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The A-I of Surviving N Mothers
Ales2:
Hi TT - Thanks for your post and interesting perspective.
After this labor day vacation, I have been more focused on getting over the bitterness she has caused in my life and learning how to be autonomous so that no person can steal my good attitude from me. Some of that will involve forgiving the past and not involving her in my future, so you might be way ahead of me.
Gaining Strength:
I believe you can do that Ales2.
I have found the bitterness began to unravel itself as I allowed myself to recognize its effect in my life and to acknowledge it to myself. It hid from me in ways and was not as easy to recognize as I would have expected. And some of it felt so legitimate. At times just recognizing it and then acknowledging to myself that it came from my parents treatment of me was enough to let it go. I'm sure I have more hidden but the lions hare is gone. It has beena great relief.
Ales2:
So for an update - sometime last summer, I was reading alot of Wayne Dyer, coincidentally, I was reading one of his books when he died. I had also read a book by Joyce Meyer called Beauty for Ashes (which is I highly recommend as emotional healing if the "God" part doesn't bother you) and her book on Forgiveness (average, not a great book) so I was trying to over come the issue. Dyer basically summed it up in 3 words "Forgive the Unforgiveable" and unforgiveable was my problem because the issue of verbal abuse/undermining can be ongoing. So, for many months, this really helped me put it behind me and then I went back to thr Joyce Meyer book and her teachings became more resonant and I was able to intergrate those as well.
As is happens I then had two bad incidents with the NMom. One involved her stalking me and showing at my Dad's grave when I visited on his birthday. She resents that I drive 100 miles to visit the grave, but never come to visit her or spend time with her. She knows I will show up at the cemetary on one of three days, his birthday (Nov), the anniversary of his passing/funeral (June) or Fathers Day (June), so she monitors the place. Creepy.
Then this past friday, she initated a visit to my apartment, which I accepted with skepticism. In recent months, she has accused me of stealing my Dads papers and elder abuse. None of these accusations are true. She has accused me of both of these in the past and I did some reading on false accusations. Im an employable adult, i.e 47, (she is 79, out of the work force) my reputation is important. Theft and Elder Abuse are felony crimes. To make continual accusations and then not report them as crimes to the police is a form of harassment and slander (i.e oral defamation). So, we had a nice visit, I was almost feeling bad - she can be nice, but of course, it doesn't last long. At the end of the visit, she said she wanted to leave at 8pm, then she pulled out some paperwork and launched into the "you stole Dad's paperwork and I want it back." I explained again that I have not seen or stolen his paperwork. She became increasingly hostile and started in with elder abuse accusations then yelled at me ("Something is seriously wrong with you") and hurried out of the apartment.
I called the police, they came. I told them on the call, that an elderly woman needs to file a police report for elder abuse and they came within 20 minutes. They separate us and then I explain the constant accusations, but NMom refuses to give a statement. She leaves without being able to talk to me.
WELL. Not sure what that backlash will be. The reality is that constant accusations that go unreported are harassment... I may have called her bluff. As I waited for the police to come, I pretty much knew she would not give a statement (she had documents on hand (which prove nothing), yet never showed them to police. But, it could have gone bad. She could have lied and been dramatic and I could have been going to jail right there (unlikely but possible). But unfortunately for her, I knew her "evidence" is non-existent and lies might get you arrested, but without evidence, very little chance of further trouble. The police by the way, took me seriously and there were mostly nice, except they berated me for allowing her to come visit. No more of that.
Through this nonsense - I have also learned that if a parent accuses you of Elder Abuse, you cannot visit them in their home or in a hospital without a neutral third party present. These Ns are very dangerous, some are pathological liars, so caution is always a good thing.
Anyway, I guess my point is, forgiveness can be dangerous and lead to incidents like these. Forgiveness maybe one thing, visits or LC are entirely another. I made a mistake by allowing her to visit. Lesson Learned.
Twoapenny:
Hi Ales,
I can relate to all of that, as for years my mum kept claiming I was abusing my son and caused us no end of problems through his early years with social workers and various other professionals getting involved. I did realise that the only way I could stop it from happening again was to have absolutely no contact with her or anyone else she knew. I knew that even being in contact with my aunts (her sisters) meant she could say "well I spoke to my sister and she told me Tup did x, y and z". It would have been fabricated but we would still have been investigated again and it's very distressing.
The forgiveness thing is a tough one because I think not having your mum in your life is very hard. It just seems to me to be a natural thing to have the person that brought you into the world involved with you so when abuse makes that impossible it leaves a very big hole. I found I reached out to my mum several times as I started to get better and cope better with the things she had done. I think a part of me was still hoping that she'd have changed and that she'd have realised what she lost and amended her ways. I now understand that she can't change her behaviour any more than I can change the colour of my eyes. It is what she does and always has been.
I was listening to a nice meditation about forgiveness; they were talking about it not meaning that you have to be in contact with the person or condone what they had done but more that you accept it happened and try not to let it poison your life. I think forgiveness is easier said than done; I'm closer to it now than I have been in the past. I'm trying to forgive myself for things that I've done and not being perfect throughout my life and I'm finding that as hard as forgiving other people!
Ales2:
--- Quote ---I can relate to all of that, as for years my mum kept claiming I was abusing my son and caused us no end of problems through his early years with social workers and various other professionals getting involved. I did realise that the only way I could stop it from happening again was to have absolutely no contact with her or anyone else she knew. I knew that even being in contact with my aunts (her sisters) meant she could say "well I spoke to my sister and she told me Tup did x, y and z". It would have been fabricated but we would still have been investigated again and it's very distressing.
--- End quote ---
yes, yes, all true. I remember reading your posts about it a long time ago. I guess the good part is social workers are now more savvy and realize that vindictive people use false allegations as a form of harassment.
One ironic point is that while visiting she really insulted me when talking about my work (or lack thereof at one point) and made a comment about needing a third party... lol she got one ...
Anyway, I did forgive and I still agree with what Dyer said about it. Im still working on that. My inner life is getting better all the time, now I just need to get the outer life in alignment, that is where I am still having trouble.
Thanks for your posts and comments!
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