Having Trouble Being Ordinary

[Hopalong]

I understand, (((((((((((Tupp)))))))))).
Your imagination was your truest friend, but in the living itself, it was much harder.

Don't give up. You can weather this.
You will come through with a perspective that sustains you.

I feel so confident about that.

love to you
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hops and TT, thank you both so much.  I can't tell you how much support and comfort I get from the words of people who I know truly understand, you know?

I am starting to pick up again, I think the depths of darkness that still come up from time to time suprise me - so intense and sometimes such huge revelations and realisations.  So much pain, and yet we carry it with us for so long, don't we, and still manage to raise our kids and go to work and do the 'normal' stuff.  Amazing, really.

But yes, things are starting to level out again.  My car broke down yesterday.  A friend came to collect my son while I waited for the breakdown lorry, my sister happened to be driving past and stopped to see if I was okay and then a friend's husband came to look at the car for me today, it's not worth repairing but he knows of a cheap one and is going to see if he can get it for me, I have experienced a lot of kindness from ordinary people!  It is not a bad thing to be, I think I just haven't done it before!  So it's new, and therefore scary, I suppose.

I am trying to pluck up the courage to ask out a man I know a little.  He has done some work on the house a few times and is very sweet and kind.  I can't quite get myself to do it yet.

Thank you both for your words and your kindness xx

[Twoapenny]

Hops and TT, thank you both so much.  I can't tell you how much support and comfort I get from the words of people who I know truly understand, you know?

I am starting to pick up again, I think the depths of darkness that still come up from time to time suprise me - so intense and sometimes such huge revelations and realisations.  So much pain, and yet we carry it with us for so long, don't we, and still manage to raise our kids and go to work and do the 'normal' stuff.  Amazing, really.

But yes, things are starting to level out again.  My car broke down yesterday.  A friend came to collect my son while I waited for the breakdown lorry, my sister happened to be driving past and stopped to see if I was okay and then a friend's husband came to look at the car for me today, it's not worth repairing but he knows of a cheap one and is going to see if he can get it for me, I have experienced a lot of kindness from ordinary people!  It is not a bad thing to be, I think I just haven't done it before!  So it's new, and therefore scary, I suppose.

I am trying to pluck up the courage to ask out a man I know a little.  He has done some work on the house a few times and is very sweet and kind.  I can't quite get myself to do it yet.

Thank you both for your words and your kindness xx

So how are things with the car and that sweet guy?  Or am I butting in?
tt

Ha ha, no, not butting in at all, TT, thanks for asking   Mr Maintenance Man isn't due back until the end of the month.  That will be the last of the work that needs doing so if he says no there won't be an embarrassing meeting at a later date when he comes back to finish some jobs off!  I'm not brave enough to ask him directly and don't want to do it that way because you can bet your life something will happen with my son at just that moment and I won't get the chance to anyway!  So I'm going to write him a thank you note and just add that if he'd like a drink one evening here's my number, and hand it to him as he leaves.  The idea of it really scares me.  I am really bad with rejection and, of course, he might be married/have a girlfriend/gay/not interested.  But I do need to do something to get myself out of this rut I am in so I'm hoping a little note isn't too pathetic??!!

The car was irreparable so I've got a new one, again organised by someone else who knew someone else - more kindness and people doing good things for me.   I know I wrote on a thread here ages ago about something that a therapist did with me once.  It was a situation I had to imagine, something along the lines of I went to a party, met ten people, seven liked me, three didn't, how did I feel?  It hit me like a train, the thought of three people not liking me was soooooooooo completely unacceptable I honestly had trouble breathing and it was clearly a big issue for me (the seven people that liked me didn't register at all, it was the three that didn't that consumed me).

And I think I still have a problem with that.  I focus a huge amount on people who don't phone, don't text, don't visit, don't want to get together - yet I meet with and chit chat to people all the  time who are kind, sweet, caring - imperfect and ordinary, but definitely the sort of people I should be focusing on more.  Yet for some reason I crave the ones who don't want me the most.  I think perhaps I've been so sensitive? scared? of 'the sort of people who cause me problems' that I've focused on that and not enough on the ordinary people who are a perfectly good mixture of good, bad and indifferent, as we all are.  So I think I need to really work on changing my focus.  And aside from all of that, the new car was very cheap and it's great (it has cup holders, which my son thinks are 'awesome')

[Hopalong]

Aha. Deep-thinking Tupp is back in gear...good for you!
And thank you so much for repeating that exercise from
your T -- that is a big help to me.

I relate and understand the fixating and yearning about
the unavailable people (or those available so strictly on their
own terms that the relationship feels kind of 90-10...). I
go there too sometimes.

For me, I realize that definitely some Mother-things are
triggered when I feel less than embraced by someone.
Especially someone who feels "desirable" because they're,
I dunno, seemingly so much more satisfied with themselves
than I am with me.

I project a lot that doesn't belong there.

One of my favorite UU principles is "The inherent worth
and dignity of every person." If I believe that, then it applies
to me too, eh? So, when I yearn around or obsess over rejection,
what I'm saying is -- I have less inherent worth and dignity than
the object of my yearning.

And that is not true. If I have just as much, then it only makes
sense for me to remind myself to gravitate instead to those
who DO respond.

It's working for me, too, to look around the party and see
at least seven smiles.

love to you,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Aha. Deep-thinking Tupp is back in gear...good for you!
And thank you so much for repeating that exercise from
your T -- that is a big help to me.

I relate and understand the fixating and yearning about
the unavailable people (or those available so strictly on their
own terms that the relationship feels kind of 90-10...). I
go there too sometimes.

For me, I realize that definitely some Mother-things are
triggered when I feel less than embraced by someone.
Especially someone who feels "desirable" because they're,
I dunno, seemingly so much more satisfied with themselves
than I am with me.

I project a lot that doesn't belong there.

One of my favorite UU principles is "The inherent worth
and dignity of every person." If I believe that, then it applies
to me too, eh? So, when I yearn around or obsess over rejection,
what I'm saying is -- I have less inherent worth and dignity than
the object of my yearning.

And that is not true. If I have just as much, then it only makes
sense for me to remind myself to gravitate instead to those
who DO respond.

It's working for me, too, to look around the party and see
at least seven smiles.

love to you,
Hops

Thanks, Hops

It's definitely some mother-things at times, isn't it?!  I feel I ought to work harder with people who aren't interested and then I pass by on people who are!  Crazy.

I've started keeping a kindness diary and I'm writing down any nice thing or contact with anyone during the course of my day.  I have a massive focus on what didn't happen, rather than on what did, I've realised.  So I thought if I wrote down all the good things that did it might help re-train my brain to notice things more and not fret about the other stuff so much.

I also realise I have a thing in my head of what friendships ought to be like, and it's so rigid it's no wonder hardly anyone fits the bill!  And I'm like it on myself as well, I feel like I have to be a certain way for some people and I can't just have a bit of time where I don't fancy hanging out with them or don't want to talk about x, y or z.  If I'm in a bad mood I blame it on someone else's behaviour - I think it's as if I can't just be in a bad mood, there has to be a reason and it has to be someone else's fault?  I can't just be moody sometimes and accept that I am, at times, a moody cow.  It's hard to get my head around that I could have friends who don't mind me being a moody cow sometimes.  I've always felt so strongly that I have to be permanently switched to nice.

And yes, other people being desirable is a big thing with me - the right people, the right crowd, the right life style.  I really need to think about that and move away from it.

In other news - I've tried to step up the amount of exercise I do.  It does help with my self-confidence, I find, and I want to find something I can aim for, like a charity sports event or something.  Don't know what yet, I'm keeping my eyes open, but I've started going out when my son's at club, walking for now but I'm building up to running, would like to do more of that.

[Twoapenny]

Well Mr Maintenance man came out yesterday and finished of the last of the work on the house.  He was, as always, very sweet and kind, we chatted quite a bit, there was a lot of laughing and it just felt nice to be around him.  I gave him a little thank you card when he left, thanking him for all his hard work and saying that if he fancied a drink one evening to give me a ring, then put my mobile number.

I've not heard from him and, in these days of mobiles, I think most people would have sent a quick text at some point, even if just to say, got your message, will ring later or thanks but no thanks.  So I'm assuming that a date will not be forthcoming.

What I'm noticing from this is that experiencing this small rejection (perceived or otherwise) really highlights for me how empty my life is and how alone I feel.  It seems to really emphasise it and make the general difficulty with which I experience things seem more acute (and therefore more difficult to deal with).  I think this might be why I find it so hard to reach out to people - if it doesn't go the way I want it to I find it very difficult to deal with and find myself feeling very sad and lonely.  I feel the same when I come back from group things that we do where I've been around people I don't really want to hang out with (thank you for the tips on the other thread, I will update that one when I get online again later!).  I think those difficulties with people make me shy away from people in general.  The good interactions seem to be less than the not so good.  Or perhaps I just feel the not so good ones more keenly, I don't know.

Anyway - onwards and upwards.  We are going out for a walk after lunch.  There are two very lovely people at the sailing club we go to and I am going to suggest swapping numbers so that we can meet up from time to time over the winter (as sailing only runs from April to October).  There is a political group I feel quite affiliated towards so I may see if I can get a babysitter one night when they have a meeting on.  I feel the need to be around the like minded!

Thank you for all your input and thoughts, it really does help me, especially at times like this when I feel like the only person on the earth!

[Hopalong]

YOO-hoo....
waving from the shore, waaaaay across the Atlantic...

I see you, Tupp! (Waving more excitedly...)

You are NOT alone!

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

YOO-hoo....
waving from the shore, waaaaay across the Atlantic...

I see you, Tupp! (Waving more excitedly...)

You are NOT alone!

hugs
Hops

Thanks, Hops.  What a waver   It means a lot to be able to come here and spill.  It has made me realise how I really detach from and avoid reality.  Like walking on eggshells the whole time.  But I do think each time I try it lifts another layer, even if it's painful to do.  I went to my son's sports club tonight (with the annoying women) and do you know, it wasn't annoying!  I managed to get another mum to come and sit alongside me and just that one extra person really changed the dynamic and the tone of the conversation - funny how that happens.  So I drank my coffee, enjoyed a chat, found out a bit about the country this particular lady comes from and watched my son do his thing.  Felt so much more relaxed than I have done there for ages.  Something definitely shifted, although I spent the morning sobbing but sometimes I think that just needs to come out from somewhere, maybe these unpleasant experiences are there to jolt the stuff out we need to get rid of?  Anyway, whatever the reasons I massively appreciate the waving xx

[Gaining Strength]

I'm sorry you didn't hear back from him. It is a terrible feeling to put yourself out there and to not be received in kind. But I love the plans you have concerning the sailing club and the political group.  Those sound  quite positive.  You already know you have something in common in both instances.

I'm wishing you the best.

[Twoapenny]

I'm sorry you didn't hear back from him. It is a terrible feeling to put yourself out there and to not be received in kind. But I love the plans you have concerning the sailing club and the political group.  Those sound  quite positive.  You already know you have something in common in both instances.

I'm wishing you the best.

Thanks, GS.  It's funny, I felt quite awful about not hearing from him but now I feel quite glad because it gave me the push I needed to join a slimming group and I went for the first time last week, it was fab!  Nicest bunch of people I've met for a long time, very welcoming to my boy, the diet's easy to follow and I've stuck to it over the weekend, already feel better in myself (although too early to have lost any weight!).  And it was feeling so awful about him not calling that made me feel the need to do something so it was obviously what I needed.  By strange coincidence, I also got an email over the weekend from the political group I am interested in, they have just set up a branch near me and have invited me to go along.  Feel like the universe is lining things up for me at the minute.  I am trying to see difficult situations as things that are good in the long run because in each situation I always get to a point eventually where it becomes clear it was a good thing that it didn't go the way I wanted it to, I just find the intensity of the emotions at the time so hard to deal with.

Thank you for the support and the feedback xx

[Twoapenny]

Well still trying to live in the real world and not in my mind and it's hard!  But I am battling through and, I think, starting to feel more settled.

I've joined a slimming group (I might have mentioned this already) and so far have lost half a stone (just over 3 kilos).  It's a healthy eating diet rather than a weird faddy one; eat as much as you like of fruit, veg, lean meat and fish and then you can have all the other stuff but in set amounts so you're not overdoing.  I have found it very difficult to stick to, mostly because sugar and junk had become my drug of choice and without them I have had to face up to some more of my emotional stuff and that has been hard, but I'm a month in now and I'm starting to get the hang of it.

I had realised I felt I had no direction or control over my life because of my son's health problems as what I do is entirely dependent on how he is at the time and my life always felt like I was doing things because I had to rather than doing what I wanted to.  So I am trying now to break the 'duty' role I have cast for myself and I'm trying to rotate the necessary boring stuff with things that I enjoy.  I find that hard, dancing round the kitchen when the dishes need washing feels naughty and that makes me feel scared but I am really trying.  So far I've finished one patchwork panel for a footstool cover I'm making, I've learnt to play three notes on a guitar I got from Freecycle (I don't know if you have that in the States but people list things they don't want anymore and you get them for free), I have written about ten pages of 'the book' I've been wanting to write for the last twenty years and my son and I went to the beach and ate icecream in the rain   I'm really noticing critical voices every time I do it but I am arguing back and pushing myself ahead.  I'm not feeling so lonely anymore, perhaps I needed to spend more time with me and not other people?  Maybe that's what being lonely's all about?

Winter is starting to set in here but it's still quite mild considering.  I've pea shoots coming up which I'm quite excited about as our soil is really poor and this is my third attempt at growing veg so hopefully we'll get something this year!  I've ordered some little solar lights for the garden and a chimenea so I can sit outside in the evenings, it's dark now by 5pm but we have an amazing view of the stars most evenings and the most glorious full moons so I really want to sit out there some nights without freezing my bits off.

Life is good.  Hard, but I feel like I'm getting somewhere and I feel like I'm working hard for me rather than other people, if that makes any sense?

[Hopalong]

I hear creativity, renewal and openness to life!

Spring can happen any season...sounds very impressive, Tupp.

I need a lot of those lessons you're enjoying -- savoring and creating during
my own downtime, not escaping.

OH, those stars. No wonder you're such a thinker.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I hear creativity, renewal and openness to life!

Spring can happen any season...sounds very impressive, Tupp.

I need a lot of those lessons you're enjoying -- savoring and creating during
my own downtime, not escaping.

OH, those stars. No wonder you're such a thinker.

love
Hops

Thanks, Hops   I am finding I'm escaping through these enjoyable things but in a more connected way, if that makes any sense?  I've just finished the second square of my footstool cover and it's put me in a much better mood to go and tackle the tedious but necessary stuff that I do need to get done today or there won't be any clean clothes for tomorrow or tea tonight   But I think it's balance, isn't it, and having to prod yourself to do it even when those old messages are calling you a lazy shirker

Stars - I love stars.  I've been reading more about the cosmos in general - we are such a tiny, insignificant part of the overall picture that it's helping me to look at my life differently and to concentrate on getting enjoyment out of it rather than trying to 'do the right thing' all the time.  Mind blowing and fascinating at the same time.

I hope you are well and that you get that lovely downtime soon

[Twoapenny]

I think something in me has genuinely changed??!!

I've always leapt to attention when people are having a bad time.  I've always put others before myself and, even being aware of that and trying to change it, I found it difficult and had to really work at it (and put up with doing the 'right' thing even though it made me feel bad).  I found it difficult to say no and saying "I'm too busy" always felt alien to me.  But................................I recently had an email from a friend, who is in the category of 'gets in touch when she is having a bad time'.  Other than that I don't hear from her.  At one point I'd have responded to this email immediately, along with phone calls, offers of help, flowers, you name it.  In recent years I'd have responded to the email and felt bad about not doing the other stuff, but held back from doing it.  And now.......I have no inclination to respond at all.  Isn't that funny?!  Feeling like that always makes me worry I'm getting selfish and bitter, which is not how I want to be, but I thought about some other friends - two way friendships, who I see or speak to just for a chat and a catch up - and yes, if they got in touch with a problem I'd still be happy to listen, because we do other things too.  But no desire in me to respond to this (indirect) plea for attention.  I think this is good, yes?

[teartracks]

Hi Twoapenny,

Was it Prince Ranier who said about his bride to be, Grace Kelley, "She's an ordinary woman who makes me feel extraordinary"? Or was it the other way around?  Not sure...

tt