Missing My Dad

[sunblue]

Hello Everyone:

I very recently lost my dad. We laid him to rest this week. Following basic surgery, I was his caregiver along with my N mom. We finally brought him home and believed he was on the mend. I was alone with him when God gently called him home in the wee hours of the morning.

What followed was typical of my family's N dynamics. I handled all the details of the wake and funeral as my tough N mom suddenly couldn't make any decisions. My bro who checked out of family awhile ago was there but minimally so. My very extreme N and socio sis pulled out all the drama. She refused to go into wake chapel, took no part of arrangements, came to the funeral dressed like she was going to mall, refused to participate in church and threatened my life.

If has been so hard. I loved my dad despite everything more than I can say. It doesn't feel right that I'm walking around this world without him in it. I see no purpose. Anyone that cared for me even a little is dead now. I miss my dad more than I can say.

My head tells me I did everything humanly possible to care for him and show him I love him but J wish he could have explained or admitted things before he was called home. Now I'm left with my N mom even though she continues to worship her golden child, her fellow N.

I just don't see a purpose anymore since Sad passed. He was the center of my life, caring for him and comforting him.

[river]

Bereavement is really hard, + in a family like that, I can understand how you feel.  If you put your sense of purpose into caring for him, I can see that evolving into a purposeful life from here, may seem like a faraway concept at this time.  I can imagine the heartrendingness. 
Do you have some good memories, / fulfilled moments with him to remember?

[Gaining Strength]

Sunblue, im so sorry you have lost the person whom you loved and who loved you.  I hear from  your posts that you are deeply grieving. But don't forget that even though he is gone that you carry him in your heart and while that may sound like little consolation today I hope that you will come to find that he is closer than you realize now.

My thoughts are with you.

[Hopalong]

Oh Sunblue. I understand.

It occurs to me that you DO have a purpose and you DO
have someone to love and to take care of.

Not you.

But the inner Little Sunblue. She needs your compassion.
She is lost and needs you to hold her in your heart and
talk to her gently and rock her while she grieves.

Your patient love and compassion for her will help her
move through her grief and begin to look up again,
and be curious about life.

The trees are swaying, inviting her to remember beauty.

love to you,
Hops

[teartracks]

Sunblue,

It is so fresh and abrupt and sharp.  I am so sorry.  Please take what heart you can.  The special love between you and your Dad remains.  Time will add a special sweetness to all that you shared.

I will pray that your grief is eased. 

tt

[sunblue]

Thank you all for your kind comments and good advice. I am having a difficult time dealing with the deep loss and grief. I try to hold onto the fact that he didn't suffer in his passing. It was peaceful though sudden and devastating for me who was with him. I am deep in mourning and thus am crying a lot. I am also busy handling details and comforting my N mom. Not surprisingly she has not once offered to comfort me when I fall apart in tears. So cold.

I feel completely alone now. He was the center of my life even though he was completely co-dependent on my mom. He was such a sweet man with a good heart. I really don't know how I can move on from this yet I know everyone deals with this. I just desperately miss him. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Hopalong]

((((((((((((Sunblue))))))))))))

Your good father
fathered
a good daughter

Hops

[Ales2]

(((((((((((((((Sunblue))))))))))))))))

Im very sorry for your loss Sunblue. I hope you are surrounded by other loving and caring people who can help see you through your grief. Its tough, be sure to reach out if you need help.

All the best to you,
Ales2

[Gaining Strength]

Sun blue - don't put pressure on yourself to move on.  It isn't time for you if there even were such a thing a "time for grieving."  Grief has its own way of being in control.  Ithe mourning period is exhausting but your being has taken a great loss.  Think of how long it would take to recuperate if you had been hit by a Mac truck and survived.  Because that is what your emotions have been through.  You wouldn't expect someone hit by a truck to move on so quickly and so be kind to yourself while your grief is so deep.  It will lessen. It will not last without relief.  Be patient and kind to yourself. 

My heart is with you in your grief. - GS