Having Trouble Being Ordinary

[Twoapenny]

Hello you lot.

I am having a lot of 'realisations' at the moment and wanted to scribble them down before I forget or dismiss them.

I have realised how much I exist in a fantasy world inside my head.  There is a sort of film running of how my life ought to be and what I keep imagining it's like - and it's very different from the reality.  In it, I'm young, attractive, slim, popular, adored by a wonderful man and have a beautiful home, lovely children, a good job, lots of money and so on.  I've had that sort of image in my head for years, of what life will be like 'one day'.  The reality is I'm in my 40s, overweight, unfit, would be more attractive if I made an effort, haven't been on a date in years and rent a run down house on a horrible estate in a really unpleasant area that I detest (not least because my mum lives across the road).  We're always very short of cash, I've not been out to work for over a decade (despite the fact I'm professionally qualified) and the only bit of my fantasy life that is true is that I have a beautiful son who I adore.

I've also realised that I'm constantly, constantly on the alert for criticisms people can make about me.  I'm acutely aware of how I look and sound, what I say, how I behave and the way I come across.  My first thought (when asked a question) is what the other person wants me to say.  I am really in desperate need of telling my so called friends how terribly lonely I am and how let down I feel that so few of them call or visit (or return my calls when I ring them) but what stops me is knowing that I might make them feel guilty.  So I carry this enormous burden constantly and the root of all of it is that I mustn't upset anyone or inconvenience them, or make them feel bad about themselves.

I feel a desperate need to be outstanding in some way - either in terms of my personality, being terribly kind and loving, doing an amazing job with my son, holding down an amazing job, coping with my son's disability without complaining - something to make me special and stand out from the crowd.

The truth is my life is very mundane and very, very ordinary.  It's just like millions of other people's - just getting through the day as best I can.  I always had this thing in my mind that one day I would do something truly amazing and everyone would think I was brilliant.  Of course it's never happened, and it probably never will (unless I have some incredible undiscovered talent that no-one knows about!!!!!).

So all of this has been whizzing around in my head for the last few days.  I have been trying very hard to live in the moment but my brain really detests that!  I find it so hard to do, because the moment is just so ORDINARY!!  And the thought of being just an ordinary, regular person just doesn't seem to fit with me - even though it's what I am.

Thank you for listening xx

[Hopalong]

Oh bravo, Tupp.

What a deeply authentic and empowering post.

I think some peace is on the other side of this kind of thinking.

I really do.

love
Hops

[Meh]

Well that is a ferkload of honesty .... if you can see yourself that sharply then at least you are not really deluding yourself.

I spent the greater part of my day in Skype with some guy who lives in Indiana debating philosophy and religion and politics because I don't have a life.. yep ruining my eyeballs on this screen time   

life is just somehow intensely disappointing for many folks I think

[teartracks]

Twoapenny - Reading your post, I hear the voice of a loving mother, and a talented communicator who is honest and sincere.  Those are not ordinary traits.  The vessel that is you is filled with a treasure trove of amazing traits, gifts and talents - that's what I believe !

[river]

Well I recon ordinary + real is the new beautiful. 

x 

[Twoapenny]

Hi everyone,

Well thank you for all your posts and responses, it's really helped a lot and made me feel heard and welcome, so thank you

I've spent the week trying to be ordinary.  No wonder I don't do it, it's bloody horrible!

I've cried a lot and there's been a lot of thinking and soul searching.  I find it really, really hard to keep my head where it really is (in the here and now) and there have been plenty of times this week where I've lost myself in books or films, just to escape.  But I am coming back to it each time and working on it.  Have felt pretty dreadful - really foggy headed and lots of feeling sick but that's starting to lift now - an emotional release, maybe?  Or a bug?  Who knows!

I'm also trying to move forward and just get on with things.  I plan to such an extent that things don't get done - I'm so worried about getting it right that small things become huge and just get left.  I'm also starting to try to trust other people to do things for me.  So for example, I had to send a whole lot of paperwork off to the solicitor again.  It takes me forever, I'm so worried about missing some tiny detail that will ruin the whole case that eventually she ends up chasing me and telling me to hurry up.  So .....I'm trying to keep in mind that she's a professional, she's on our side and if there is a problem, she knows she can come back to me to check and clarify if necessary.  Feels weird - but it's bundled up and ready to post and I've sent the email off so it's done now.

Am also trying to make day to day life more comfortable and not keep endlessly planning for some disaster in the future.  In that vein, I've ordered a new mattress for my bed, bought a new sofa (second hand but good condition and pretty, new to me!) and I'm redecorating the spare room with a view to moving into it.  This will sound so weird - but I can see the side wall of the bedroom I was abused in from my bedroom window now.  I know.  To most people the proximity I share with my family and so many bad memories and bad places is weird, probably to the point of creepy.  But on some level I feel that I'd buried it all so deep that I really needed it all in my face to be able to work through it and deal with it.  Coming to the end of that now, though, still hoping to move at some point in the reasonably near future.  And don't want to look at my old house any more so I'm moving to the back bedroom where I can't see it.

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

That is fantastic.
What a smart and healing decision, Tupp.

I bet that cut visual thread will help more of the unconscious
ties that bind you to unravel...

I can relate to escaping into films and also to the struggle
to deal with the present.

Cheering you on,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Twoapenny - what marvellous work.  I am happy for you.
Step by step you are moving forward.

Well done.

[teartracks]

Way to go Twoapeny!  You took on a new and pleasing project, redecorating the spare room for you.  You jettisoned three items, your old sofa, your old mattress, and the view of the old wall.  (Good)Memories are made of this.  

[Twoapenny]

Thank you everyone, you help me so much, thank you.

I'm completely exhausted.  I think there's some massive emotional stuff going on at some level.  I sat on my bed after lunch just to rest my eyes and woke up four hours later.  The bed, with new mattress, is in my new room.  There's still bits to paint and curtains and pictures to put up, but the main bit is done, all the old furniture is in the garden to be collected tomorrow and the new sofa should be arriving tomorrow afternoon.  I sent the paperwork off to the solicitor and I've had to put in a complaint about our doctor who is dragging his heels over some medical things my son needs.  I still really dread standing up to people and upsetting them but it's done now and I did feel better as soon as I'd posted it.

I have realised that to live in the real world I need to interact with real people and I really need to try to find a way to have some actual physical contact on a daily basis.  I feel completely devoid of human love and affection and it really isn't healthy.  I've found a couple more groups to try and I've only got a couple of friends I enjoy hanging out with, to be honest, but I'm going to try and spend a bit more time with them.  I'm also trying to let my good friends know how much I appreciate them more openly, I realised I don't tend to say "thanks for being a good friend" very often so I'm trying to do that a bit more.

Tired and sleepy and ready for bed!  Thank you all for being there xx

[teartracks]

Aren't those sorely needed, long, spontaneous naps yummy!

Your resolve is inspiring. 

tt


 

[Twoapenny]

Aren't those sorely needed, long, spontaneous naps yummy!

Your resolve is inspiring. 

tt

TT, thank you so much.  I have my son to try and improve myself for, it's him that keeps me moving forward.  I have a lot to thank him for!

You are right about those naps, I just hadn't realised how utterly exhausted I've been for years now.  I rented a box set from the library yesterday and spent the entire day curled up on my new sofa and only moved to cook food and get more drinks.  Today has been lazy as well.  I've just felt for so long that sitting down is a terribly bad thing to do.  Isn't it funny how we create these things for ourselves.  So much pressure, so silly.

The being perfect thing is still with me and stops me from living my life.  I enjoy yoga and have a DVD at home, but I hardly ever do it because I have this thing in my head that I ought to be up doing it at 5am so I can fit in an hour.  So I just did ten minutes this afternoon.  Feel better just for that little bit.  Really trying to be a bit more proactive and a bit less hard on myself all the time.  I am definitely becoming a fan of lazy days!

 

[Twoapenny]

You are right about those naps, I just hadn't realised how utterly exhausted I've been for years now.  I rented a box set from the library yesterday and spent the entire day curled up on my new sofa and only moved to cook food and get more drinks.  Today has been lazy as well.  I've just felt for so long that sitting down is a terribly bad thing to do.  Isn't it funny how we create these things for ourselves.  So much pressure, so silly.

The being perfect thing is still with me and stops me from living my life.  I enjoy yoga and have a DVD at home, but I hardly ever do it because I have this thing in my head that I ought to be up doing it at 5am so I can fit in an hour.  So I just did ten minutes this afternoon.  Feel better just for that little bit.  Really trying to be a bit more proactive and a bit less hard on myself all the time.  I am definitely becoming a fan of lazy days!

I know the feeling all too well.  I remember my grandfather coming from town one day (he liked to palaver with the merchants on these trips when he had freedom from my crusty grandmother) with this quote.  I never forgot it.  It's a shame I never adopted the wisdom of it.  I either stand (busy) or I lie down - no in between...

Never run when you can walk.
Never walk when you can stand.
Never stand when you can sit.
Never sit when you can lay down.
Never lay down when you can sleep.

I've been tired (abnormally so) for about a dozen years.  As I've aged it morphed into deep, deep, deep exhaustion.  Finally it appears I accidentally stumbled upon the cause.  Adrenal fatigue.  I read the symptoms after hearing a radio report about it.  I kept reading and sure enough the symptoms
fit me.  It took a while to find an integrative medicine doctor who understood the dang thing.  I think, I hope, I believe I'm getting treatment that will get me back to an age appropriate level of fatigue.  I had become so discouraged. 

I'm glad your new room and new view are bringing you comfort. 


 

Yes, adrenal fatigue!  I read something about it and it fitted with me exactly!  It's to do with long term stress, isn't it, being constantly in fight or flight mode?  I have recently started taking supplements - iron, vitamin c, vitamin B6 and magnesium.  I feel calmer and more relaxed (as shown by being able to sit down all day yesterday!).

I love those sayings of your grandfather.  Definitely something to think about and take on board.  Thank you

[Twoapenny]

I think being unordinary was how I escaped.  I can remember always being in another world even as a kid.  I was forever away in my own mind and spent endless hours reading, all night, sometimes.

And then through adult life I have chopped and changed jobs, houses, boyfriends, friends, approaches, perspectives, whenever I wanted to.  It's been jump, jump, jump all the way.

And now I'm not jumping I feel terribly sad, terribly anxious and like a complete failure.  I feel resigned to a life that I didn't want and don't enjoy.  I'm struggling to find joy in anything I see or do at the moment.  Nothing feels right.  Nothing is as I would like it to be.  I feel alone and unlikeable.  A phase, I'm sure, but not one that I'm enjoying.