Has this happened to any/all of you?

[Twoapenny]

Hi all,

Not been getting on the board all that often recently as trying to focus on life in the real world and stop hiding indoors!  I'm finding it hard but I feel like I'm moving forward; I feel I'm at least aware of more now and picking myself up when I need to, trying to change the way I think about things and trying to notice when I feel 'bad' and figure out why that is and move past it.

As you know, I've been trying to focus more on being 'ordinary' and doing 'ordinary' things with 'ordinary' people.  I think having high expectations has been a defence mechanism of mine, it keeps me from getting to know people and getting close to them so I do feel like some of the barriers are at least wobbling, even if they're not down yet.

But................I keep finding that I really, really want to see my mum.  I am thinking about her a lot, worrying about her - she's older now (70 this year so definite possibility of frailty, health problems and so on).  I keep finding I want to check on her, make sure she's alright.  I find myself wondering what she'll do when my step-dad dies; she'll be alone, what will happen?  Has she got enough money to live on, will she feed herself properly, that sort of thing.

Don't panic, I'm not going to go rushing round there.  The 'sensible' part of me knows she's still capable of doing terrible things and I'm not putting myself or my boy through that again.  But I've been very hardened towards my mum for a very long time now and this sudden thawing has freaked me out a little.  And so I just wondered if anyone else has been through similar in their own battle with their parent?

[Gaining Strength]

Yes. And I always gave into it. I don't think there is a right or wrong, only what you think you need to do.  Wishing you the best.

[Twoapenny]

Yes. And I always gave into it. I don't think there is a right or wrong, only what you think you need to do.  Wishing you the best.

Ah thanks, GS, it always really helps to know that other people have experienced similar feelings!  I used to seesaw back and forth to my mum as well, it took me years to go completely no contact with her.  I think what feels different now is that before it was part of the abuse/being abused cycle - like someone who keeps going back to a partner that knocks them around - but now it feels more like a healthy adult (me!) feeling what they would usually feel about their own mum - I suppose the difference being my mum isn't a healthy person to be around so it feels weird, she's done so much bad stuff but I'm finding myself feeling - generous? magnanimus? caring? towards her?  I'm not really sure how to describe the feelings, it feels quite complicated?

As I say I'm not rushing off round there - number one priority is my boy's safety.  But have been feeling a bit odd about it, it really helps to know others have or do feel the same so thank you

[Twoapenny]

It has just occured to me that I do tend to go into self destruct mode when things are going well.  Life has been better recently than it has for a long time - I'm wondering if my 'you don't deserve this' voice is going off and if hooking up with my mum would guarantee life would be dreadful again!  I will keep thinking on this!  But will definitely not be contacting her

[lighter]

Tupp....

My eyes kept darting back to the subject line, and who posted this thread, as I read your words.

Wow..... so unexpected, and poignant, and speaks to who you are, and your fall back position in life, I think.

I know you won't act on these thoughts, but will instead just sit with them, and listen to what they have to say.

Forgive, forgive, forgive.  EFT tap,, and forgive.  Forgive your mom, and keep working on cultivating a chosen family, worthy of your time, and attention. 

((((Tupp))))

Light

[Hopalong]

Wonderful thinking, Tupp...I'm so glad you're doing more DOING.
I am busting myself on too much hiding/avoiding, too.

As to the urge to contact your Mom. I don't know because I am not
there, but feel that only you can decide how dangerous she is to your
emotional wellbeing in the present. You know better than anyone what
it was like in the past....

At the same time, I also believe that sometimes, when one has become
healed and strong, compassion and even sometimes contact, with Ns is
possible. In my case, it cost me a lot, but at the very end...compassion
won and my care of her gave me peace.

I DONT think it was worth 10 years of my Cinderella-ing, but it took me those
10 years of study and therapy and struggle for me to just...become different.
She became de-monsterized. She was JUST as manipulative and emotionally
untrustworthy in general as she ever was. But at the same time, age made
her vulnerable, and I felt pity (the appropriate kind), and I did make better
boundaries.

All in all, I don't think I can advise anyone else, and am only perhaps
seeing my own scalding decade of mother-care in a revisionist, hindsight
kind of way. I do feel clean and complete, as far as being a daughter.

I don't know how haunted or not-haunted she was in her last days. I
did have one hugely validating moment with her when she openly acknowledged
my brother's treatment of me. It was astonishing how much that helped me.

Your mother? I dunno. If she's still in full faculties and vital AND toxic--
it might be unwise. And I liked your insight about creating new pain or
chaos, because your healing self and healthier self are also your UNFAMILIAR
selves--and to you, in an unconscious way, that is more "comfortable." Only
because it's very old, and familiar.

I take that back--it's not unconscious at all, really. Because you are pondering
it now and being open right now to a more protective way of thinking about
what's happening with those emotional impulses. Taking more caution with
your wellbeing.

I guess my main advice would be to keep checking in with yourself, trusting
your own strong mind and insights -- and do nothing on impulse. Or out of
strong emotion.

If in some while you find the recurring thoughts add up to you wanting to
make a gesture or make a change for your OWN current reasons, and you
feel balanced enough to set AND HOLD strong boundaries....you can always
make a new choice then.

No help, I'm afraid. But I'm not afraid for you...

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Tupp....

My eyes kept darting back to the subject line, and who posted this thread, as I read your words.

Wow..... so unexpected, and poignant, and speaks to who you are, and your fall back position in life, I think.

I know you won't act on these thoughts, but will instead just sit with them, and listen to what they have to say.

Forgive, forgive, forgive.  EFT tap,, and forgive.  Forgive your mom, and keep working on cultivating a chosen family, worthy of your time, and attention. 

((((Tupp))))

Light

Hi Lighter,

Thank you   Maybe it is forgiveness finally creeping in?  I also wondered if I need to work more on forgiving myself?  I was reading something during the week about sacrificing, which is linked to not being good enough (or more specifically, not feeling like you're good enough).  So you sacrifice and make yourself almost virtuous, and that way no-one can slate you or criticise you because you are doing so many good things.  The downside, of course, is that you are doing nothing for yourself so you just become more empty and alone.  And I found myself wondering if that plays a part in my thinking at the minute, if on some level I still feel that I am a 'bad'daughter and that I can somehow redeem myself at a later date?  It's weird, isn't it, when all of this stuff starts creeping in.

I have been concentrating on a 'good things' diary, just noticing and jotting down every good thing or nice deed that I experience, however small.  Working on cultivating friendships with 'ordinary' people.  Trying to practise being okay with rejection (if someone doesn't want to meet me for a walk it is okay, I'm not a bad person).  Trying to live in the hear and now, not the past or some perfect, idealised future.  Tricky!  Difficult.  Lots coming up and I'm not doing so well at times.  But hanging with it.  Thank you

[Twoapenny]

Wonderful thinking, Tupp...I'm so glad you're doing more DOING.
I am busting myself on too much hiding/avoiding, too.

As to the urge to contact your Mom. I don't know because I am not
there, but feel that only you can decide how dangerous she is to your
emotional wellbeing in the present. You know better than anyone what
it was like in the past....

At the same time, I also believe that sometimes, when one has become
healed and strong, compassion and even sometimes contact, with Ns is
possible. In my case, it cost me a lot, but at the very end...compassion
won and my care of her gave me peace.

I DONT think it was worth 10 years of my Cinderella-ing, but it took me those
10 years of study and therapy and struggle for me to just...become different.
She became de-monsterized. She was JUST as manipulative and emotionally
untrustworthy in general as she ever was. But at the same time, age made
her vulnerable, and I felt pity (the appropriate kind), and I did make better
boundaries.

All in all, I don't think I can advise anyone else, and am only perhaps
seeing my own scalding decade of mother-care in a revisionist, hindsight
kind of way. I do feel clean and complete, as far as being a daughter.

I don't know how haunted or not-haunted she was in her last days. I
did have one hugely validating moment with her when she openly acknowledged
my brother's treatment of me. It was astonishing how much that helped me.

Your mother? I dunno. If she's still in full faculties and vital AND toxic--
it might be unwise. And I liked your insight about creating new pain or
chaos, because your healing self and healthier self are also your UNFAMILIAR
selves--and to you, in an unconscious way, that is more "comfortable." Only
because it's very old, and familiar.

I take that back--it's not unconscious at all, really. Because you are pondering
it now and being open right now to a more protective way of thinking about
what's happening with those emotional impulses. Taking more caution with
your wellbeing.

I guess my main advice would be to keep checking in with yourself, trusting
your own strong mind and insights -- and do nothing on impulse. Or out of
strong emotion.

If in some while you find the recurring thoughts add up to you wanting to
make a gesture or make a change for your OWN current reasons, and you
feel balanced enough to set AND HOLD strong boundaries....you can always
make a new choice then.

No help, I'm afraid. But I'm not afraid for you...

love
Hops

Thank you, Hops   I love that word 'de-monsterized' (or does that count as two words?!).  But it really fits how things have been in my head lately.  I'm finding that when I think of my mum I think less now of how she hurt me and more of how she's been hurt (mostly by her own parents and then later on by her dodgy men and the drink).  Not in a condoning or 'oh okay, it's alright that you've caused so much pain' sort of a way but just, I suppose more understanding of why she is the way she is.

I won't be contacting her, I am very clear in my mind about that.  I am trying to let go of my need to control every situation all the time.  I still find emotions and feelings very difficult to cope with, good or bad, and I find myself trying to dampen them down and manage them a lot.  So I'm edging towards thinking it would be okay to find peace with my mum, to forgive her, to appreciate the bad things she's been through and to feel love for her - without every contacting her or being around her again.  Maybe that works?

As an aside, I do think, if she were alone and ill, that I would not be able to do nothing at all.  I don't think I can leave anyone in a situation like that, I am just not made of that sort of stuff (no offense to anyone who is).  But I think, again, that's an example of me needing to control things.  She's getting to an age where it might be an issue so that makes me anxious and my need to control that means I have to have a plan in place.  So I'm trying to get into that mindset of dealing with things when it's necessary and not dealing with what hasn't happened yet.

I am hoping very much that if we all live many lives that I have done enough learning in this one to be born into a nice family next time and not have all this messy head stuff to deal with!!

[lighter]

Tupp....

My eyes kept darting back to the subject line, and who posted this thread, as I read your words.

Wow..... so unexpected, and poignant, and speaks to who you are, and your fall back position in life, I think.

I know you won't act on these thoughts, but will instead just sit with them, and listen to what they have to say.

Forgive, forgive, forgive.  EFT tap,, and forgive.  Forgive your mom, and keep working on cultivating a chosen family, worthy of your time, and attention. 

((((Tupp))))

Light

Hi Lighter,
 
Thank you   Maybe it is forgiveness finally creeping in?  I also wondered if I need to work more on forgiving myself?  I was reading something during the week about sacrificing, which is linked to not being good enough (or more specifically, not feeling like you're good enough). Absolutely, Tupp.  I'm trying to incorporate EFT tapping..... esp the inner eyebrow pressure point, along with affirmations of forgiveness for myself.... whenever.  For whatever.  It will be slow, but it's one thing that helps our vets move through PTS, and I've been told by our current doc it works.  Google and see if it makes sense for you. So you sacrifice and make yourself almost virtuous, and that way no-one can slate you or criticise you because you are doing so many good things.  The downside, of course, is that you are doing nothing for yourself so you just become more empty and alone. Yup yup yup.  That needs attention, and I can so clearly see it for myself, as well.  One step at a time.  We add something for ourselves, and try to stick with it till it becomes habit. And I found myself wondering if that plays a part in my thinking at the minute, if on some level I still feel that I am a 'bad'daughter and that I can somehow redeem myself at a later date?  It's weird, isn't it, when all of this stuff starts creeping in. ::Tap tap tap.... tap tap tap::...

I have been concentrating on a 'good things' diary, just noticing and jotting down every good thing or nice deed that I experience, however small.  Working on cultivating friendships with 'ordinary' people.  Trying to practise being okay with rejection (if someone doesn't want to meet me for a walk it is okay, I'm not a bad person).  Trying to live in the hear and now, not the past or some perfect, idealised future.  Tricky!  Difficult.  Lots coming up and I'm not doing so well at times.  But hanging with it.  Thank you   Well, we're hanging here with you, Tupp; )
Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Tupp....

My eyes kept darting back to the subject line, and who posted this thread, as I read your words.

Wow..... so unexpected, and poignant, and speaks to who you are, and your fall back position in life, I think.

I know you won't act on these thoughts, but will instead just sit with them, and listen to what they have to say.

Forgive, forgive, forgive.  EFT tap,, and forgive.  Forgive your mom, and keep working on cultivating a chosen family, worthy of your time, and attention. 

((((Tupp))))

Light

Hi Lighter,
 
Thank you   Maybe it is forgiveness finally creeping in?  I also wondered if I need to work more on forgiving myself?  I was reading something during the week about sacrificing, which is linked to not being good enough (or more specifically, not feeling like you're good enough). Absolutely, Tupp.  I'm trying to incorporate EFT tapping..... esp the inner eyebrow pressure point, along with affirmations of forgiveness for myself.... whenever.  For whatever.  It will be slow, but it's one thing that helps our vets move through PTS, and I've been told by our current doc it works.  Google and see if it makes sense for you. So you sacrifice and make yourself almost virtuous, and that way no-one can slate you or criticise you because you are doing so many good things.  The downside, of course, is that you are doing nothing for yourself so you just become more empty and alone. Yup yup yup.  That needs attention, and I can so clearly see it for myself, as well.  One step at a time.  We add something for ourselves, and try to stick with it till it becomes habit. And I found myself wondering if that plays a part in my thinking at the minute, if on some level I still feel that I am a 'bad'daughter and that I can somehow redeem myself at a later date?  It's weird, isn't it, when all of this stuff starts creeping in. ::Tap tap tap.... tap tap tap::...

I have been concentrating on a 'good things' diary, just noticing and jotting down every good thing or nice deed that I experience, however small.  Working on cultivating friendships with 'ordinary' people.  Trying to practise being okay with rejection (if someone doesn't want to meet me for a walk it is okay, I'm not a bad person).  Trying to live in the hear and now, not the past or some perfect, idealised future.  Tricky!  Difficult.  Lots coming up and I'm not doing so well at times.  But hanging with it.  Thank you   Well, we're hanging here with you, Tupp; )
Lighter

Thanks, Lighter, I hope the tapping continues to do good things for you!  I did use a lot a few years back, for me it didn't really seem to help but I've got friends who swear by it and feel it's really moved them forward.

Completely agree with what you say about forming new habits for ourselves, it's a difficult thing to do, especially if you're busy and you just sort of forget to do your new stuff!  But I have been trying to put myself first more so........... I was invited to a party which I would really like to go to (friends special birthday) but it is a four hundred mile round trip, I'd have to pay someone to look after my son for the weekend and I'm so tired all the time these days that I know it would really wipe me out.  So I've said no, I would have enjoyed it and I do feel bad that I'm missing my friend's party but the money I would have spent on one event would actually pay for a regular babysitter for a couple of months, so I decided to go for that option rather than attending.

It is the birthday of another friend of mine tomorrow.  I've not seen her for three years now, even though she lives quite nearby.  She's one of my friends that doesn't return my calls, although she has invited me to her birthday gathering the last two years (which I've not been able to get along to because of babysitting costs).  I did think about ringing tomorrow in case no-one else does (she lives alone).  But I know if I ring and she then doesn't call back again I will feel hurt and find that hard to deal with (and I've been doing quite well on the emotional front recently).  At the minute I feel I still feel a bit fragile about that sort of thing so I decided not to risk it.  Perhaps next year I will feel robust enough not to mind whether she calls back or not.  That's the point that I'd like to get to but I'm not quite there yet.