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I know the narcissist so well but who am I after the battle has stopped waging?

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sea storm:
It took years to even begin to understand the depth of the lies, the gaslighting, fraud and the complete lack of conscience in the man that I loved to the point of self destruction. A lot of small acts were fast as lightning or my brain was not wired to grasp the slight of hand and the mean spirit behind it. It is hard to understand someone who operates on accumulating power  while masquerading as a warm and good person.
Thank goodness there is so much more written about narcissists and their close cousins, psychopaths. When I first started coming to this place I was clinging on for dear life and your stories and insights kept me going.
I felt like I had been in the equivalent to an emotional avalanche, alien abduction, or soul murder. Of course that sounds melodramatic but if you have experienced this kind of trauma you know that you barely get out alive and that is worth something.

Finding out what had happened and naming it was very helpful. Studying how it happens was another part. It was not a short journey and continues to come out of the dark like a long whip and beat me to the ground still. Not as often. I am left with major sleep disturbances, lack of trust in others and most serious my lack of trust in myself. Along with this lack of trust in people which seems predictable and understandable, I have seething resentment towards my ex mixed with blissful memories . I have thoughts that seem obsessive and that drift into my head while I garden, hold my baby grandson, read a good book .... anything. My mind is still trying to order the chaos I think. Ptsd. Seven years later I still untangle his schemes and the tricks and lies he played on others. He was so lovely but if he had and opportunity and thought no one would know he was capable of horrible things. Sleeping with his next wife's daughter was a good example. It was only a miracle that I found her porn pictures on his computer. Might as well have dropped a piano on me. That is a bit funny about the piano and indicates some perspective. Like the old game Tetris parts fall into place. Insurance schemes with his buddy where he obviously arranged a scam. At the time it did not compute. So I wonder about myself and my boneheaded denial. I was sooooo desperate for his love and to keep the myth of our happy family that I saw nothing wrong. That is why I don't trust myself. I am ashamed that I was so dense and lost. I am sure it hurt my daughter and my sister. Anyone who I was close to got ruined too.
The money I gave him could have helped my daughter with university and fertility treatments. i could have kept my house.

A vampires's victim is pretty useless after a few sessions with her master. She gets weak and loses her marbles. It is pretty lucky to survive one of these people. In my case there were a few. One gets more likely to be targeted after once being a victim.

The next step for me was to realize that I was poisoning myself with resentment, holding a grudge and making curses. Driving an hour and a half to Nanaimo, I would spend the whole time in an alternate universe talking to him and to the uiniverse and seething with resentment. I am sure that contributed to my getting sick mentally and physically.At this point I am so tired of giving him so much power. Way more power to destroy me than the power I give myself to heal. To live and have some happiness.
There has been a shift toward wanting my power back. I question why I gave it away too often and to too many people. I was always afraid of losing people and being alone.  So I just let it happen. I did not have a firm foundation.
I am definitely not saying that I asked for it  but I did not walk away when I knew it was wrong, messy, hurtful. I still believe that loving a narcissist is a kind of soul murder and the target has no more chance than a lamb against a tiger.

So I am letting my resentments go. I pray about it and I try buddhist meditation and I do a twelve step program.
I know that I did not have a good sense of self esteem and no real firm foundation to stand and so I stood on his and reveled in his self esteem. I padded after him like an excited puppy for Pets's sake. There was plenty that was exciting and memorable.
Just such a waste of life though.

Lots of love to you all

|Sea Storm

Gaining Strength:
Sea Storm - such a powerful post. You write so concisely, like poetry.

I am especially drawn to your point of being afraid of losing people and being alone. Our greatest fear as humans, the chink in our armor that narcissists exploit and loving people bind to. My need to be loved, to belong kept me bound until I was in many ways destroyed. But the other most damaging consequence was the festering resentment. Needing to belong can bring us life abundant or pain. Resentment  only brings pain. 

sea storm:
Thanks Gaining Strength for your post. Seems like I just spill my guts and it does not feel like poetry. More like a dirge. Must say a good dirge is not bad at times.
This terror at losing people, even ones who are becoming sadistic and destructive is so important.
It seems it can happen to anyone, no matter how educated, tough, smart, funny, intelligent... there is no protection once targeted.
I have only recently realized the extent of my resentments. Not only to him but to lots of others too. Oddly enough I thought he was a superduper guy, outstanding in many ways. My own grandiosity fed into his. Kind of disgusting.
It has taken at least a year to get it that resentments are not like good clean anger. Seething judgement and uttering curses will not free me. They kind of helped though at the time. 
Resentments only cause pain.

Can you tell me what you know about this? And how to transform it? The Buddhist's say to pray for the person you resent. This takes a lot of time usually. It is better to do this than to simmer in the soup of regret, rage, disappointment and betrayal. When I can hold onto praying in this way I think it helps. At least I see how hard it is for me to have a healthy perspective.Believe me, I have been so lost in pain for so many years that I need to do things differently.

Sea storm

Hopalong:
Ahh, Sea. I'm so glad you wrote about this here. (Plus, I've missed you.)

I'd just like to offer you the idea that you not resent yourself for feeling resentful. Like, you're
supposed to be some perfectly resolved and all-smoothed-out human being? Pah.
For all those sins of commission or omission you list, everyone who's ever been in an Ns web
knows the feeling. And even for folks who have been bashed around in life (including letting
down those they love at times)...anyone, anyone at all can have a litany of self-reproach and
resentment. Doesn't have to come from Ns. Could come from toxic religion, nasty relatives,
bad luck and pain, economics.

It's okay. Maybe even the resentment has just been a VOICE that has needed to repeat and
repeat until you get it, get sick of it, and get free from it. I think ultimately, the litany becomes
boring. When you actually get bored with it, it begins to wander off, to pester some other
spot in the universe. But resentment is human and doesn't make you lesser.

I understand it a lot. I felt toxic with my resentment of my Nmother for a very long time, and
it was only her own old age that released me from it. I finally saw how damaged she was (and
learned from a cousin about her father, so I realized...very late in her life...why). And as
her power over me waned, my ability to move on from my resentment became stronger.

And guess what? During my Nmom's waning years I went out and found myself the N-est
boss I've ever had. I honed my resentment of him (he reminded me of her in ways)
to a razor's edge. I grew toxic with it. I hated him at times. But...after a while, with the
buffer of some new colleagues who saw him clearly--even that has eased. He can piss
me off, and will, but mostly, I recognize that same core hollowness. His deviousness and
hypocrisy grate on me, but no longer day to day.

When I am feeling strong in myself, I feel sorry for him. Not "hooked" sorry -- I have
no desire to enmesh or fix him. But compassion. He's broken. I sense his lostness. And,
he can't hurt me any more.

Where you are so powerful, imo, is that you know how to describe, and name, and
narrate who you are and what you feel as you move through chapters in your life.
By its very nature, telling a story changes the teller. The story becomes part of all
our stories. As the teller, you allow it to pass through and be transformed.

I'm not worried you're stuck. You're so not stuck. And while he fascinated you for
a long long time...your life isn't over. (And everybody else here knows that N-spell--
I have never been so dazzled as by the charming, electric Ns in my life. But, buh-bye.)

It's wonderful that you are intentionally doing so many RIGHT THINGS to continue
to heal yourself. I have total faith that they'll be fruitful.

The survivor's trauma? Melodramatic? I think soul murder is a fine term. I don't think
there's any way to exaggerate the impact of that kind of moral distortion on innocent
and loving bystanders. However, unlike the murder of a body...the soul can't be killed.
Yours is coming back to life.

Trust it.

love to you,
Hops

sea storm:
Hops

I thought I might get a gentle melody of encouragement but you gave me Beethoven's Fifth. You make me want to happy dance around the room.

I miss you too.

Love
Sea storm

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