Too tired to have a voice, is there such a thing.

[Meh]

Too tired to have a voice

exasperated

feeling like the voice is impotent, stories are pointless

too old for anything to matter

nobody is listening

These things, if it makes any sense. Sometimes I feel like I had or have something inside of me, something to say but then I am always too tired to say it.

There is nobody to say it to. It doesn't make sense when it comes out. It isn't said quite right.

Every major life event or circumstance is summed up into an "oh well"    it's kind of sad I guess, if I were to care it would be sad

[teartracks]

Hi Garbanzo,

I read all of your posts.  I hear you.  I've missed you.

tt

[Hopalong]

What TT said...

Boat, you've been deeply stressed for years.
You were homeless. Then in a stressful shelter.
You had conflict with your self-absorbed Mom.
You had to move several times in a short time,
from one stress to another for a while.
Then your brother died.

I think your present numbness is a natural
response because healing has a long curve
and it really does take time. The psyche as
well as the body breaks down under so much
stress.

But it doesn't have to be permanent. If all
your body and brain were willing to do these
days was function enough to get to work and
back and keep the lights on and feed yourself,
that'd be plenty.

I think your voice is bright and beautiful and
brainy. And when your energies return and
some more of the healing is done, that voice
will have plenty more to say.

I'll always want to hear you.

love to you,
Hops

[Meh]

Thanks guys, very very nice sentiments spoken by you two.

[teartracks]

Should have included I care.

tt

[Meh]

My mother has texted me today asking to meet with me this Friday. What would you do? She makes it sound quaint, meet at a place that is a store with nice things for sale, have some lunch.

She only wants to see me once or twice a year. The whole time she barely asks about anything important in my life. The most she might say is ask me what size shirt I am wearing and make some kind of assessment about me being thin or un-thin. As soon as she meets me she is already telling me when she is needing to leave. She knows exactly in five minute increments how much time she has been hanging out with me. It is some kind of familial obligation ritual which I do not understand.

It only seems to be a detriment to myself when I avoid people. Doesn't matter how unsatisfying it is to hang with them.

I hear a voice inside of me saying "why bother"   She wants to go to the store I do not. She wants to eat lunch out, I do not have much interest. Why does she do it?  


Well she sent me another text demanding that I tell her tonight if I will meet up with her. I told her I was exhausted from working retail during pre Christmas rush which is true. I told her "do whatever you want".   There I released her from any obligation, I bet that is all she wanted anyhow.

I called her after I got off work today and she seemed glad, she didn't want to drive to meet me anyhow. She started complaining about driving. So there it's over for now.

[Hopalong]

Whew.
It's good that you made a decision, I think.

My Nmom was obsessively focused on "lunch dates" and I found our contact
just as empty. Still, it was for her, I think, a ritual way to "do mothering."

Kind of a Ladies Who Lunch solution to a connection that she didn't know
how to make emotionally, and that was worse than hunger for me.

I endured many an empty lunch but it was that sad dance of skeletons
on an empty ballroom floor.

Much tragedy in the gulf between children and their Nparents, but
I did find by the end of her life that compassion for her vulnerability
healed my broken heart. Being able to feel pity for the way she was,
and stop blaming her for it, enabled me to remain spiritually alive.

I still go numb sometimes especially with fatigue...but the creative
soul is still in there.

I hope your soul finds beauty and rest, even if not in your mother's arms,
Boat.

love
Hops

[Ales2]

Wow Garbanzo and Hops I could have written both your posts about NMom visits.

Mine now does the "ambush visit". She lives 120 miles away and so she drives here to see me and then calls from about 10 mins away and wants to "drop in". She knows if she asked for a planned visit and the answer would be NO. She did this about a week and half ago. Tried to spy on whether I am working or not, bringing a box of hand-me-down goodies. None of which I wanted or needed. If I would not have been home, she would simply have left the box. This is a ploy to be "nice" to get me to visit for Xmas.

Content of the visit is simply filler - I talk about my dumb cats, we watch you tube videos, about cats and I talk weather, politics, all superficial stuff. We cant have a real conversation about anything that matters without it escalating into a an argument. She has no real concern about my situation at all, she simply wants the attention and to be thought of a good mother.  She completely undermines my growth, she knows that there is no attachment for me there and I want my own life.

[Twoapenny]

Too tired to have a voice

exasperated

feeling like the voice is impotent, stories are pointless

too old for anything to matter

nobody is listening

These things, if it makes any sense. Sometimes I feel like I had or have something inside of me, something to say but then I am always too tired to say it.

There is nobody to say it to. It doesn't make sense when it comes out. It isn't said quite right.

Every major life event or circumstance is summed up into an "oh well"    it's kind of sad I guess, if I were to care it would be sad

Hi G,

I have felt like that over the years.  For me it seems to come and go in waves - sometimes I feel positive about working on myself, moving forward, improving my life, and at other times I just feel like what's the use, no-one cares anyway, no-one even notices.  But eventually that goes away and I feel like working on myself again.  So I think my advice would be if you're in a lull, try not to worry about it too much.  It might just be that you need to recharge your batteries a bit and eventually you'll feel like picking it up and 'speaking' again, whether it's on paper or with another person, or just within yourself.  I think we often underestimate how draining all this emotional stuff can be, and sometimes I've found that I don't start to live through really tough stuff until years later, when life is a bit more comfortable (ie,we have regular money coming in, somewhere to live, food on the table and so on).  And then that numbness and oh why do I bother starts to come out, but eventually it's done and things shift again.

Re meeting up with your mum  - I am finding more and more these days that I don't want to waste the little bit of time and energy I do get on people who are draining.  Life's too short. xx

[Meh]

Yah, I read what you guys wrote.

[Hopalong]

With your draining job, Boat, I am not sure how you copes but
still hope you will:

Can you find SOME way once a week to do two more things?

1) meet with other people in some regular form -- like a volunteer thing
or a church or a free support group

2) do art with other people

That's it -- I forgot....get your little cups or egg cartons ready with
some dirt and plant your garden seeds at a sunny window.

What I really forget is whether you have a bit of yard and permission
to plant there. Or a wee patio or balcony? Or a community garden
w/in reach?

Love and hope to you, Boat -- it will get better.

love
Hops

[Overcomer]

Who are you Garbanzo?  I mean, what is your old name??

[Hopalong]

Allow moi to butt in, but Garbanzo is the lovely Boat That Rocks, and later Green Bean.
And I missed a couple.

(I asked permission to keep calling her Boat since I loved that one and she said okay!).

Ta Boat, Ta Overcomer-Kelly...

Hops

[Overcomer]

Well, I knew she'd been around for a long time due to the amount of posts.  I realized I think I joined this place 10 years ago!  Oh, I miss when it was open and lots of fights broke out, it was pretty entertaining and I learned a whole lot from you characters!!!

I'm still dealing with an aging Nmom.

[Meh]

on Saturday I had to meet up with my mother she started bothering me again about getting together and she pretty much insisted so I met her after I had a haircut.  I wasn't very present during the haircut, didn't communicate very well to the hair stylist what I actually wanted her to do with the hair cut O_O   I literally just said "same old same old" to which the hair dresser semi frowned at me.

my mother gave me stupid stuff I didn't want, a pair of socks a piece of fruit, I guess i can just throw it away 


we didn't talk about my brother at all, we didn't really talk very much about anything in general which is typical, I can try to start a conversation but it doesn't go anywhere
simple conversations, conversations about her holidays and how people are doing, she repeats the same thing to me over and over. I've seen her have conversations with her friends and neighbors she actually can talk with them

oh well, maybe this will be the last time I have to meet her in 2015