Writing Letters

[Twoapenny]

Lovely people, I'd appreciate your knowledgeable thoughts on this!

I've recently got back in contact with my estranged sister, formerly very close to my mum but now pushed aside as she has displeased her and is no longer doing as she's told (my sister, this is, not my mum!).  Two things have become apparent through talking to her.  One is that absolutely no-one in the family - my mum included - has any idea how serious my son's problems are, or that they're life long and very restrictive for him.  The second is that no-one - apart from my mum - knows how many times she has deliberately lied to a whole host of different agencies claiming that I abuse him (apparently everyone's under the impression that we had a bit of a row a few years ago and just don't talk much now).  The third is that no-one, including my mum, has any idea that my son was denied essential support for years because the professionals involved were all under the impression, thanks to my mum, that there was nothing wrong with my son that a bit of decent parenting wouldn't sort out, and as such has been left with more serious problems because of the lack of early intervention (as they call in here in the UK).

My aunt (mum's sister) wrote to me recently and asked me if I could see my way to sending my mum a card for her 70th, as she knows it would mean the world to her.  Apparently my mum tells the whole family that she adores me, but that I refuse to speak to her.

My sister recently moved a couple of hundred miles away to get away from my mum (tried that myself, didn't work) and as I stepped out of my door this afternoon my mum was driving past my house.  She's done this in phases over the years, what on earth she hopes to achieve I don't know but it's always at the time I drop my son off to his club and she has no reason to be driving past here, it's just a housing estate and my house isn't on a main road that leads anywhere else.  She drove by waving madly at my son, my beautiful lad who has so many problems and whose life has been so much harder because of her and her bloody madness and the chaos it's created.

Thinking along the lines of the lack of reality and lack of factual information that's been spread around over the years, I have been thinking about writing two letters, one to my mum, one to her sister, explaining just how much damage she has done to my son and what the long term implications are for him now.  A factual account, not an emotional one.

I don't want, need or expect a reply from either of them, or any kind of validation or recognition (I think).  I just feel there ought to be a version of the truth put forward, not that I think it would make any different to the way she is or what she does but, I don't know, I kind of feel like I'm letting my boy down by not speaking up on his behalf.

What do you all think?

[Gaining Strength]

I say, " definitely write the letters."

After they are written you can decide whether not not to post them,
The writing will be a great experience of sorting out the facts for yourself and put somethings nto a perspective that may be hidden from you.

[Hopalong]

After my brother tried to destroy my life and bore soooooooo much falsity about me
to my only extended family, I later wrote them a letter telling them what really
happened. I even included proof (legal documents).

And do you know what?

They didn't even acknowledge receiving it.

For me, that was worse than if I'd never tried to defend myself to them at all.

So you could write them, but you can't control the outcome, and my advice
would just be...ask yourself whether you'll feel more in control if you do defend
yourself (and reveal your mother's behavior to them)...or if you don't, and keep
that boundary in place.

Only you can decide which way is healthier for you. Just wanted to mention
that being ignored (which by default means, your truth has no effect)...is a
possible outcome.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

After my brother tried to destroy my life and bore soooooooo much falsity about me
to my only extended family, I later wrote them a letter telling them what really
happened. I even included proof (legal documents).

And do you know what?

They didn't even acknowledge receiving it.

For me, that was worse than if I'd never tried to defend myself to them at all.

So you could write them, but you can't control the outcome, and my advice
would just be...ask yourself whether you'll feel more in control if you do defend
yourself (and reveal your mother's behavior to them)...or if you don't, and keep
that boundary in place.

Only you can decide which way is healthier for you. Just wanted to mention
that being ignored (which by default means, your truth has no effect)...is a
possible outcome.

love
Hops

Heard loud and clear, Hopsie!  I'm sorry that you've been through similar, I forget sometimes that you had all that stuff going on with your brother in the past.  Does he just leave you alone now or do you hear from him sometimes?

I'm not sure how to explain how I feel at the minute?  I wrote to all of them years ago, like you did, and spilt the beans and yep, it was basically ignored, either completely or by getting back a response of 'can't you just forgive and forget'.  I don't know, I just feel like I haven't spoken up for him?  I wouldn't bother writing to all of them again, just my mum and this one aunt who, in her defence, is the only person in the family who's ever bothered to actually ask what his problems are, although she isn't aware that they've been made worse by the endless delays in medical treatment when he was younger.

To be honest if I got a response back from my mum I think I'd bin it without reading it; she's incapable of dealing with reality so I expect anything she sent me would just be a long list of all the things I've done wrong to upset her.  I suspect my aunt would just ignore it like she did the last time but I don't know, there's a feeling in me that I'm keeping quiet and I shouldn't?

Who knows?  It's not at the top of my to-do-list, I will leave it bubbling in the background for now.

Thank you for the input, it's much appreciated xx

[Hopalong]

You are very welcome.
I truly understand the Pushme-Pullyou of this kind of decision.
To witness your mother's denial/pretending (mad waving as she drove by)
must've been very irritating.

I would confront my cousins but if they didn't care enough to ever ask
me whether there was another side to the twisted tale my brother was
telling...then they really didn't want to hear it. So my sending
explanations was really making myself vulnerable to no end.

I just couldn't help expressing at one point how hurt I'd been.

No, I have no desire to ever see or speak to my brother again (it
was that bad). The things he said about me weren't misunderstandings,
they were vicious outright lies intended to smear me and attack my
character. And, they were disproven completely. He is a sad and
delusional sociopath and an unsafe person. I seldom think of him.

Best of luck with this decision, Tupp. I am not sure there is a right or
wrong one. Except that a new spate of writing the story does keep
you in the story, in a way. Might be good if it helps you release it
further. Might be the opposite.

You'll know.

xo
Hops

[lighter]

Tupp:

Whatever you decide, it won't hurt to write those letters, then decide if you'll send them.

If you do decide to send them, writing with compassion for your mother (to the Aunt), and as little finger pointing as can be managed in telling such a wicked tale, will likely get you more traction than if you have a judgmental angry tone.

You can choose to leave the end of that letter open, without expectation or action, and that could help as well.

Sometimes people advocate for us ONLY if we don't advocate for ourselves.

In your case, you're advocating for your darling boy, so it may be possible to say things you couldn't say for yourself, and not get dismissed or punished for saying them.

::shrug::

I'm not sure, but I think it would help to just write the letters, even if you never send them.

Lighter

[Ales2]

Twoapenny - I agree with what everyone has said here. I would write the letter, sending is another decision.

Its interesting that you state your mum says she adores you, but you dont speak to her. Once she receives the letters it puts issues on the table quickly and it might force a change of that position. Be aware of that. Also possible that they might never respond and most likely deny any existence of the letters. Would you be OK with that if it happens? I would imagine that would be infuriating and invalidating, but would tell you more about her willingness to be involved in what is important to you.

Anyway, I am having a similar problem with my NMom and have typed a letter that sits on my laptop, ready to send if the issue arises again. She keeps wanting me to write her a letter, which I imagine she will show to others and use against me, so it has to be done with extreme caution.  Wording and compassion will matter alot, so do make that a consideration. You may also never know who else sees or reads the letter, even if she denies she gave it to others. These Ns are deceitful, sneaky and malicious...I know you know, just expect the unexpected backlash with them.

Also, Hops, I am also estranged from my brother for his outright insults and verbal abuse towards me and his decision that we no longer exchange xmas gifts. (I buy 5 for him, wife and 3 kids) he buys ONE for me. Lots of work on his part, so he thought it easier to forgo xmas.

Good luck with the letters,
Ales2

 

[Gaining Strength]

Ales2 - I lived that 3 for 1 exchange of Xmas gifts with 2 brothers for years ( not to mention b-days.) Quite frustrating as I was struggling financially and they were not.