....

My church does usually say something on those "trigger days" (for me it's Mother's Day, of course)...to acknowledge that not everyone has a warm and cozy family/parents feeling to celebrate, and offers a mediation or something similar that allows everyone to sit in "the space they're in."

I find M-day so deeply painful that I don't go and just stay home and grit my teeth waiting for it to be over. Church, although well meant and even conscious enough to be inclusive of those with that kind of sad memory, is so painful on those days, when I'm awash in memories of her being there with me, standing on the pew beside me when she was little so she could pretend to read the hymnal. She loved it there.

She had a tortured and painful relationship with her Dad, but loved him. And she's been torn apart ever since his death 14 years ago. Today I lit a candle for her and also spoke during "Joys and Sorrows" about her loss of him. That helped. And for every 10 people who recoil from something so harsh as an estranged child, there's at least one who asks, and who allows me to tell it like it is.

When I give it a chance, my UU church is as supportive as this board. And in 3-D! I wish you could find a 3-D community you could trust, too. You and your beautiful son deserve one. You ARE part of the human community, as much as anyone walking (or not walking).

love to you, and comfort--
Hops

[moonlight60]

GS...
  I just wish to let you know I understand the experience of a father who wishes to be admired and feared above all else...while you stand there invisible.

I am so very sorry you have suffered this neglect.  If this does in fact describe your experience. All I do know is that I found some relief in knowing

mind , body and soul it was just about him... I do with all my heart hope you find comfort ..I know you will..

Father's Day is awkward ...at best ( my father is 91) and painful .. he does not celebrate the Day. So I send a card even though he lives a stones throw away...and wish it could have been different...I wish it had been.

All Love and Light

Moonlight

[Gaining Strength]

Moonlight, how dear to see you again. I remember much about what you have written about your father. I expect it takes courage for you to send a card and courage for you to not engage. Thank you so much for your post. I wish you we'll and am so glad to see you again.

Yours - GS

[Gaining Strength]

Hops, I know what you mean about gritting your teeth. I love to read how you transform your sorrow of your torn relationship into a touching memory. Very touching.

[Hopalong]

GS, typed Tupp by mistake up there, sorry.

Well I do have such happy memories of her childhood,
when she was loving and we were so close. I always
will cherish them. No matter what.

But sounds like you don't have any good memories of
your father to offset how he treated you. For me, even
one real moment can sustain something.

I am very sorry you don't have that to hold to, but
proud to see how you're building your own internal
compassion for yourself. It is more powerful than
any bad memory.

Trust it. It really is the answer. Carrying that
compassion with you into the one-step, one-day..
is what will get you unstuck, for that day..

And that's all you ever have to do.


love
Hops