Tupps, I've been waiting for inspiration for 4 years! LOL.
At some point, one has to pick something and "just do it". I dunno what yet. And I'm not sure I'll be "left alone" long enough to do something that hasn't been tweaked here or there, based on someone else's unsolicited input. On the one hand, I am STILL trying to organize/decorate the house, since we moved (it'll be 5 years in Jan) and since it's "all hub's stuff" - that requires me "helping" him, motivating him, etc. That way, I have the space to work on something. Hubs brings something into the house, puts it down and that is where is stays -- for what seems like forever, to me. EVEN THO we have "assigned space" for that stuff. It's my same old gripe.
On the other hand, since it's supposed to be "our stuff"... I want to donate, toss, or put it where I think it should go -- and then, that steps on his toes, he claims he can't find anything (he doesn't know which cupboard pans & dishes & food are in... he says I keep moving things... which I do, to make room for the stuff we DO use). When I tell him, how being surrounded by these constant piles of paper, magazines, or his "stuff" affects me - how I feel there's no room for ME and that I don't matter; the neat/tidy - but lived in space that I want... he becomes all defensive, points out that "he's tried", I'm being too picky... he's tired... he doesn't feel good... (and it's because he doesn't do anything except acquire more STUFF)....
I tried giving him his own space to manage anyway he wants. He wants to "share" space, except for closets. And his stuff doesn't stay in his space, anyway -- he trots out shows me something and puts it down. And there it stays until I try to put it where I think it should go. I haven't really tried claiming my OWN room; my own space that he can't violate with his stuff. By default, the bedroom and sitting room, is about as close as I've gotten. Perhaps, that's the key; CLAIMING space(s).
Big circle jerk. Or dance, however one wants to look at it. Anyhow, it leaves me feeling like he only cares about his stuff and not about me. [An echo, from mom - plain as day. And I've TOLD him this, in so many words and that I don't wanna do that dance with him.] It is getting better - in spurts, gradually. But, at the base instinct level I think we're both looking at the other - expecting to be "taken care of" - have our needs to feel loved & secure met - mothered, in other words. And I really don't want to be ANYONE's "mommy" anymore. Been there done that - and helped get both my girls (and his) - into the adult level relationship with "mom".
His only obligation is his role as Treasurer (now) for our social group. All I'm asking for is that he take care of himself and his THINGS, like a grown up... so I'm not having to do what feels like most days -- "everything".
Negotiations are on-going. We're like two big babies looking for mom, and all there is - is each other. And each other's huge need. It could be a situation comedy, some days. This isn't really some power struggle. He is trying. I'm trying not to nag. But truthfully: there are days I just want to burn it all down except the camping gear because I feel like I can't breathe; any design choices I want to make -- he's right there with OTHER 15 choices that HE thinks would work... so even the creative energy -- is getting co-opted and edited and claimed and boundaries invaded -- and it's the old:
you're in a relationship; there shouldn't be any boundaries if you love me; and if you set a boundary -- I see: you don't love me. Which I then interpret as emotional blackmail... and around the circle we go again. Doh-see-doh.
Arrgh. I need to step out of the circle.
