Author Topic: Recent deaths  (Read 4438 times)

lighter

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Recent deaths
« on: August 15, 2014, 05:11:46 PM »
Recently, and within months of each other, I lost the best friend I wanted to bring to this board, a healer in my life who's been there for me through thick and thin, someone I enjoyed working side by side with very much, and a very wise depended upon cabinet member I'll miss very much.

I'll miss them all very much.

My mother's been struggling with stage IV breast cancer, with mets to the liver and spleen, for over 3 years. 

One of my remaining best friends is almost 85 years old, and it will be a year before she can make the move near me, if at all.

I write this for myself, as a touchstone to where I am right now.

I'm back in the State my children want to live in.  I have my children in a great new school, small, and perfect, and run by people from our old school, but with State funding this time, and no cost to the students.  It's amazing, and feels right.......

and here we are.    The easiest move of my life.  It's good.

Endings, and new beginnings, and in betweens all mashed up together. 

It's life.

That's my update for now.

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Recent deaths
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2014, 09:30:13 PM »
Lighter, I'm so sorry.
That's a lot of loss.
Grief and anticipated grief,
sounds like this is a hard season.

I'm also so sorry you had to leave your new home?
But hope you're happy to be back in familiar turf, enjoying
those city things too.

Did I understand it right? Garden? New home? Left now?
You have actually moved again?

If so, my sympathies...

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Izzy_*now*

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Re: Recent deaths
« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2014, 09:22:40 PM »
(((lighter)))

My sympathies on the passing of your friends, and the precariousness of the others.

I was wondering about your girls, growing up and home schooled, but now I know how the passage time changes things.

It's the "squished between life and death" that is the hard part!

You been through the grinder and come out whole. More power to you!

Love
Izzy
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"

lighter

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Re: Recent deaths
« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2014, 10:28:33 PM »
Hi Hops, and Izz:

Yes, we moved again.  Not a bad thing.  A necessary thing, I think.

The children are happy, and settled, and back in familiar territory.

We love our new place, and there will be plenty of opportunity to work in friend's gardens, even if I don't have my own right now.  I can also do pots, which I adore.

I'm loving all over ferns right now, and the morning's are cool.  We're looking forward to fall, and the children are happily chattering about what they'll be this Halloween.  I LOVE Halloween, and here it comes!

The update on my mom is 3 steps back 2 steps forward.  She's down to 90lbs, which is a lot of lost weight for her.  She's the rebound kid, I will tell you that.  An amazing woman, and I'm so lucky to have had these last few years to really be present with her. 

Lighter

lighter

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Re: Recent deaths
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2014, 11:21:42 PM »
I'm very sad tonight.

Mom had a bad day, and hasn't taken anything to drink or eat.

She's done fighting.  It's going to be over in a  matter of hours or days at the most now.

Very sad.

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Recent deaths
« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2014, 08:52:08 PM »
((((((((((((((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Tsunamis...

of love and light.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Izzy_*now*

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Re: Recent deaths
« Reply #6 on: August 30, 2014, 08:51:48 AM »
(((((((((lighter))))))))))

love
Iz
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"

Lupita

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Re: Recent deaths
« Reply #7 on: September 01, 2014, 09:29:02 AM »
Dear Light,
You have been for me too. So in a way it is a boomerang. As Dr Phil would say, celebrate all the thousands of day they were alive and not dwell in the one day they died. I know, easy to say but very difficult to do.
I would say, I love you and if there is anything I can do, let me know.
Praying for you and your strength to endure pain, and for better times to arrive.
Love,
Lupita 

lighter

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Re: Recent deaths
« Reply #8 on: September 04, 2014, 02:06:14 PM »
OK....

though it appeared my mother wouldn't last more than hours or perhaps days at the most, she's living up to her nickname... The Come Back Kid.

No, she's not likely to recover.  She's not likely to live months, or years, but she's here, now, and she has touching lovely moments with the people who love her.   Every day, she's had wonderful, loving moments.

She has a quality of life that's amazing, and she's fighting hard, still.

Very briefly, I want to warn everyone about selecting a Hospice Service.  They aren't all the same, and anyone who needs their services needs to interview several, and get your terms up front.  The patient has rights, and they should be observed as long as their capable of asking for what they want.  The family should be respected, and their wishes should always be respected.  We've remedied a very bad situation, actually we're very lucky my mother survived it. 

Get your understanding in writing.  Make sure everyone's on the same page.  Make sure they aren't going to deny all comfort measures (including fluids) to your loved one, or yourself.  Get it in writing, whatever your wishes are, bc there are very good people out there doing very wrong things with good intentions, but in our case, very harmful intentions.

So, I get to hold my mother's hand tomorrow, and comfort her, and continue to laugh with her, and help give her the best possible death when her moment comes.

This morning mom was clean, sitting up, eating, and enjoying her favorite tv show..... just like Christmas: )
Lighter
ps  Is anyone surprised to hear that the first hospice service was a nightmare that almost killed my mother?  Honestly, I'm still gobsmacked it happened, but ready to just go back to making Mom feel safe, and comforted.


Twoapenny

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Re: Recent deaths
« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2014, 02:56:21 PM »
Oh Lighter I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, you must be such a comfort to your mum and I'm glad you got the hospice sorted out (I've heard amazing stories and awful ones, so difficult to deal with these things when there's so much else to cope with).

Thinking of you, lots of love xx

Izzy_*now*

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Re: Recent deaths
« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2014, 09:47:11 PM »
((((((((((((lighter)))))))))))))

I have been so waiting to hear from you and all. It appears you (your mother, God Bless Her) have dealt with both ends of the scale re Hospice Care. That is my biggest fear, as it takes ME all day to look after myself. Who is going to spend all day with me..... (just sayin`, as we never know what is ahead.)

Is your Mom comfortable, or in pain, or ½-way in between.

Thanks for the info so I can tell Karla.

I don`t expect to pop off tomorrow, but right now, the end is what is ahead for me, while I deal with the Wound Care Nurses, therapy and all my work being done for me.

The unknown is so unknown, but does your mom have certain beliefs and expectations ?

Love
iZZY
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"

mudpuppy

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Re: Recent deaths
« Reply #11 on: September 05, 2014, 12:48:01 AM »
If your mother is talking and laughing and eating and drinking she may very well have more than only weeks left.
God bless her. And her family.

mud

lighter

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Re: Recent deaths
« Reply #12 on: September 18, 2014, 08:49:30 PM »
Update....

my beautiful beloved mother passed away last week, and she did it her way, in her own time.

I believe I can honestly say...........

 I have no regrets about her passing. 

We had a celebration of her life, which was lovely and healing in ways that weren't clear until we were in the  midst of planning/celebrating/enjoying fellowship based on her joy, not our loss.

Lighter

 

Hopalong

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Re: Recent deaths
« Reply #13 on: September 18, 2014, 11:03:29 PM »
Oh (((((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))).
I am glad you have no regrets and that there were those
moments of joy and beauty in the farewell.

But I am so sorry you have lost her.

Love to you,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Recent deaths
« Reply #14 on: September 29, 2014, 11:55:01 AM »
Thanks for all the support......

truly this is a board of Amazons, and honorable Amazon Mud, of course.

I was reflecting on all the relationships I've lost, not just the 5 or so this year, but all of them, and it occurred to me that the ones that are gone, bc of pd dysfunction, and not bc of death or a long distance move or illness.....

are even harder make peace with.

Esp if it's bc the pd is toxic, or stalking us, or manufacturing chaos and crisis bc that's what they do.

I don't want to pretend they aren't any more.   

The next step is figuring out how to block out the stalkers, and the chaos/crisis makers.

Now,
when I pray to GOd to help me help myself, and see the truth more clearly,
I pray to my mother, and all the friends and loved one who have passed on.

It comforts me.

In this next phase of figuring out how to survive pd's, I hope they're listening.

Lighter